This week: Master lickers, more swollen balls, 16-year-old chickenheads!

Plus: What would Sid Vicious say?!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

This is about the music scene in Montreal. It's not only bad, it's gotten worse. In the '70s, Montreal was a HOTBED for progressive rock. Bands from all around the world came here! I'm talking about Pink Floyd, Genesis, Supertramp and many others who made a name for themselves here in Montreal before the rest of North America. Nowadays, all we have is hip hop and trip hop and reggae and shit like that. Long live progressive rock! It's still alive, it's still there, it's underground. I hope that one day it will be back in the mainstream. Meanwhile, we unfortunately have to put up with all that shit that's going on in clubs and universities and radio. That was my comment. [BLEEP!]

M

This is rant for the guy who left a rant about that band the Fucknutz. You guys are seriously fucked up. I listened to all of your songs that were listed on that MP3.com site and, man, for some reason, after I heard the song "I Don't Like What I Smell," I had to seriously run to the washroom immediately and evacuate my abdomen. I never shit that hard in my life. That song inspired me to take the biggest fucking shit that has ever been known to mankind! I've never pinched a LOAF the size of four piles of Webster's dictionary, I'm telling you, this was wild. You guys are amazing, man. [BLEEP!]

M

So I went to Ex-Centris the other night to see the new Sex Pistols documentary and I was carrying a slice of pizza from Euro-Deli in a bag. The ticket taker looked in the bag and told me "No food in here." So they're no different from the corporate weasels--I thought they were supposed to be alternative. What do you think Sid Vicious would say? [BLEEP!]

F

This goes out to all the bouncers in Montreal coming from a lot of people. It's time to start CARDING everyone, because us girls who are 22, 23, 24 don't like going to clubs where our friends are going to end up at home with jailbait. Guys don't like it because they go home with jailbait and girls don't like it 'cuz it's bad. Please start carding. Have a wicked, wicked, wicked week. (another female voice) No more 16-year-old CHICKENHEADS! [BLEEP!]

F

Okay, it's like six in the morning and I'm sitting on the toilet reading my Rant Line as usual and some guy is calling people stupid 'cuz they didn't book Lenny Bruce at Just for Laughs. Maybe I'm the stupid one, but I think Lenny Bruce is dead, right? I don't think I'm mistaken. Okay. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F

A few months ago somebody ranted that Miles Davis should be hired to play in Montreal. This week someone wants Lenny Bruce for the Comedy fest. Well, I think someone should give a free concert on Ile Ste-Helene and invite Stevie Ray Vaughn, Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix. While we're at it, why not Robert Johnson and Janis Joplin and Scott Joplin? A lot of people would show up. Thanks. /FONT>[BLEEP!]

M

I agree that swollen balls are the greatest thing since sliced bread, but I don't think guys should have to wear tight pants around the crotch area. If you wanted to see the size of my balls, I could show you any time, but wearing tight jeans is just not a good idea. It's no good for the balls and you could become impotent. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, this is for the GAY WITCH who wanted to see more gay witches at the Pride parade. You know what, hon, I'm going to be at the Pride parade and I'm going to have on a big fucking PENTACLE so why don't you watch for me? Schtup a guy for the goddess! Yeah! Come on! [BLEEP!]

F

Well, I'm a girl and I'm not blonde and I don't have the hugest tits in the world but I've made out with other chicks before and I think it's safe to say that if you walked up to me in a restaurant and asked me to have a threesome with you and some other girl, I'd probably say no. Because you know what? We just don't have time for losers like you. [BLEEP!]

M

If I had a nickel for every person I've killed, well I wouldn't be any richer. If I had a nickel for every person I've wanted to kill, well, at least I'd be able to afford a hitman. [BLEEP!]

M

I wish I was a dog. Then everybody would love me and smile at me and come up and rub me and then I could LICK any girl I wanted. I love licking. I'm a guy and licking rules. Blowjobs suck--85 per cent of girls don't know how to give one properly. I'd rather lick a pussy any day than get a blowjob. I'm the master licker in the world! They should have a competition and I would win. Guys, please lick your girls tonight. She deserves it. They should have a national licking day. Long live licking!! [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.