This week: Ganja Crew, Pringles Girl, club quotas!

Plus: New phone book paper useless as joint filter!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

This is to the black man who's worried because they won't let him into clubs. Oh, baby, get a grip. You're black! It doesn't matter that you have a degree, it doesn't matter that you're well dressed and it doesn't matter that you have a great job. I'm one of the best looking women in town. I used to be a MODEL. I know I'm fine, but I still get followed around like a THIEF when I go in stores. It's all about being black. You could be Jesus' son but they still wouldn't let you in 'cuz you're black, baby and that's how it is. Get a grip. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I'm calling about the black guy wondering why he can't get into hip hop clubs. It's because the white dude in front of the door is scared because he knows you're going to get in there and catch all of those WHITE BITCHES. So stop wondering about it! And if you're free, I'm pretty damned good looking, too. Maybe we could hook up, okay? [BLEEP!]

M

This is for the black guy there. Listen, I'm a DOORMAN and I work at R&B clubs around the city. It's no secret that there are QUOTAS against black guys at clubs. We're just doing our job, know what I mean? [BLEEP!]

M

I'd just like to say that the Ganja Crew is about to take over town. GC, man, GC. Representing intelligent manifestations of creative potential, that's right. Representing chilling on the COUCH playing Nintendo. Yo, representing music and throat singing, yo. Word up, yo. GC representing trouble, trouble for the average man out there 'cuz it represents a new way of living, a new philosophy towards life. So fuck you, Salary Man. Fuck you, Mr. I Have a Plan and fuck you Mr. McGill Management Stan. GC's up on the move so best to get your groove on this ill caboose 'cuz we getting loose. Peace to TLC, yo. [BLEEP!]

M

I completely agree with the rant about CHOM FM. It really does suck. Especially the Electric Lunch Hour request show, where you're supposed to call up and request old songs. There are hundreds of thousands of songs but they always play the same ones. Thin Lizzy, Blue Oyster Cult, The Knack's "My Sharona" over and over and over again instead of playing original classics like they supposedly say. Yeah, CHOM sucks. That's all I've got to say. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. This is for that girl who ate the whole package of low-fat Pringles. I just want to say that, well, I've been there too and it feels shitty and, I don't know, you've just got to get down with some spirituality and stop worrying about that shit and get on with your life. All right. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I've been watching Survivor for the past little while and I thought it was cool and shit until all of a sudden half the people are arguing over barbecues and shit and I realized that all these girls have completely clean-shaven ARMPITS. Why is it that they're giving these girls razors? I want to see a Survivor episode where they're actually competing for razors to shave their skanky-ass armpits. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. This is for the Pringles Girl who was complaining about how you have to be anorexic to be beautiful in this society. That is not true. You have to be beautiful to yourself. I've got ROLLS, you know, and I consider myself beautiful. If you smile from way deep inside, people will see that and they'll pick it up. You have to be beautiful on the inside to be beautiful on the outside. That's what counts. Girlfriend, you got it all mixed up. [BLEEP!]

P

Okay, just a thought. Could you have a P for Person instead of GENDERIZING where the comment comes from? Obviously, though, I'm a male. Anyway, I want to rant about those 1.2-litre bottles of beer--they're full of toxic chemicals that degenerate and I think they're actually destroying the livers of poor people, which is a shame. And the other thing I want to rant about is that most people on the Rant Line(TM) are always talking about sex. I'd like to see the STATISTICS. Maybe you should do a survey about how many DON'T get sex in this town. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I just got the new phone book in the mail and I have a problem with it. Where the hell am I going to get FILTERS for my joints now that they don't have the regular paper? These ones have some sort of a plastic film that probably won't biodegrade for 10,000 years. What the hell's up with that? That was the best use for a phone book! [BLEEP!]

M

Why is it when I walk my dog down the street and it takes a shit on the sidewalk I get a $116 ticket by some fucking cop downtown? But when they're walking their big-assed horses and they do some big nasty-assed shit with, like, HAY and stuff in it, why is it that they don't get anything? Later. [BLEEP!]

M

Blazing God. You who are the king of all the gods. Lord of the sun. Master of all that is wild and free. The father of woman and man. Lover of the moon goddess and protector of all the Wicca. Descend, I pray, with your solar ray of power upon my circle here. Blessed be Chevo. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.