Polynesia amnesia

Jardin Tiki helps you forget you're not on the South Seas

by SARAH MUSGRAVE

The only thing missing is Ricardo Montalban. Other than that, Jardin Tiki is about as close as you'll get to the set of Fantasy Island in Montreal. You even have to cross a bridge--over a live turtle pond--to get to the dining area of this east-end timewarp.

A throwback to the Polynesian craze that swept North America in the '50s and '60s, the restaurant is full of Eastern Island statuettes, wooden tikis and a Hawaiian ukulele soundtrack. The ceiling is hung with lamps of every shape and size, from glass floats tied with rope to whimsical creations made of seashells. You'll be seated in creaky rattan chairs, including only one throne at each table--but everyone feels like royalty when you're eating to your heart's content for 10 bucks.

The first thing you'll want to do it to consult the drink menu, a colourful point-and-serve number displaying an impressive array of tropical cocktails ($5.50-7). Our first choices were the classic and potent Mai Tai, the Bolo, served in a real whole pineapple, and the creamy Aku Aku Coconut, which comes in a coconut shell that looks like it has been through a dishwasher a few too many times.

When you are sufficiently liquored up, you'll have the stomach to face the enormous all-you-can-eat buffet ($10 week nights, $13.95 weekends). I counted at least 36 hot trays, containing food that's on par with suburban Chinese fare. To start, there's hot and sour and wonton soup, both of which are surprisingly decent when garnished with fresh green onions.

When it comes time to sample the main courses, I suggest not loading up too much on the first visit. It feels much more decadent to hit the buffet twice, with a whole new clean plate. There's roast beef you carve yourself, egg rolls and spring rolls (less frozen foodish), spareribs, baby back ribs, something deep fried that looks like fish but tastes like chicken, broccoli and beef saut ée, pineapple chicken, noodles, honey-rice triangles, onion rings, fries, roasted potatoes and Asian dumplings. The chicken with red peppers is definitely worth trying because it is one of the only spicy items on offer. Pigs and pig lovers will delight in an unlimited supply of cocktail weenies and cocktail weenies wrapped in bacon (redundant but tasty).

With a surge of MSG pulsing through our systems, we were ready for another drink: this time we sampled the Pink Dragon, Rain Maker and the Scorpion. Next we hit the salad bar, featuring romaine lettuce and baby tomatoes, iced shrimp and cocktail sauce, crudit és, beets and other veggies to wash down the cholesterol fest.

Then, gasp, dessert. A whole host of backlit pies, cakes, Jell-O cubes, puff-pastry swans stuffed with whipped cream and millefeuilles await you. But the piece de resistance has to be the self-serve soft ice cream dispenser that creates those fancy curlicues--a childhood dream come true! Coffee was making the rounds, but we opted for another batch of drinks: a second Mai Tai and Aku Aku, along with a Zombie.

On weekends there is a live band in the showroom (reservations required)--no Don Ho, I'm sorry to say, it's more like two guys playing covers. Still, a visit to the Jardin Tiki is like reliving the follies of the past. As we left, I thought it seemed fitting that this vestige of Polynesian pop, located on a forgotten, windblown section of Sherbrooke, is right across the street from Montreal's Olympic Village. :

Jardin Tiki

Address: 5300 Sherbrooke E. (L'Assomption metro)

Phone: 254-4173

Hours: Sun-Thurs 11:30am-10pm, Fri & Sat till 1am

Best features: absurd ambiance, extensive buffet, tropical drinks

Alcohol: yes

Vegetarian friendly: no

Credit cards: yes

Wheelchair access: yes

Price: $10-13.95 per person, without tax, drinks or tip

Rating: HHH out of HHHH