This week: Drunk littering, doomed happy chickens, boy and girl scouts!

Plus: Spliff filters vs. soggy sticky roaches!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

I just got back from the Red Hot Chili Peppers' concert and it was really awesome. But I can't stand that we pay 40 bucks to hear 20,000 of our peers singing along to the band. I went there to hear the Chili's sing and not the fans! That's my rant for tonight. [BLEEP!]

M

(speaking very slowly, dreamily, with East Indian accent) Hi. The music scene in Montreal needs a lot of classical Indian music because it's really, really, really wonderful music. And I hope that the guys who read this rant will really give a shot to classical Indian music. You've got to give yourself in to get what you want from classical Indian music. Go ahead, guys. [BLEEP!]

F

Let's talk about local music? Who gives a fuck?! Let's talk about pollution in Montreal. Like, why don't we all start picking up our papers, throwing our gum in the garbage, putting our paper in the garbage? Like, come on, people, like, before we start thinking about music--which is a good thing to think about, I mean, we all love music--let's take care of our city first! That's where everything starts. And to comment on music as I'm leaving this message, I want to talk about Supergrass' new video clip. It's amazing. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F

I'm calling about Arrival. It was great and everything--lots of cute boys. But you know who they had cleaning up? Boy and GIRL SCOUTS. We saw them putting on gardening gloves and I don't know if they were even getting paid. You know what they probably got paid in? Badges. "Here you go, you get a rude-awakening merit badge." [BLEEP!]

M

Whoever says that CHOM sucks doesn't know what the hell they're talking about! And don't you dare put down the Moffats 'cause I'll bing-bang-boom your fucking face in. [BLEEP!]

F

I just called to say that the only good thing at CHOM is Claude Rajotte. Exhibit A. [BLEEP!]

F

How can one listen to CHOM and read the Mirror and be the same person? One tells me you want to have a Christmas tree shoved up your ass while the other decries the fact that our asses are numb because we have so many Christmas trees up our asses. Left, right, left, right, left, right. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M

What's all this about filters in spliffs just happening in Quebec? Now that's bollocks, mate. I've smoked up with people all over this CRAZY PLANET and we all filtered together. If we didn't filter, we'd receive a full blow of reality right to the head and that'd be just too much. [BLEEP!]

M

Yo, this is for the guy who complained about spliffs with filters in 'em in Quebec. That's what makes Quebec culture UNIQUE, motherfucker. Everybody does it here. Anglos, francos, blacks, whites. That guy just wants to be like everybody else--he should move to Burlington and go smoke those pathetic looking Reefer Madness-type doobies on the side of Lake Champlain. We don't need him here. Thank you. Good night. [BLEEP!]

F

To the guy who thinks that filters in joints are unique to Quebec. If, in his extensive travels of North America, he had bothered to go anywhere east of Montreal, he would've found that pot smokers in Newfoundland, PEI, Nova Scotia and New Brunswick also use filters. It's a personal preference. Some smokers don't mind sucking on soggy, sticky roaches and inevitably wasting the last quarter of their joints, but I do. [BLEEP!]

F

What exactly is a spliff anyways? [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I was just wondering--how come in those CHICKEN commercials, they always show some chicken that's really happy? I mean, if I was about to be murdered and devoured, I wouldn't be smiling. I wouldn't be very happy at all. I don't know, maybe it's just me. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. We are two girls who are sick and tired of old men honking, waving and staring at us. And if you are, just please stop. It's a real turn-off. No girl wants to walk down the street having an old man--an old, wrinkly 85-year-old man--staring at her ass. So, please stop if you're an old man who does this. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, I just gotta vent. Don't you hate skanky sluts who pose as your girlfriend just so they can steal your boyfriend? Thanks [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.