Nightlife 2000

>> How to stay fit while drinking As seen on TV! As easy as one, two, three! Simple ways to hone you muscles and lose weight while imbibing the ambrosia of the gods!

by SARAH MUSGRAVE

Some people live at the gym, others live at the bar. But what if, what if, there was a way to say hey, you got a little gym into my bar and hey, you got a little bar into my gym--in a type of cultural melding that hasn't been seen since the fluky invention of the Reese's peanut butter cup?

The key is to combine a topnotch physical activity program with the ingestion of beer. Sadly, however, the only exercise too many people seem to get is merely lifting a pint at their local watering hole (and maybe surreptitiously doing Kegel exercises under the table). But there are a few places in this city where you can burn calories, get your heart pumping and feel young again. So throw away that unused gym membership and check out these night-time activities that will test your strength and your stamina.

Bowlers in space

Will humans never tire of black lites? The answer, my friends, is not as long as there exists cosmos bowling! Not content to cater to leaguers and retro wannabes, Laurentian Lanes take the midnight bowl-a-thon to wacky and tacky heights. On weekends, the Paré location features 30 alleys separated by blinking runway lights, swirling multi-coloured strobes and walls painted with psychedelic planets. All the atmosphere of a South Shore birthday party or Wagar HighSchool dance. And there are even some glow-in-the-dark bowling shoes!

Although these weekend fiestas are sometimes referred to as "disco" bowling, the music is Top 40 tinsel pop that makes you feel like you're listening to someone else's walkman. On the plus side, the sound and light distractions provide a convenient excuse for gutter balls.

Cosmos bowling will set you back $20/hour plus tax and takes place from 9:30 p.m. to 2:30 a.m. on Fridays and Saturdays. Laurentian Lanes branches are located at 5250 Paré, 4400 Jean-Talon E. and 222 Montée de Liesse. If you prefer duck pins, Au Drome at 1688 Mont-Royal E. also turns up the beats and lowers the lights for their "Clair de lune" weekend specials.

Ultimate number of players: 6-8

Degree of difficulty: Moderate

Effects of alcohol: Amplifies desire for gratuitous pump-arm action following strikes and pathetic, slurred imitations of Jésus from The Big Lebowksi.

Health benefits: Muscle toning of forearms, stretching spine, building strength.

Risks: Pulled muscles and back strain; foot injury when dropping heavy balls; slipping, sliding and falling.

Ping-pong palace

So Bobby Silverman hasn't invited you over since he found out the only reason you were friends with him was because of the amazing rec room at his parents' place? Don't worry, there is one spot in this city where you can relive the breathless excitement of junior high soirées. A bar with a ping pong table under a spotlight in the centre of the dancefloor may seem like an anomaly, but Terrasse Belhumeur at 1951 Ontario E. is about the weirdest place to find it.

The walls of this east-end watering hole are adorned with bevelled mirrors and oil portraits of '70s swingers, the beer is cheap but limited in selection ($3.50 for a big bottle of Molson Ex) and the juke box is free. Select the best of Styx, CCR and Air Supply and let the games begin. The ping pong table is set up only Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and, like the pool table in the rear, is available for your pleasure at no cost.

Ultimate number of players: 4-6 (in shifts)

Degree of difficulty: Easy

Effects of alcohol: Tendency to imitate Asian table-tennis champions with inappropriate martial arts noises, slackjawed staring while waiting your turn to challenge the winner.

Health benefits: Cardiovascular workout when bobbing and weaving to get returns, sharpening reflexes, improving coordination.

Risks: Public humiliation, possible fights with bikers when searching for errant balls under their chairs.

Hitting the bull's eye

It bills itself as "Montreal's hottest party spot," but McKibbins' basement is an underground hideaway that feels like an old English pub. Dark lighting, stone walls and rough wood floors--plus a plethora of imported draft beer and hearty food--make this downtown bar a welcome oasis on quiet nights. And there's no need to drink and stare blankly at the TV screens when you can play a game of darts. Concentrate, take aim and remember that you are really competing against yourself, your focus and your liver. There's also the satisfying thunk the missiles make when they hit the target, instead of the wall.

A match of cricket involves hitting 15 through 20 three times before your partner, or you can try 501 or 301, wherein the goal is to deduct points based on your hits all the way down to zero. Either way, there's not a lot of physical exertion required, but it does give you the feeling that you are actually accomplishing something while you drink, and stops drunken self-analysis like wondering why the hell you ever became friends with your bar buddies in the first place.

McKibbins is located at 1426 Bishop, near the Concordia campus. A little further west at 1944 Ste-Catherine W., the Cock'n'Bull also has two dart boards. They're tucked away behind faux-stained glass scenes of monks and are only available when the table in front of them is not in use.

Ultimate number of players: 2

Degree of difficulty: Difficult

Effects of alcohol: Loss of balance leads to way-wide shots, pub atmosphere may bring out latent British accent although you only lived in England for two months three years ago.

Health benefits: Relaxation, concentration, hand-eye coordination.

Risks: Stabbing your fellow player in the back with dart, math anxiety when trying to calculate scores. Q

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