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This week: Beached Whale, punk rock slave boys, volleyball, a decent gram!
Plus: How to improve the Mirror!!
"edited" by AL SOUTH M I'm really pissed off that the Mirror doesn't carry Cecil Adams' The Straight Dope anymore. That was one of the main reasons I used to pick up the Mirror every week. [BLEEP!] F I think the Mirror rules but I think they should have more rants. [BLEEP!]
F
Why doesn't the Mirror drop all the listings and ads and stuff and just publish a giant Rant Line(TM) every week. It's the only part of your paper that anyone ever reads anyway. You should do it, man. Over.
M
Yo,yo yo, I just stepped out of the Just For Laughs Cabaret where I've just witnessed the best show of the summer--probably the greatest prelude to the opening of the Jazz Fest. I'm talking about the Beached Whale show. Unbelievable man. The whole show was so organized it was like an AUDIO ORGASM. They will be the next greatest thing since sliced bread.
[BLEEP!]
M
The local music scene. A bunch of trendy fuckers playing three chords full blast thinking they're so alternative. Have you ever noticed how the local music scene seems to be heard only by the local music scene?
[BLEEP!]
F
Yeah, I'm just looking for a punk rock boy and I want to have a SLAVE and I think punk rock boys are so hot. I think that maybe if you are a punk rock boy I could PAY you money to be my sex slave. I'm really hot. Bye.
F
This goes out to all those fuckers who've taken over Jeanne-Mance Park with their stupid VOLLEYBALL hobby. Did you know that this is the only decent place to walk your dog? Or at least it used to be until you guys showed up with your flexed muscles and your neon net. I wish you guys would get a life or, better yet, get a dog!
[BLEEP!]
M
Yeah, I'm getting pretty pissed at this city, man. All this fucking pot in the city but you can't find a decent GRAM. If you're lucky you get a .7, but most of the time you get a .5. Is there somebody out there with half-decent grams for $10? Come on, man, with all the pot you guys are selling you're still making money. Give a full gram, for fuck's sake.
[BLEEP!]
M
I just wanted to say that last Sunday I was listening to CKUT and enjoying myself and they had a little giveaway and I called in and I won a BONG. I think that's pretty cool. Long live CKUT!
[BLEEP!]
M
Yo, how can you Rant Line dickweeds sleep at night after printing a rant advising Rasta wannabes to shampoo their dreadlocks with fucking cat shit? It's bad enough having to watch these uninformed white Rasta poseurs prance around with their fake locks without having to smell some cat's reeking excrement. Check it out. If you shampoo with cat logs, you have no friends. Peace.
[BLEEP!]
M
This is to the female who thinks she's UGLY. Well, first of all just find out what part of your body you really like and focus on that. And after you will find more beauty and as time goes on you you will come to think that you're not as ugly as you really think you are. Anyways, everybody feels kind of ugly sometimes. Just think positive and you're probably not as ugly as you think you are.
[BLEEP!]
F
My friends and I think that you shouldn't allow ugly people to rant on the Rant Line--ever! Stop the uglies! Now!
[BLEEP!]
M
I'm ugly too.
[BLEEP!]
F
Sorry, but you're not as ugly as I am.
[BLEEP!]
M
Nope, you're beautiful.
[BLEEP!]
M
Yeah, it's 1:30 a.m. on Saturday evening and I'm watching mini-putt on RDS and I wanted to say that it was a POOR PIECE OF JOURNALISM to publish that rant saying that mini-putt has been off the air for a couple of years. Mini-putt has been there, each summer, for easily the last 10 years.
[BLEEP!]
M
Has anyone seen Arthur the Diaper Boy? I really miss him. Is he still walking around town in his diapers? What's happened? I need to know. Arthur, where are you?
[BLEEP!]
M
Hi, you know what's stupid? All those TOURISTS deciding to rip up the mountain on St-Jean Baptiste, pulling up benches and wasting tax payers' dollars. You know what's even stupider? The riot police picking fights with people. I was stopped, I was beaten, I did nothing. I hate the pigs.
[BLEEP!]
F
Yeah, this is for the people of Montreal. I just want to say that it's a BEAUTIFUL SUMMER and that we've been blessed with beautiful weather and I hear these rants and people going around with such a negative vibe and I'd just like to inject some positivity into your lives. Spread the love, spread the peace, spread the joy, be happy and everything is going to come to you. Take care and have a beautiful summer.
[BLEEP!]
Next week: Open forum
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