This week: Metal heads, dirty thighs, schizophrenic misanthropes!

Plus: No cute boys in Montreal, Tokyo!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M What is so cool about England in the first place that people get so excited over BRITPOP and specify it as BRITPOP? We don't call American pop American pop--we call it pop or rock or whatever. We don't call reggae Jamaican pop or Jamaican music, we call it reggae. So what is it with Britpop that people want to represent it so badly? I'd really love to know. And by the way, I worked at the Cybertek club when it was still the Double Deuce and a shit hole with mirrors is still a shit hole. [BLEEP!]

F This is Lisa for the guy who said that rock is dead. I have nothing against techno and you can kind of say that rock is dead if you want, but don't piss on everyone else's GRAVE, man. People listen to what they want. People say that punk is dead but there are still punks walking around the goddamn street! [BLEEP!]

F All right! This is for that fucking premium quality stupid fuck who insulted the intelligence of every metal head in Montreal by revealing his own tragic deficiency of intellect when he said rock died in '88. Excuse me, you motherfucker, haven't you heard that rock 'n' roll never died? Bands like Creed and Metallica and many, many others offer musical and lyrical versatility that leave hip hop and techno in the damn DUST. The reason you and others of your ilk don't have the sophistication to understand rock is because you're listening to that mindless, monotonous, stupid techno shit that goes on and on and on and never ends. Let's get something straight here--hip hop and techno may be the FAD now, but all fads fade. There's a reason they say rock 'n' roll never dies, and that's because it only gets better. It endures and it improves. In techno and hip hop, you'll never have a Santana, an Aerosmith, or even a Rolling Stones. Or any of those people who keep on rolling. Long live rock! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for all you fucking retards who think you're all so good--playing in bands and being all COOL. You come in to bars, you walk in like you're the shit, like you belong there, like it's your night, like you own the place. You guys fucking suck! I'm so happy that I get to deal with you guys on a weekly basis--watching you homos play all the time. Why don't you guys get a real fucking job and realize that if you want to make it big you have to work a little bit harder than just putting your garage band together and coming in to a bar and playing one night? [BLEEP!]

F After all the times of hearing friggin' Marty Lamar of CHOM put down all the guitarists on Stump the Guitarist, it is payback time. I got the wonderful opportunity to see Marty and his teenybopper band at the Jamboree 2000 at La Kachette and I would like to give him a big thumbs down. Whether they were playing Cheap Trick or Collective Soul it didn't matter, 'cuz every song sounded the same-- like a speed metal song. Marty, I've one word for ya--TIMING. Get some before you subject us to your playing again. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is for the bonehead who saw American Beauty and says it's ridiculous for $1,000 a Z of weed in the U.S. That's the price, baby. They buy it from us at four to five U.S. That's what we get for it and they sell it for $30 or $35 a gram. That's what it is, Negroes. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. I'd just like to rant about personal expression. I was always under the impression that guys generally appreciated SHORT SKIRTS. I consider it a kind of a form of my own personal expression. Graffiti or tagging is some other people's expression. However, some short-skirt-wearing women also appreciate being able to sit down on the bus. So do I. I, also, ask why the fuck does someone need to express themselves in permanent marker all over the fucking bus seats so it can rub off all over my THIGHS? Lovely, I think not. Thank you. I'm through expressing myself. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M Are there any places in Montreal where a socially maladjusted, schizophrenic, manic-depressive MISANTHROPE can meet women? Or do these places only exist inside my malevolent fantasias? Let me know. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F Hello, I'd like to rant about the sad state of our city--there are no CUTE BOYS in this city! I'm sitting at home in my basement, drinking my mother's beer with my little friend and we decided not to go to Tokyo tonight because there are also no cute boys there. Where are all the cute boys? [BLEEP!]

M Okay, this goes out to the guy who's looking for some WAX for his dreads. Listen, bud, if it needs strings, beads, wax, or any of that crap, it ain't dreads. So cut your hair and take a BATH. You look dirty. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum