This week: Sliced bread, bad spelling, a big box of vibrators!

Plus: Too many Castellis!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

Ed's note: It has come to the attention of the Rant Line(TM) that the rant left last week by Jailhouse promoter Dom Castelli, in which he called a performance by the Vaginal Croutons "WAY OVER THE LINE," was, in fact, NOT left by Dom Castelli but by someone impersonating Castelli using sophisticated voice mimicking techniques. Furthermore, according to the real Castelli, the reason the Vaginal Croutons were kicked off the Jailhouse stage on June 6 was not because they were being offensive to women ("There were only eight people in the venue"), but because they were making a MESS and spraying a water gun into the club's sound equipment. "It is never good to mix water with electricity," Castelli stressed. The Rant Line(TM) apologizes to the real Castelli and is now engaged in a intensive effort to identify the fake Castelli.

F Hi. I just read the rant that Dom left about the Vaginal Croutons and I fucking hope it's true! [Ed's note: Please see above note.] It's about goddamned time! My band had the misfortune to play with those fucking losers at Jailhouse a while back and they were so bad that half the people had to go sit outside for their set. I mean, the singer sings with a goddamned fake British accent! How much more lame can you get? Anyhow, I don't understand where they get this reputation of being so SUBVERSIVE. They act like they're the fucking reincarnation of GG Allin and they're more like fucking 'N Sync. The only thing shocking about the Vaginal Croutons is that they continue to get bookings and press regardless of how lame they are. All I can figure is that their mothers must be baking a hell of a lot of cookies. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is Scott from Club Zone. I just read the rant about how we can't SPELL here. Well, I've got one thing to say. If the bands would make some decent posters, not drawn with fucking CRAYONS, so I could read them, then maybe we could put the names up properly. And if the bands themselves could spell, then maybe, you know, we'd have a proper marquee. Learn how to spell! Right. Make some good posters! Right. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is John Custodio, I desperately need you to publish this. It's a LOVE LETTER--a really short one--to Patti Smith, whose concert I just came from. Dear Patti, you made me feel like a teenager again. I love you. Your anthems rock my world still. P.S. Please come back soon. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, I have the answer for the young man who is looking for who Rachel and Marie-Anne are. Well, according to the book, Les rues de Montréal, which I ripped off from City Hall, notary Jean-Marie Cadieux bought some land around here in 1834 and decided to name some streets after his family members. So he named Rachel after his daughter, and he named Marie-Anne St. after his sister-in-law, Marie-Anne Roy, and we can understand why Roy St. is called Roy. A lot of these guys liked to name streets after their lovely women. So they didn't actually FUCK anyone and they're not saints and they do have last names and they're even related to the same person. So stay cool and the best thing before sliced bread was definitely sex. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this is in reply to the person wondering about Rachel and Marie-Anne and whether they fucked anybody. Well, how come when it's women, it's about fucking somebody, but when it's guys, it's not about raping, PILLAGING, slavery and all that crap? Thank you.

M Yeah, the best thing before sliced bread? It was women who shut up. [BLEEP!]

M Rhythm Mercenaries were the best thing before sliced bread.

[BLEEP!]

M Only an idiot would ask the question what was better than sliced bread, man. Pussy, you fucking dumb fuck, man.

M The best thing before sliced bread was definitely beer, maybe pot, man. I swear to fucking god.[BLEEP!]

F (two young-sounding girls) (Girl 1) This is for the guy who says he likes lesbians (Girl 2) and I just wanted to say that if any guy ever approached me like that, I would definitely say yes because (Girl 1) it's such a turn on (Girl 2) and I just wanted to know how old you were, where you're from and if you have a nice long dick and if you have a car (Girl 1) and are you really good at fucking? Okay, bye. Answer back. (Girl 2) Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Last night some guy on St-Denis with a big box of VIBRATORS tried to sell me a vibrator and I'm wondering--is that legal? I mean, how do we know if they are clean? Should we have Quebec health inspectors check this out? I was thinking of buying a vibrator for my girlfriend, but I wasn't so sure that she'd like it if she knew I bought it off of some guy in the street. Peace.[BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.