The virtues of virginity

>> Women's group Chastity sings the praises of saving yourself for your husband

by DANIELA CAMBONE

When Madonna sang about being like a virgin, she probably didn't expect anyone to take it so seriously.

But for members of the Montreal-based virgin group, Chastity, wearing white the day of their wedding has become a central focus of their lives.

"So many girls sleep around," says Amira, 24, the leader of the group (who asked, along with other members of the club, that her last name not be used). "They don't understand the importance of virginity and saving yourself for your husband. Some people see us as snobs because we look down on non-virgins, but it is not a question of snobbiness. Rather it is simply about the fact that virginity makes one a more complete person."

Amira started Chastity five years ago, her goal being to form a group that would meet once a month to discuss issues surrounding virginity. "There are a lot of pressures on young women today, so any time one of the girls would be blinded by temptation, she could count on one of her fellow group members to remind her of the virtues of virginity."

Wearing torn, faded Levi's and sitting comfortably in her Cote-des-Neiges apartment, Amira discusses future group plans with fellow member Sheriffa, 21. "Our group is not about holding boring discussions, we also plan activities together," says Sheriffa, who joined Chastity five months ago. "Right now we're planning a weekend trip to Toronto."

Muslim majority

Amira and Sheriffa met when they began to work at a downtown telecommunications company. "We just started talking one day and I found out about Amira's group and it interested me," recalls Sheriffa. "I loved the fact that she was so proud about her virginity. I used to be so shy to admit I was still a virgin at 21, but now I am proud."

Once a month the 15 group members unite in either Amira's tightly-packed flat or they meet in the neighbourhood mosque. "The majority of the girls are Muslim, since no sex before marriage is a crucial part of the Islamic faith. But we also have Catholics, a Hindu and a girl of the Sikh faith who are part of the group," explains Amira.

Currently, there are no men in Chastity. "A lot of people ask us why we don't have men in the group," concedes Amira. "But we feel that in today's society there is a lot more pressure on women. Men who are no longer virgins are not looked upon in such a negative way."

Amira feels that Chastity is not your average virgin group, having certain traditions which set them apart. "Everyone has to wear something white the day of the meeting, a white handkerchief, socks, whatever. We do it to get everyone revved up."

And though the notion of born-again virginity has emerged on the talk-show circuit in the U.S., Amira says she doesn't subscribe to it. "I can't speak for everyone in Chastity, but though you can ask for forgiveness after losing your virginity, your innocence has been taken away and I don't feel that you can regain it."

Anal sex okay?

And members also note that being a virgin isn't necessarily as lacking in sexual pleasure as the word might suggest. "Many girls in the group have boyfriends and they do stuff with them," explains an increasingly hesitant Amira. "I don't have a boyfriend at the moment but when I did I didn't do everything some girls in the group do." This statement points up a rift that has formed between members of Chastity. Many of the girls feel that as long as their hymen is intact, they are considered virgins. While vaginal sex is ruled out, some argue anal and oral sex are perfectly acceptable pre-marital activities.

"I have a boyfriend and I love him," says another member, Sarah. "I feel I can be intimate with him but still keep my virginity. I don't see it as being hypocritical, but rather as having the best of both worlds. Virginity doesn't imply being locked up with a chastity belt--today virginity means having respect for your body."

Amira is not convinced. "It is their business. I personally do not agree with it and I have got into heated debates over this. This is not how I intended the group to be run, but I have learned to accept it."

While an unbroken hymen appears to be of paramount importance to members of Chastity, it is not uncommon for a woman's hymen to break without sexual contact. Many women play sports where much stretching is involved, which can mean broken hymens without any sexual activity.

"Well, that is a tricky situation," says Amira. "It is unfortunate if that occurs for many women. We see the hymen as a sacred barrier which should not be broken. But I guess they are still virgins if they did not perform sexual intercourse."

Membership has its privileges

So what exactly could a new member expect to happen at one of Chastity's monthly meetings? "Well, we are really against the fact that many television shows such as Dawson's Creek have way too many sexual scenes with young people," says Amira. "It sends the wrong message. It is saying that sex before marriage is okay. We are against too much sexual content the same way some people are against too much violence on television." The group decides which shows are bad influences and petitions the CRTC, lobbying to have programs cut back on sexual scenes.

"I am aware that many people must think we are freaks or that we are too prudish," acknowledges Amira. "But I think I started a really good thing. How many times do we hear stories that girls hated the first time they had sex? Why do you think that is? It is for the reason that sex is a powerful, beautiful thing between two people and those girls were not emotionally ready for sex." Amira feels that perhaps if those girls had heard about Chastity, they might have been stronger and held out.

"I am proud and my parents are proud of me. And I know I will one day find a man who I will love and will share this incredible experience with on the night of my wedding," Amira says, hopefully.

So will Amira insist on a virgin husband? "I just want someone to respect my decision." :

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