Clinical cuisine

Investigating the rumour that Hàtel-Dieu's cafeteria makes the best cheeseburger in town

by SPANKY HOROWITZ

After handing out bags and bags (and bags and bags) of candy to little children on Halloween, I was looking for something exciting to kill the remainder of my evening. I considered scavenging for pumpkins all night and then baking hundreds of pumpkin pies, but that's more of a daytime activity for me, so I put it off until sunrise, after my morning jog.

Instead, I decided to check out the ER at the Hàtel-Dieu Hospital. There'd have to be some crazy shit going on over there on Halloween, I thought. Oh yeah, I've also been hearing rumours that their cafeteria makes the best cheeseburgers in town.

None of my so-called friends were into hanging out at the hospital, even if I threw in as many cheeseburgers as they could shove down their throats. They were all still hungover from Saturday night, which incidentally was when anyone over the age of 11 decided to celebrate Halloween. So, all by my lonesome on spooky Halloween night, I checked into God's Hotel.

With some sort of keen X-files insight that regular non-hospital folk would be looking for it, the administration has made the cafeteria unusually easy to find. There are signs and little arrows in the hallways and the elevator's only navigational aide points to the cafeteria--I would have thought that maybe priority would have been given to the ER or something a little more medical. I followed my gut (and the signs) to the cafeteria where a smorgasbord of faux haute-cuisine and authentic casse-croute awaited scores of old men pushing IV carts, a few doctors, some foxy young nurses and me.

I don't know who they hired as their interior decorator, but the place just screams out "hospital cafeteria." Dull paint job, old marble floors and the staff are actually wearing cheesy looking hospital scrubs. There are two menus--a table d'hàte kind of thing, which on Halloween featured chicken à l'orange with various elegantly named side dishes, and of course the casse-croute. Obviously I stuck to the casse-croute.

I grabbed my fiberglass tray, slid it on down to the short-order cook and placed my order. "I'll have a cheeseburger, some fries and a Pepsi." He tells me, "No Pepsi--Coke," and that I'll have to wait seven minutes for my cheeseburger. How they got to seven minutes I don't know, but I admit that it does add to the mystique of the whole thing.

Seven minutes later I was eating a really good cheeseburger--not the best I've ever had, but it was up there. A little hint--ask the cook for some tomatoes and lettuce because the free condiment tray does not offer these goodies that definitely make or break a burger. I went back for a large--and I mean large--poutine ($4.40) and a pogo. The poutine is also very good and I'd recommend the Dijon mustard on the pogo--very classy.

About five cheeseburgers later I was ready for the ER myself, so I grabbed a de-alcoholized beer and headed upstairs to watch some action. You wouldn't believe the weird crap that goes through an emergency room on Halloween. I'd tell you, but I'm no crime reporter, and this ain't Allà-Police. :

Comments: foodspanky@hotmail.com

Hàtel-Dieu hospital cafeteria

Address: 3840 St-Urbain

Phone: I'm almost sure they don't take reservations

Hours: Mon-Fri 11:30am-7:30pm, Sat-Sun 1:30pm-7:30pm

Best features: super cheap food, and if you get food poisoning, you're in the right place!

Alcohol: if you count 0.5% de-alcoholized beer

Vegetarian friendly: yes

Credit cards: yes

Wheelchair access: it's a hospital--think about it

Price: $2-10 per person, no tax, no tip

Rating: HHH out of HHHH