by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

Asia, it turns out, has no monopoly on honing the craft of knocking someone else stupid to a fine art. The western world also has a long and illustrious history of martial arts. Harken back to ye olden days, to the mighty gladiators of Roman times. Then came the noble knights and streetwise scoundrels of medieval times. Today, we have American Gladiators. So... um, yeah.

Israel: From streetfighting in pre-war Czechoslovakia to freedom-fighting with the Haganah in Palestine, Imi Lichtenfeld perfected the hand-to-hand skills which he would distill into Krav Maga, the official Hebrew Fu. Available to Israeli civilians since 1964, Krav Maga instruction is now popular with Swedish cops, U.S. athletes and uncle Irving from Long Neck, N.J.

Greece: Ancient Greek wrestling/boxing was called Pankration. The only no-nos were biting and gouging, but those zesty Spartans went and did those, too, so nobody wanted to wrestle with them.

France: Local styles include the dashingly-named Panache (a combo of Savate kickboxing and knife/club/whip attacks) and Chausson Marseilles (a knuckle sandwich with a light, flaky crust). Lead-filled baguettes often left Parisian streets soaked with blood.

Spain: The Gypsy knife-fighting technique, called Baratero, uses knives called la navajo and el cuchillo, and a chisel called la tijera. A chisel?! Yeesh.

Ireland: Stickfighting started in the 17th century after the English occupiers decided the Irish couldn't be trusted with sharp objects. The Gaelic words for these hardwood truncheons were bata, kippeen and maidi, but not the frequently-misconstrued shilelagh, which was just a common walking-stick (for the first few pints, anyway).

USA: This is where Bruce Lee, the Bob Marley of Kung Fu, perfected his Jiu-jitsu style, blending Chinese techniques with American boxing. This was at the same time as he was making westerners aware of Kung Fu with his role as Kato on the TV show Green Hornet.

Germany: Once upon a time they had stick-fighting styles, too, with jolly names like Jaegerstock and Stockfechten. Then it was decided that V2 rockets would be somehow more efficient.

Holland: The Dutch used to clock each other with a weapon called the bullepees, which was made from a dried bull penis. Don't laugh too hard, the French and English used them, too. Also, Holland is where archaeologists found a well-preserved teutona. That's a sorta boomerang, left behind by lusty but forgetful Vikings. Remember Thor's magic hammer that always came back? Well, there you go.

Canada: Remember when that pinko demonstrator got in Jean Chretien's face and he dropped the hippie with a claw shot to the neck? And he was wearing those badass Dirty Harry shades? Don't fuck with Canada, eh.

The differences between eastern and western martial arts are, firstly, that western styles are largely secular and secondly, while eastern styles are based on moving with one's opponent, using his weight and energy, western styles are based on blocking, parrying, going against his weight. One way or another, kicking ass is a celebrated tradition the whole world over! H