This week: Faux homeys, squished tits, Ingmar Bergman!

Plus: Suicide highly overrated!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Yeah, I want to know what's up with all the stupid French homeboy videos on MusiquePlus lately. Isn't rap and hip hop all about keeping it real? I don't know what they're trying to say with their "I'm here in the 'hood with my homeys playing cards and drinking 40s out of a brown bag while a police siren goes by." Are they trying to make Montreal look like Detroit? Give me a fucking break! Everybody knows that Montreal is the WIMPIEST city in Canada. There's no 'hood in this city at all--take it from me, I've lived in other cities in some pretty SCARY neighbourhoods. Maybe if they got their ass out of Verdun and went to a neighbourhood that actually looked like what they portray in their videos, they wouldn't glamourize it so much on television. Give me a fucking break. Go back to the phat farm, fuckers. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Ska is dead, TRANCE is in and I am stupid. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Country is in, ska and punk are both dead, and the French are stupid. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Ska is dead, punk sucks, black metal is in and girls rule. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F

Oh man, punk isn't dead, it just smells that way. And anyway skinhead reggae is the way to go. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. This is for the guy that unfortunately had a bottle of Evian water poured on his nice sneakers by a Crescent-Street bouncer. Man, I feel really bad for you. I've been in similar situations, and whenever someone makes me feel like that, I just go down to the video store and rent myself a Bruce Lee or Jet Li MARTIAL ARTS movie where you see a small guy kick the living crap out of one of these big guys and he does it really, really well. To all you fat assholes out there who are just bullying people, you think you're hot shit, look out 'cuz I'm coming to get you. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, I'm just sitting at Nickels and I think I saw Bo Derek. She's eating, like, a big fat sandwich and drinking coffee. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the guy who is looking for Bo Derek. My boyfriend's sister saw her at John Abbot. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Bo Derek--isn't she fucking 50 by now? Who wants to lick a fucking old bat? Get real, like, that's gross, man. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I just read the paper and this is to the guy who says he's SUICIDAL. Well, I'm suicidal, too, and I've been suicidal for much longer than you. So I suggest we get together and drive into the ocean or plunge a knife deep down inside. There is no help out there and, fuck, life sucks. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this is for the guy who's suicidal. Let me tell you something. One time, buddy, I tried it once back in 1976. I did an O.D. by eating some downers and trying to find out what is on the other side. I was sadly mistaken. When I had a heart attack and my heart stopped beating I found out I had a SPIRIT inside of me, but it couldn't get out of my body. I could not get out of my body! Luckily somebody upstairs likes me and forgave me. So don't commit suicide because you are going to lay inside your body--you're going to be buried in a CASKET and you're just going to lay there and think for ever. Because that will end your evolution. Take it from me, I know. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F

Excuse me. I just watched a movie by that INGMAR BERGMAN and, I don't know, the movie was really bent. That guy is seriously overrated. It just makes me wonder who the heck has called him a genius to start with? I don't know. I just get really suspicious of people who are so publicly overrated. It really makes me wonder who's promoting them. I definitely think this guy was working for those weirdo postmodernists or something. Anyway, not recommended. Bye. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

I have a question. Can you warm up food in STYROFOAM? You know those foamy kind of cartons, white? If anyone could tell me, that would be really, really nice. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, Rant Line, I'm just calling to say that I am so tired of those fake plastic bitches from Dawson and Marianopolis running around with their fake tits, SQUISHED into trashy Diesel sweaters that they overpaid for at Juan & Juanita. Buy a brain, girls, don't waste your money on useless shit. You won't always have daddy's credit card and BMW. Later. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

This is a rant about the lack of KINKY girls in Montreal. I've really had enough of calling TeleMatch and stuff and hearing girls who are looking for guys who have no limits, no taboos, who want to do kinky sex etc. etc. and then have them freak out on me 'cuz I want to be SHIT on. What the fuck is that? Do they really understand what being kinky is all about? [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

Next week: What is being KINKY all about?