Daddies in denial

>> Jesse Green preaches gay parenthood in The Velveteen Father

by JULIET WATERS

"There are many ways to be an adult, and many more ways not to. Having children guarantees nothing. I don't recommend it except, like art, to those who feel they simply must," writes Jesse Green, author of The Velveteen Father: An Unexpected Journey to Parenthood.

The problem is that there are so many people, especially men, who don't feel they "must" be parents until they actually become parents. It's like the pivotal scene from the children's classic The Velveteen Rabbit:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse.

Whether certain people are "made to be parents" is a matter for debate. Yet for a community that is so vigilant about debating every issue surrounding cultural vs. genetic determination, it's interesting how little energy goes into debating the common assumption that gay men just aren't "made" to raise children. They are, of course, "made" to be unpaid babysitters, adopted "uncles," sperm donors, and if they're fortunate, legal parents of older foster children, or HIV-infected or drug-addicted infants.

The discrimination of adoption agencies in favouring heterosexual couples, single women and lesbians over gay men is only a small part of the problem. As Green argues in his memoir about his own experience as a gay male who became a father to two infants, a larger part of the problem may be denial.

It's far less painful to focus on the benefits of being "child-free"--the undamaged furniture, the economic freedom, the solitude and unfettered travel time--than go anywhere near the grief of sterility. Easier to believe childlessness is your genetic destiny, or a lifestyle preference, than a cultural injustice, or worse, a self-destructive choice.

"To the extent gay men have abandoned younger people, whether because of the pain of their own youths or the intimidation of bigots, I hope they have the nerve to return. Not the way they returned to the gym--with a vengeance--but the way they returned from their long years of internal exile to the crowded field of the civic realm. What did all those demonstrations demonstrate if not connectedness?"

But where will this nerve come from until more openly gay men become parents, and write about it as beautifully as Green does?

The chances of a gay man serendipitously becoming the full-time parent of an infant are pretty slim. One can have a drunken one-night stand with Madonna, but that might bomb just as badly in life as it did at the box office. Or one can fall permanently in love with a gay man who has successfully adopted a child, which is what happened to Green.

Green had readied himself for the typical child-free life until one day he met Andy M., a guidance counsellor who had adopted a baby with temporary tremors from a cocaine-addicted mother. The baby soon became healthy and adorable and Green discovered that there were rewards to being a parent that were deeper than what he'd ever imagined. Less than two years later, Andy was awarded a baby who would recover from temporary jaundice, and eventually Green became the legal co-parent of both children.

As Green's neighbour, actress Mercedes Ruehl, prophesied about a week before he met Andy, "when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears." For whatever reason, the gay community doesn't seem ready to tackle this issue. But when they are, maybe the teachers will appear. Maybe they will appear in the guise of imperfect, but not necessarily unhealthy, babies. Maybe they're just waiting for a different kind of demonstration. :

The Velveteen Father by Jesse Green. Ballantyne, pb, 240pp, $22