This week: Cannibal Corpse, crust, meese, a leaky faucet!

Plus: Fake plastic Dawson bitches defended!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Shame on you, Montreal. I work for a CD distributor and you know what I learned? That those clowns, Cannibal Corpse, sold three-quarters of their Canadian record sales in Montreal alone. Shame on you, Montreal! [BLEEP!]

M

I'm fed up of all the purists in town who can't stop saying that they hate trance. I like both house and trance, why can't everybody? Do you have to treat it like it's some kind of Christina Aguilera shit just because people like it? I mean, trance is good, house is good also. [BLEEP!]

M

Heavy metal is out, electro-industrial is in and all ordinary Quebecers suck. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this rant is in response to the guy who said seeing Limp Bizkit is a WASTE OF MONEY. Okay, first of all, I don't know why other people bought their tickets, but I bought it to see Xzibit--one of the best on the west coast--and also to see Eminem who, as far as I'm concerned, is the Bob Dylan of my generation. It's absolutely beyond me why the women's groups and the queer groups are upset with him. First of all, he doesn't advocate violence against women. I mean, those songs are just a joke and, besides, he's only talking about his own wife, so it's like a personal problem. As for the queer groups, as far as I'm concerned, two men holding hands together makes me SICK to my stomach. I hope all the fucking queers all get fucking AIDS, I hope they die 'cuz I'm sick of hearing about them, they get too much press! As far as I'm concerned, the guy who wrote that, if I ever meet him, I'm going to rip his fucking eyes out of his head, I'm gonna shove my dick in his head and EJACULATE on his brain!! Fuck him and (sounds like he's crying) fuck you, too. [BLEEP!]

M

To you and everyone else who doesn't like us on the Plateau, we are very sorry that you are so envious, but we are very COLOURFUL people and that is why we live here. So, as you said yourself, make yourself a life, boy. [BLEEP!]

F

Doesn't the very act of pretending to be a freak thereby make you a freak? [BLEEP!]

F

I am one of those Dawson bitches--those fake plastic bitches you're talking about. This is to the girl who's talking about us with the trashy Diesel sweaters that we overpaid for at Juan & Juanita. Well, as long as we have the money--the extra money--to OVERPAY for those trashy sweaters, we are gonna overpay. And about our titties, well, at least our boyfriends enjoy them. [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, this is a rant for the guy who says small breasts rule. Thank you so much, dude. I have small breasts and knowing that some guys are really looking at them is very much appreciated. I always relied on the SIZE OF MY ASS to feel sexy, so it was nice of you to compliment us. Now we just have to convince all those fucking pervs out there that when you have nothing in the way--like two huge MELONS banging and going all over the place--your body can move and do stuff your mind can never ever imagine! [BLEEP!]

F

This is to all the women out there. Okay, we all know we have cunt CRUST so please tell your men--or show your men--because, like, almost every time a man comes along, he goes to me, "What's wrong with your underwear? Why do you have cunt crust?" Or "Why are you all crusty? You're abnormal." We all know we have it, so the more people who actually feel free to show it to everyone the better. I just don't want to be alone with this trouble. Talk about it! [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

I would like to report a LEAKY FAUCET in a sink in the ninth floor men's room in the Hall building of Concordia University. For the past month, I have complained three times about the leak to Concordia campus security but nothing has been done about it. In fact, the last time I reported the leak, the kid at the security desk made fun of me. In one month, the leak has become a TORRENT and no one at Concordia seems the least concerned about it. How many people in other parts of the world would literally kill for those thousands and thousands of wasted gallons of clean water? This blatant squandering of vital resources and the arrogant impunity and disrespect for our environment and the local community manifest by the corrupt-to-the-core old-boy network-ruling CABAL of Concordia University must not be tolerated. Students, taxpayers and citizens, wake up and hear the water at Concordia. [BLEEP!]

M

So we were walking in the woods and we saw two moose and we got into a big debate. Why is it two geese and not two meese? Why is it one goose is one goose and two geese are two geese? Why is it one moose and two moose--why aren't they meese? I don't know. Can anybody answer that for me? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.