This week: Pipe-smokers at CHOM, extreme pants, riboflavin!

Plus: No skanky armpits on Survivor!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

This is [someone claiming to be] Kevin from Slaves on Dope calling from New York state. We're on the Ozzfest all summer. I'm just calling 'cuz I'm checking out the Mirror--we got a friend from Montreal to send us a copy--and just looking at all the bands doing Warped and playing around Montreal and I think it's really cool. We can't wait to get back to Montreal and play for all you guys. And I just hope everything's going well there and I see everything's moving along. Talk to you soon. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I just called CHOM FM for the Drive at Five--what they call the only request hour on CHOM. Well, I asked for a Faith No More song, they said it was too heavy for the station. Then I asked for the new Moetley Cruee single, it's still too heavy for the station. So what's happening right now is, I guess, the industry's trying to kill the metal. They say metal's dead. No, it's not dead --they're trying to kill it! As long as the music industry will be controlled by PIPE-SMOKING baby boomers, nothing will be done for metal and even hip hop. I'm not a hip hop fan but I know it's popular, it sells. It should get airplay. Man, CHOM, what happened? You're the station that made me discover Metallica 15 years ago and now what? Moetley Cruee's too heavy? Come on! Come on! In five years, you'll realize that you missed the track by, like, 10 miles. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M

Yo. This is fuckin' SK calling. Just in response to the local music scene and all this shitty talk about balls. Fucking SK's got the biggest balls of them all! You come on out and get front row at an SK show, less you be illin', less you be chillin', less you be trippin' on this shit too much, you got to go home. Time to get up 'cuz it's time to get down. Yo, you been looking and hunting for something real around this town? I'm gonna be the MOUSE, I'm gonna be the bad one who gonna give you the fucking directions and I expect you to elaborate upon 'em. Want you to line up. It's your time to rock the mic and I'm the only MC you got left. S motherfuckin' K. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I agree about the swollen balls and shit. I'm a guy, I'm in my 20s. I went shopping for PANTS and, I swear to god, there are only two kinds of pants in this city--the ones where your crotch is down at your knees or the ones where your crotch is halfway up your asshole. I mean, come on, what happened to the moderately baggy pants or the moderately tight pants? All we got are fucking extremes and I hate it. [BLEEP!]

M

I'm a black man, I'm 24 years old, I have a degree, I dress well, I have a great job, so could someone please answer this question? Why is it when I try to get in to a club that plays black music, soul, R&B or hip hop that they don't like letting black guys in? It doesn't make sense. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I'd like to respond to a rant about how the lesbians, gays and bi's of the pagan Wiccan community of Montreal are never at Pride. Well, I'll tell you, we're never at Pride 'cuz it's always held at the same time as the best pagan Wiccan festival this side of eastern Canada. And we're all there doing our stuff by the bonfire and the river and, well, not at Pride. But, hey, just have it another weekend! Hey, we'll go, we're there! [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I've been watching Survivor for the past little while and I thought it was cool and shit until all of a sudden half the people are arguing over barbecues and shit and I realized that all these girls have completely clean-shaven ARMPITS. Why is it that they're giving these girls razors? I want to see a Survivor episode where they're actually competing for razors to shave their skanky-ass armpits. [BLEEP!]

M

I've got three words for the Sid Vicious-loving fool who doesn't quite understand why Ex-Centris won't let him in to their theatre to eat stinky pizza that he purchased across the street at Euro-Deli. You're an idiot. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I'm just calling to say that riboflavin is the best vitamin in the world. [BLEEP!]

M

The fucking squeegee guy at the corner of Clark and Jean-Talon, fuck that! Fuck that with a fuckin' beeper and a fucking $40 T-shirt. I don't have a beeper because I can't afford a fuckin' beeper. Why is that guy on the corner of Clark and Jean-Talon? Fuck that! [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, I'm ranting because I just ate a whole package of Pringles low-fat barbecue chips and I'm depressed. You need to be anorexic to be beautiful in this society. Good grief. Anyhoo, talk to you soon, gotta go puke. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.