This week: Socially inept comedians, quasi-spirituality, pseudo psycho Christians!

Plus: Stockwell Day's big dick!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

This is about the Dead Dolls Cabaret. I've been hearing some things. It seems that these people are going around trying to create PUBLICITY for themselves in the most underhanded, backstabbing, ball-busting ways imaginable. I mean, the machinations, the politics! Going around picketing their own shows to drum up a bigger audience and calling the Rant Line(TM) pretending to be some psycho Christian. What kind of a fucking Christian reads the Rant Line anyways? A little birdie also told me that the lady in that group should shave. Just a little strategic shave, that's all. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M

Hello, I'm DJ Jupiter Brain Chill and I play indie electro synth pop every Wednesday night at Cybertech club, 3908 St-Laurent. I play music from all around the world but especially from Japan. I hope to be able to entertain you with this new, new wave music. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

Ska is dead, punk is in and girls are stupid. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I just wanted to clear up a few things about Sri Chinmoy. Sri Chinmoy is a GURU and a master of meditation with disciples who include the likes of John McLaughlin and Carlos Santana. He's highly respected by the likes of Mother Theresa and the Pope. A cult is pretty much the opposite of anything that would describe him. Genius would describe him and IDIOT would describe anybody who doesn't take up the free opportunity to see the show. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, I'm calling to vent at the fools who claim that MC Mario always sold out and never kept it real. I remember the glory days--back in '98--when he did the Master Mix on Mix96. That spoke to me, man, that spoke to all of us. He kept it real. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, I'd like to rave about Gazelle playing last night and I'd like to send out some props to the Concordia students who stayed there dancing in the rain. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

To the woman who wanted someone to send her somebody to love, listen. If you want fo find single guys, check out the Open Mic nights at COMEDY places. You've got the Works on Bishop on Mondays and the Nest on Rene-Levesque on Wednesdays. You're going to find guys there. Not only are they going to be getting up on stage and displaying themselves to you, they're also going to be talking about why they're single. You'll get to hear all about their little neurotic problems and their social ineptitude. These guys are so desperate for attention that if you go up and talk to them, their faces will be concentrated solely on you. So don't look for someone to send you someone to love, go find someone yourself. [BLEEP!]

M

To the person who was concerned that his dej àvu was getting more and more intense--they don't even think that dej àvu exists anymore. They think it's the echo of a chemical in the brain, which gives you the perception that it's the second time you did something when actually it's the first time and there's some kind of time delay. So the person needn't worry. But it does suck that all these things that we consider quasi-spiritual are being reduced to matters of BRAIN CHEMISTRY. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey there, McGill Boy from Pennsylvania. If you want that great Philly cheese steak, go to Buffalo Bill's on Ste-Catherine near Atwater. And by the way, it might be the beer but I've just seen Britney Spears walk by for the 17th time. Miss Clairol must be making a fortune. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Yes, I'm calling to rant about that picture of Stockwell Day on a Sea-Doo. Upon close examination, he looks to be tremendously ENDOWED in his form-fitting wet suit. Upon closer examination, it looks like the photo may be casting a shadow down from the handlebars of his Sea-Doo to make it just look like he's super endowed. But I don't think that's it. I think the real thing is that he stuffed a sock into the crotch of his wet suit as a new way to lie to people without even opening his mouth. [BLEEP!]

F

I just want to know if anyone else out there is getting a kick out of seeing Cuir Gap all over the city. Such a classic. Cuir Gap all the way! [BLEEP!]

F

Hello, I'm a slut and I agree--we do need more of us. [BLEEP!]

F

What is up with Montreal? There are all these beautiful lonely people walking around, feeling unattractive and hopeless. But we don't need to feel this way because we're always attractive to someone. No one is being direct. We just walk by beautiful people in the street and go bitch to our friends that it's so hard to get with people. So me and my friends have made a resolution to, from now on, always approach people that we find attractive. Taking a chance is better than sitting in a coffee shop with your friends and bitching about never getting a chance. To everyone who knows what we're talking about, we all rock. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.