Winning moves

>> B-boys! B-girls! Here are the aces up your sleeves for RockOn 2000

by RUPERT BOTTENBERG and SCOTT C / Illustrations by GENE STARSHIP

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Oh, how a young b-boy or b-girl dreams of winning a prize at the prestigious RockOn breakdance competition--now in its third year, and Y2K compliant with its "2000" suffix! But salty tears stain many a Power Rangers pillowcase, as these spirited hopefuls realize that perhaps their skills will not be sufficient to pay the bills. Well, stop it, you blubberbabies! Here's a lucky seven new moves that you can adopt, perfect and trot out to the amazement of opposing crews, judges and health-care professionals alike.

The eyespin

How it's done: If you can do a headspin, you can do this. Gently hold back your eyelids, place your ocular orb against the ground and use it as a pivot for repeated spins.

Origin: Most b-boys will tell you that this popular and exciting move is simply an extension of the headspin that came about when moms nationwide were chastising their offspring for perpetrating the headspin--this after numerous media reports of breakers snapping their necks like breadsticks. B-boys would claim that because they were spinning on their eyes and not their heads, no such injury could occur. The Mirror, however, has discovered that the eyespin in fact originates from the early days of modern Israel. Celebrated Israeli general Moshe Dayan would often do eyespins as a sort of creepy victory dance after kicking Arab ass. He did so without safety precautions, though, and had to get an eyepatch as a result. So we advise dancers doing this move to wear a contact lens for their protection against cardboard burn--ideally, one of those freaky cat's-eye ones that makes you look like a ferocious beast warrior from a post-apocalyptic, cyber-medieval future Earth.

The huckalucktapus

How it's done: The physical position is identical to that of the popular crab walk. However, the body is completely inverted, so that hands and feet are in the air and at no time touch the ground. Undulations of the abdominal muscles serve to move the body about in a slow, graceful, nuanced fashion. Please note that it takes about three-quarters of an hour for a competent dancer to move four to five feet in this manner. Therefore, it is not ideal for competitions and their time-sensitive arrangement.

Origin: The huckalucktapus came into existence quite accidentally. In 1982, Delaware native Scoop "Scoop" DeWitt began studying a "how-to" breakdancing manual purchased at a local 7-Eleven. Being functionally illiterate, Scoop did not realize that he was reading the book upside-down, and proceeded to do the crab walk as he understood it being presented to him. He was latter crippled for life when he attempted a backspin on the ceiling of his high school gym.

The hook & sling

How it's done: This is the ultimate powermove and should be saved until the precise moment in a battle situation. Because of the sheer impact of this manoeuvre, it can only be done once. With your left leg, sweep your right leg out from under you in an intentional tripping fashion. Deftly fall on your elbows, in effect snapping both of your arms and leaving your opponent speechless.

Origin: The roots of this move are thanks to the clumsy genius of b-boy legend Chollo Grande, who after an intense workout in preparation for the Ultimate Battle "stumbled" upon this gem. With bags packed, Chollo was on his way to catch a plane when his attention was grabbed by a video for Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" playing on a TV displayed in a store window. Moved by the choreography sparkling before his eyes, Chollo dropped his bag and started mimicking the moves he saw, and right there in the street the hook and sling was born. Fortunately for Chollo, his muffled cries for help were met with the hearty applause of passers-by. Chollo now owns a chain of Chinese restaurants and dances on street corners for fun.

The duck, duck, goose

How it's done: This is a very difficult move, reserved for the more seasoned b-boy or any thrillseeker in the crew. While the opposing crew is distracted, tiptoe to their side of the floor and proceed to tap each member on the head--without their knowledge! Then, suddenly howl "Goose!" and run away giggling like a girl. Some more adventurous souls might want to combine this with the McScoliosis for added effect.

Origin: This pre-school throwback has been embraced once again by b-boys who are tired of sitting through crews who do nothing but powermoves. Why sit waiting for your turn to rock it when you can be playing duck, duck, goose? It's not uncommon for a rousing game of duck, duck, goose to emerge from a sleeper of a battle. This gives the b-boys a direct challenge and feeds the need for competition. A renegade league of DDG pros looking for ready and willing participants can be reached by calling 1-800-GOOSE-ME. *

The Glute Rockne

How it's done: First, assume a sitting position with your back held straight. Next, clutch your ankles firmly, then roll back, balancing yourself on your buttocks in an inverted "A" position. Finally (and this is the hard part), use your ass cheeks as ersatz feet to "walk" around on the dance floor.

Origin: This one goes back to pre-colonial days on the islands of the South Pacific. Macho island tribesmen, unsatisfied with the wow-power of barefoot coalwalking, dared each other to cross the gauntlet of burning embers on their asses. This tradition remained when American G.I.s, stationed on the islands during WWII, picked up on the move and imported it back home to impress "the dames" during the post-war breeding frenzy. The move later resurfaced among b-boys of the Beat Street era.

The Baryshnikov Kalishnikov

How it's done: Mimicking the famous Cossack dance of Russia, squat down with one leg extended horizontally. Rather than fold your arms, extend them fully as though they are the wings of a magnificent bird. Now, begin hopping gently on the one foot still on the ground. When sufficient "air" has been achieved, swing your arms to provide propulsion for a flying whirlybird effect. With a little practice you should be able to spin six or seven times per hop.

Origin: In the early '80s, celebrated Russian ballet dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov was often spotted at clubs and parties in NYC where breakers gathered for battles. Although there primarily to score some decadent imperialist Yankee pussy, a few shots of vodka were often all it took to get ol' Micky out on the floor. This is just one of the arcane manoeuvres he would essay, to the strains of Herbie Hancock's "Rockit," all the while hollering, "We will bury you! We will bury you!"

The McScoliosis

How it's done: Simply relax all back muscles, shifting spinal discs accordingly, and bend backward until your head and torso are parallel with your legs. After that, it's all about moving to the beat.

Origin: "I originally used the McScoliosis for things like picking up pieces of trash in the park, or spare change that had fallen beneath the couch," explains b-boy extraordinaire and circus contortionist Jacob Foolishness. "It wasn't until I started working at McDonald's when I was 22 that the actual move was born." Jacob tells an excited story about the staff Christmas party where he was picking up Chicken Nuggets that he had dropped on the dancefloor, when a circle formed around him. "Then I knew I had created a serious move, and I took it to the hilt." Jacob now works at a chiropractic clinic where he acts as a body model for the doctor.