This week: Knowledgeable lesbians, dangerous moose, suicidal tendencies!

Plus: Crescent Street plasticity!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Hi, I'm calling about that Sleater Kinney concert last week at the Cabaret. I just wanted to say that the band rocked but the concert was just completely ruined by these two annoying girls. One of them was yakking into her cell phone with a Jersey accent, and one had way too much POMADE in her hair. They wouldn't shut up for the entire concert. When a band rocks would you please just let them rock and not annoy everyone? [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, I just saw Ember Swift perform on Saturday and she is amazing. I really don't know what kind of style to call her. I think a cross between Ashley MacIsaac, Alanis Morisette and Garbage would be the best assumption. The bass player was so hot--I don't know her name but she was so cute. I have no idea when they are coming back so if there are any knowledgeable lesbians out there who might know, please, please tell me. [BLEEP!]

M

(with thick Latin accent like the Frito Bandito) Hi, I don't know if I have the right number but I wish to announce Gypsy Joe at the Café Botero this Saturday at 9 o'clock. Please call me back if you cannot do it. [BLEEP!]

M

So it's Sunday morning at 3:10 after a night of partying on Saturday. Now I'm not normally a Crescent Street kind of guy, but there I was at Club Crescent meeting a few friends. So I'm standing there, harmless like a fly on the wall, enjoying a completely overpriced beer, when the bouncer comes over and starts telling me how he likes my SHOES. Well, I wear low-cut canvas Converse--just regular running shoes, you know? So he asks me where I got them, he says they're really fashionable, he says they're really great and then he asks me if they're waterproof. And starts to pour his bottle of Evian water on my feet! Well, Club Crescent and its bouncer and everyone associated with Crescent street can go fuck themselves. PLASTIC PEOPLE of Crescent are a joke and should really be avoided in this city. Oh my God, what an embarrassment. I am never going back to Crescent Street. I was a fool to even think that I could have a remotely good time in that neighborhood. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F

Ska is dead, funk is in and boys are stupid! [BLEEP!]

M

Ska is in, punk is dead and you are stupid! [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, this is for the guy who said that ska is dead and punk is in and girls are stupid. I know exactly who you are and you're just frustrated and pissed off that I left you. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, this is kind of important. For those of us who get kind of SUICIDAL, TelAide is a long wait and on the other suicide line all they do is tell you to call the CLSC. Well, most of us have already called the CLSC and that's why we're calling the suicide line. I think that somebody should really look into this. I've been really depressed for, like, five years. (breaking down) There's really no resource for us, other than just going out on the street. 724-3000 really doesn't do it. I'm suicidal and maybe I'll be around to read this rant when it's printed--or maybe I won't. [BLEEP!]

M

(with fake British accent) 271 R-A-N-T. "T," Ooh, I like tea--but not much tea, I like LSD tea. I'm ringing about prejudice against people who want to expand their mind through psychedelic drugs. Let me tell you something--if you want to expand your mind, try drugs because an education is too expensive. I'm only putting on this English accent for detection purposes. I'm actually a Canadian and I'm just screwing with everybody's mind. But I say this-- let's blow the three-million minds of Montreal. Kerplow! [BLEEP!]

M

Hey Rant Line, you know what pisses me off? MOOSE piss me off! Big dumb fuckers that run around on the highways and fuck with people's lives. Like, they've got no respect for themselves or anybody else and, like, I don't think they're very cool. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi Rant Line, I'm watching Larry King Live and apparently Bo Derek is in Montreal. WHAT?! Help me please if anyone has seen her, spotted the wonderfully beautiful and elusive Bo Derek. Let me know! The last time I saw her was on Bleu Nuit a couple of years ago. So man, come on, we've got to put our city's effort together and find this woman. So if anybody spots her, please call the Rant Line so we all know where she's at. Please! [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.