This week: Alien pigeon ladies, HHH, Josie and the Pussycats!

Plus: All hail the proud bum who defecates in public!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

It's about time that Pigeonhole got some motherfuckin' respect, know what I'm saying? 'Bout time that people started recognizing where the fuckin' talent's at 'cause it's in that band, you know what I'm saying? Do yourself a favour and check 'em out next time they play. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I'm talking about that dude who was talking about how Slayer sucks because they fucked up his ears. Hey dickhead, use your head. Slayer rocks and they are the loudest band in the world so maybe you should stick to your HHH. And if you don't know what HHH is, it stands for Homosexual Hip Hop. Later. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I'm watching Josie and the Pussycats and their music really sucks but there's no question that I would do any of them--especially that tambourine player. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I just called this number that I found under the cap of a certain soft drink which I won't mention the name of, and MC Mario picks up the phone and he's like, "Hi, I'm MC Mario and I like Crush." Then he's like, "And you should leave why you like Crush after the beep to win a prize," but before that he goes: "Hello, it's such a refreshing drink and when I'm on the dance floor, I like to get down with my"--wait! I already said it, it's Crush, now you know what it is. Anyway, MC Mario? What a SELL-OUT. That's what I say. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, this is in response to the two girls who are getting sick and tired of being harassed by 85-year-old men. I just want to say that I used to have that problem--being harassed by old men only and not cute young things--and I used to wonder what was wrong with me. It would get me very upset but now it never happens anymore. So tell them that when they're 85 years old, they'll also be looking at young cute things. And by the way, I'm also out of love. Could someone please send me someone to love. [BLEEP!]

M

This is to the guy who was talking about the pigeons. There are a few things you need to know. First, the pigeon-feeding ladies are not ladies. I'm only telling you this 'cause you should know the whole truth and most people know this, I think. There are aliens among us, there are mutants among us, there are angels among us and there are drag queens among us. These women represent the SUPREME RULERS of the outer world. They are alien drag-queen angels who have mutated into human form. Secondly, it's not birdseed they're giving them. It's information to be stored in the collective consciousness of the rulers. Pigeons act like alien cell phones transmitting the organic data to the universe. And, thirdly, this is common knowledge so, Ruby, you've gotta catch up on things. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, so I'm walking outside of Atwater metro and me and my friend, James, look up and we see this BUM and he's got his pants around his ankles, his cock hanging out and everything, and he's taking a shit out in public, in the middle of the morning. Everyone's looking at the guy and he's not fazed by it at all. He's taking a shit and then he wipes his ass with a brown paper bag from his 40. Initially, I was disgusted. I mean, my reaction was the whole double-take and then I nearly puked, but then I thought that we should all be like this guy and not give a fuck what other people think. So, go bum! Everyone should start taking shits in public and don't cut your fingernails for six months. Damn the Man! Word. [BLEEP!]

M

This is for the guy from Ontario who can't get a blood test or a Medicare card. All he has to do for a health card is go to the hospital, fill out the form, bring it back with his card and, basically, have his Ontario card transferred to Quebec. That's all it is. It's very simple. It's just a transfer. [BLEEP!]

M

We need volunteers at the Jewish Hospital of No Hope--I mean, Hope--for feeding old smelly, senile beautiful people their mush. C'mon, it's only half an hour of feeding people too feeble to eat alone. If a volunteer doesn't feed them, the nurse does it in a rather boring quick way. These people need to eat slowly and in a fun way. I could be feeding your mother, fucker. [BLEEP!]

M

What is it with Archie comics for French Canadians in this city? I mean, they're the only comics available in the impulse-buy racks at supermarkets and I see grown, adult men reading them in the metro and on the bus. I'm just wondering. It's very strange. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.