This week: Gay Wiccan pride, the Fucknutz, dead bikers, Christine Long!

Plus: Plus: The extreme virtuosity of Cannibal Corpse!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Hello Rant Line, I think it's NOT a very good idea to have Cannibal Corpse headlining the Polliwog outdoor show. Cannibal Corpse are really kick-ass live, they are very tight VIRTUOSOS with great songs, but I don't think they fit the party atmosphere that is supposed to be the Polliwog, outdoors in front of 5,000 drunk people. Their music is too technical and should be at the Spectrum. If the Polliwog people wanted to introduce mainstream people to EXTREME music, they picked the wrong band. Cannibal Corpse are centred around gore and horror movies--they have song titles like "Entrails Ripped From Her Virgin Cunt" and "Fucked With a Knife." I think this might actually repel mainstream people rather than attract them. Polliwog should've booked Cradle of Filth or something like that.

M

M Hey, this is Dee bitchin' about how bad the music scene is. The only thing that gets recognized is either gay, hip hop, French or foreign. Hardly anyone has balls in this scene and, when they do, people in this city are either too PC or too stupid to get it. And as far as punk and rock 'n' roll goes, people only want to go see OLD MEN play shows when us kids are busting our asses. Fuck the Jazz Fest! [BLEEP!]

M

I got a rant about CFCF-12 and this fucking Christine Long. Every time there is a reggae or calypso show in Montreal, she never mentions it! She tells us all about the other shows, but I never once remember her telling us about the reggae artists unless it's some white promoter that bring the show in. One love. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, this is John Custodio, I desperately need you to publish this. It's a LOVE LETTER--a really short one--to Patti Smith, whose concert I just came from. Dear Patti, you made me feel like a teenager again. I love you. Your anthems rock my world still. P.S. Please come back soon. [BLEEP!]

M

(through a vocoder) I'm a singer with a local Montreal band called the Fucknutz and I thought all you sick pricks needed to hear the lyrics to one of our songs called "Vomit Turns Me On". "1-2-3-4, Vomit turns me on/I want to see you eat your own excrement/Oh yeah, it would pleasure me/To see your fire being raped with a tomato/Sucking on a screwdriver/I wanna piss in my fishtank/You fuckin' bitch." You can hear this song and many more by the Fucknutz at www.mp3.com/fucknutz. [BLEEP!]

M

M Hear ye, hear ye, all fellow gay and lesbian witches of the Wiccan community. I've been observing the Gay Pride parade for the last couple of years and I haven't been seeing any floats going by of any Wiccans. What's going on, guys? Let's get out there! [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I just heard this comedian guy Lenny Bruce on the radio and the guy is really fucking funny! It's some of the funniest shit I've ever heard, man. So how come those idiots who hire the talent for the Just for Laughs festival don't ever book this guy? Every year they just book these same unfunny clowns and stupid circus acts. They got to get smart over there or that festival is going to go down. Seriously. Okay, I'm outta here.

[BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, like, hey, like, McDonald's should deliver, man. They make, like, super cash, man. Like, they make it big. I mean, like, fuck, they've already sold, like, one-billion hamburgers so, like, I mean, if they delivered they'd sell, like, a zillion, fuck. Okay, later.[BLEEP!]

M

M These are to all those nice members of the Hell's Angels and Rock Machine. If you want to kill each other, fine--but don't throw the BODIES into the river. I found one today and it's not nice. If you want to kill each other, do it, but don't toss the bodies into the river for people like me or kids to pick up. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F

Okay, where can I find GERMAN GUYS in Montreal. I mean, I'm fed up with Latino pussies and I want to see more Germans. Real men! I'm looking for a German guy with a real sexy German voice to do stuff to me with Jell-O shots and whipped cream.[BLEEP!]

F

Hi, me and my friends think that the greatest thing since sliced bread is guys' balls--SWOLLEN BALLS. And we also think that guys should have to wear tight pants around the crotch area so we can see the size of their balls. That's it, bye.[BLEEP!]

M

Hi, man. I'm a guy who is in love with my CATS, okay? Man, I wish cats were human, 'cuz I would have sex with them all the time. I think they're the greatest! They are so sensual! I love my cats to death, more than I love my girlfriend. I'm not into bestiality, I think it's disgusting, but I wish cats were human because they are the most erotic things in the world. Bye.[BLEEP!]

M

I'm just calling to say that I don't mind SILICONE. In fact, I love it and encourage it. I think that a chick who puts silicone in her tits to make them bigger and stuff, it's like a work of art. It's like someone who takes pride in what they do in crafting a fine sculpture. I'm gonna go masturbate. Have a nice evening.[BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.