This week: NDG bohemians, fake Plateau freaks, ass clowns, John Cage!

Plus: Tricks to curb masturbation!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

I'd just like to say that if any dumbass little club girl wears a Motoerhead shirt in front of me I'm going to kill her. Motoerhead shirts are for Motoerhead fans and no one else. Risk your life. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

John Cage is dead, John Cage is in and John Cage is stupid. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, this is Joe and I just moved into Montreal recently. Talking about the music scene, I think it's really COOL. I'm actually a musician trying to get into the music scene and people who use the Rant Line(TM) to call English people stupid or whoever stupid, I think they're ASS CLOWNS. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

Oh good God, do politics have to ruin everything? Skinhead reggae rules, no arguments there. But Redskins? Stick to your punk and hardcore, traditional is the way to go. And in any case, I've never heard Gregory Isaacs spewing out socialist propaganda. I'm not a skin anymore, but I've been one long enough to know that politics has NOTHING to do with the music you're talking about. [BLEEP!]

F

Redskins? Oh whatever! Skinhead reggae never has and never will have anything to do with politics. It's all about tradition. [BLEEP!]

M

I'd like to know why Montreal radio stations only play crappy music. How come they never play anything like the Corrs? I just watched the concert presentation on Musicographie and they're, like, the most amazing group in the world. Yet I've never heard a Corrs song on Montreal radio. How come they only play teenybopper crap? [BLEEP!]

F

This is me ranting on me for being too shy to ask you for your number, STRAW HAT MAN from Optic in the Jungle Room. There was magic in your moves. Wait till I see you dance again. I wished I would've asked your sign. Anyway, this is my only hope of getting in contact with you, yeah. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M

What's with the dickhead who called Montreal wimpy? I suppose Montreal should become a piece of shit hellhole city with a 'hood in it? Why don't you go live in some not-so-wimpy place like Chicago or something--that is if you don't get SHOT going to the local grocery store. As for me, I'll take wimpy Montreal any day. [BLEEP!]

M

You know what's missing in Montreal? Bohemians. There's nowhere near enough Bohemianism going on. I'm going to call upon the people of my neighbourhood in NDG to quit their jobs, to get high and to start flaking around like a bunch of hippie Bohemians. 'Cuz you know what? There's no better way to be. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. These words are dedicated to most of the people who live on the Plateau. You all suck because all of you pretend to be FREAKS but none of you are real freaks so get out and see what real life is all about. Make yourself a life, boy. [BLEEP!]

F

I'd like to thank the Town of Mount Royal for moving the CINDER BLOCKS at the end of the lane between Jean-Talon and Monmouth. Because of this removal, cars have been speeding through the lane and, in result, killed my cat. So a big fucking thank you to the Town of Mount Royal and to the person who killed my cat. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Alexi, please find me. I am almost 23. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

This is for the dude who spent hundreds of dollars at Telematch and didn't get laid. Dude, what's wrong with you? I spent, like, $50 and got laid by four different chicks. What a loser! [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, this is for that girl who's 14 and can't stop masturbating and needs a TRICK. You're 14, you stupid bitch, you know how many guys your age just want to have sex? Ask any of them and you'll get laid. [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the horny 14-year-old female. The only trick is to keep masturbating, baby. There's nothing wrong with loving yourself. So keep up the good work. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, I'm also a 14-year-old girl and I'm having the same problem. So if the other 14 year old girls would like to call me and come to my place we could discuss our problems. That would be just fantastic. Bye-bye now. [BLEEP!]

M

This is a tip for the 14-year-old girl. An ENGLISH CUCUMBER. Put it in yourself as deep as you can. Go upwards and keep hitting really hard, as hard as you can over and over and over again. Even if you can't take it, just keep on doing it. If it feels like it's going to burst and you have to pee, pull it out. Rub your clit really hard and fast and see what happens. Then repeat. And then repeat again. I'll be your MASTER. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. This is for the chick who can't stop wanking. I'd suggest some tabasco sauce on the fingers before you do the deed. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum