This week: Sexy nuns, Prism, pigeon invasion, blood money!

Plus: Yankee sewage on Crescent!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

I just want to rant about the new COOL FM 98.5 radio station--it's a bunch of bullshit 'cause they just play songs that no one ever heard of and just 'cause it's some heavy metal punk rock crap, they think, ooh yeah, little kiddies and little teenies are going to love it. I mean, what the hell is up with that? It's like, change your style for something people will like, not just some hard rock, stupid heavy-metal-assed crap that no one ever heard of. Okay, that's it. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, COOL FM is pretty good but they'd be a lot cooler if they played more songs from Prism and other cool west coast sounds. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, yes, let's talk about Arrival, about the boy scouts and girl scouts finding the drugs you lost, finding the money you lost, finding the jewellery you lost. Now why don't you go in a corner and sew on your stupid dumb-assed merit badge? HA HA! [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, what the fuck? I'm just watching this new Eminem video and, lo and behold, Marilyn fucking Manson makes another fucking cameo. How many times is this fucker gonna be in the fucking videos this year? First he's in the Nine Inch Nails' "Starsuckers Inc." and now he's in the Eminem? Like, who the fuck cares about Marilyn Manson and his stupid Goth, baby-assed shit? I don't want to watch MuchMusic to see this asshole appear in every fucking video. What the fuck's next? Pokémon or fucking Britney Spears? Fuck Marilyn Manson. He should just go suck his own dick and go kill himself that fucking Paul-from-the-Wonder-Years-wannabe fucker! [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, the fucking province of Quebec has gotta get its head out of its fucking ass. I'm trying to get blood tests. My buddy--he's from Quebec--can get a blood test for, like, $10. Me, I'm from Ontario, I've gotta pay $260, I can't get a fucking health card unless I get a sworn statement from my roommate proving that I fucking live here. Well, where the hell do I go for a sworn statement? I gotta go to City Hall, but City Hall doesn't have it, the bank doesn't have it, nobody has it. I can't get a fucking health card, I can't get a fucking blood test, what do I do? I'm gonna fucking bleed to death, I'm gonna die here in fucking Quebec! [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, hi. I just wanna know has anyone noticed there's an awful lot of pigeons these days? I've got four or five pigeon-feeding women in my neighbourhood and one of them spends over $700 a month on bird food to throw to these stupid fuckers. You can't walk through the park anymore without at least a thousand of the beggars flying over your head trying to dump you in pigeon doo and who knows what else fucking diseases they carry? Leave the pigeons alone! They can feed themselves. It's illegal to feed the pigeons. Someone help me tell these ladies this--I'm tired of taking all the flack myself. We got one lady around here who's got a fucking HERD of pigeons following her everywhere and then she yells at me because my dog is scaring them. Please, we don't need more pigeon-feeding ladies, we don't need more pigeons being fed. Stop feeding the pigeons. [BLEEP!]

F

How can one listen to CHOM and read the Mirror and be the same person? One tells me you want to have a Christmas tree shoved up your ass while the other decries the fact that our asses are numb because we have so many Christmas trees up our asses. Left, right, left, right, left, right. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M

This goes to that girl asking what a spliff is. A spliff is something you roll, turn, light and burn. Don't ask if you don't know. And if you don't know, uhhh, stay ignorant. [BLEEP!]

M

Women who don't want us so-called dirty old men staring at them, why don't you dress as nuns, you know? Because it's too much. You are gorgeous and sexy and admit it and live freely as you do and you scream out, "Girl Power," and live forever with that. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

No, we need more of those skanky sluts, God, we need more of them. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. This is to the moron who ranted about the chicken commercials. How the fuck can he tell if a chicken is happy? What, is he pecking around and smiling? It's a beak. How can you tell if it's smiling or happy? You're an idiot. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I'm in Montreal from the west coast and I saw the most disgusting thing occur on the corner of René-Lévesque and Crescent. Some idiot from 2000 Adventures from Brooklyn, New York, some tour bus, dumped his SEWAGE all over the corner nearly splashing myself and my companion. It's not enough that these fucking Americans give us acid rain, but now they're giving us their shit and piss too. See you later. [BLEEP!]

M

I just want to tell everybody not to take safety precautions for granted--not even for a minute because I messed my ears up pretty badly and it was just for a minute. So safety first everybody and, uh, Slayer sucks. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.