Don't buy it

>> Pokémon 2000 aims to inspire another spending spree

by MARK SLUTSKY

What to make of the juvenile sensation that is Pokémon? A marketing explosion of video games, cartoons and other assorted merchandise, the presence of these pint-sized imaginary creatures can be felt on any schoolyard, popular to a truly insane degree. Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, Smurfs--they got nothing on these guys.

There's even a Pokémon inter-city train in Japan. An actual train. That you can ride on. Last year, the first Pokémon movie made huge barrels-full of cash, so it's no surprise that the little critters are back in Pokémon 2000, their second feature.

A brief explanation, for those readers who haven't been hanging around children: Pokémon (short for "pocket monsters") are little creatures that can be caught by human trainers in little balls. In the cartoons and video games, trainers compete, pitting their Pokémon against each other in battles, attempting to capture rare or precious Pokémon. That cute yellow character you've probably seen is Pikachu, a sort of species representative, who's quickly become the darling of the jungle-gym set. Essentially, it's a diabolical way of getting children's money (or their parent's money, as it were); since the emphasis is on acquiring new Pokémon, rampant consumerism is even embedded in the plot of the cartoons.

I must confess that I half hoped Pokémon 2000 would be an incomprehensible, semi-psychedelic experience aimed at kids with short attention spans. Sadly, this was not the case: the movie, which seems to revolve around some highfalutin baddy who upsets the balance of nature by capturing some fancy Pokémon, is nothing more than a lame half-hour cartoon episode stretched out to 90 minutes.

The kids in the theatre, visibly excited at the beginning of the movie, seemed to slump into a half-amused stupor. It's terrible children's entertainment, transparently designed to do nothing more than sell merchandise. The extent of the evil is revealed even in the dialogue--the Pokémon can only speak their own names, thus continually "branding" and advertising themselves. It's not even like the animation is any good; with the exception of some CGI nonsense, it's not even Saturday-morning cartoon calibre--Sunday morning would be more like it.

It's almost criminal to subject young minds to this kind of trash. Pokémon and its ilk indoctrinate while they entertain, training kids to value the consumption of novelty above all else. If your youngsters are bored, take 'em to see Chicken Run instead. Or read them a book--just not one of the Pokémon titles.

Pokémon 2000 opens Friday, July 21