This week: Dread dandruff, beard cuts, the Box!

Plus: Lack of cute Montreal boys decried as wide-scale phenomenon!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Yeah, this is Dom from Jailhouse calling about that guy who's calling all bands RETARDS and he works with the bands. Dude, why don't you chill and quit your job? You get your own fucking life 'cuz over here at the Jailhouse we like the bands--we LOVE the bands and it's all about love. If you've got no love, stay at home and get a job somewhere far, far away from Montreal. [BLEEP!]

F I'm really starting to get confused by people talking shit--like this girl who's going off about how rock isn't dead and how hip hop is just a fad. Man, hip hop has been around for over 30 years now! I guess it's you who is behind the times. And what does it matter anyway? Music is music and good music will last and bad music won't! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this goes out to the chick who was shitting on techno and hip hop. Man, the best thing about techno and hip hop is that they'll never have a Santana or Aerosmith or a Rolling Stones. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the Gruesomes. Listen buddies, when I saw you last time, it was $3. Tonight it was $19. Look, you're old, you're getting grey hair, for Chrissakes. Get off it and let somebody else take the scene. Just fucking forget about it. Garage rock is dead. It was good in the 1980s but get with the times. Get off of your high horse and get with it. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I was at the Gruesomes concert last night and I've got to say that it really rocked--even though Jerry kind of looked like he's been hanging out with Korn. But the band was amazing and the sound was awesome! But what was weird was that I saw this guy hanging around the dance floor before the show who looked like Jean-Marc from THE BOX. He was just wandering around like he didn't have a friend in the world. He seemed to be hanging around to see if the Gruesomes could resurrect themselves, then maybe The Box could do the same. Anyway, once the Gruesomes came on and the band started playing, this Jean-Marc guy seemed to get engulfed by the mosh pit and ground to a PULP. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is to the girl who said there are no CUTE BOYS in Montreal. It is so true! If anyone has any idea where they are, they should let me know. Walking down the street, you see tons of couples where the girl is practically model-like and the guy is not good-looking at all. Which is fine, because maybe they're in love and that's beautiful, but as a wide-scale phenomenon you have to start asking questions. It's not like this in other cities. Montreal is full of pretty women! But think about it from my perspective--it's not very fair. [BLEEP!]

M To that lady who says there are no cute boys in Montreal. I have to admit it's true. I'm gay so I know about it too, and in the last few months--even years--there are less cute boys in town and it's for one reason--most of them are getting those ugly BEARD CUTS. Maybe if those guys shaved like everyone else they'd look good. Whether these guys want men or women, I don't think anybody likes that. You guys are just plain dumb! [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F For the girl who says there are no cute guys in Montreal. What is she, on crack? Oh my god, walking downtown, walking down St-Laurent, there's guys left and right. You can see them in their shorts, you can see their CALVES and their newly tanned faces. Oh my god, it's all I can do to keep the ELASTIC in my panties from melting--and sometimes I can't. Mmm, mmm, I love Montreal guys, you're the best! [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F Hello, I won't tell you my name 'cuz I'm stoned on pot, but I just wanted to know if there were any guys out there who want to have sex with a woman who is totally, totally, slathered in VASELINE. It turns me on to slather myself in Vaseline and wrap myself in Saran Wrap and then have all kinds of sex in all kinds of positions with guys. And I was also wondering if there were any girls who fantasized about doing it with, like, more than two guys at the same time. So anyways, I've got some pretty wild fantasies and I'm getting pretty horny so I'm going to go. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this goes out to the dude who left the message about my dreads. It's precisely because I wash on a regular basis that I'd like the WAX. I've no desire to grow them naturally, as I don't want huge clumps of dandruff from not washing my hair at all. So I'd appreciate some people who are out there, who just don't like to dis other people for the pure entertainment of it, if they could give me a hand. Thanks very much. And to the guy who left the rant, take it easy bro. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum