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This week: Streakers, necrophiliac arousal, Ray Bonneville!
Plus: The floodwaters of Mozambique!!
"edited" by AL SOUTH M If anyone can tell me where I can find musicians who play extreme FEROCIOUS metal, maybe leave some kind of indication on the Rant Line. 'Cuz I'm at a loss. Thanks. [BLEEP!] M The majesty of DEATH. The crimson puddles stretch into rivers, glisten and clot into islands of plasmic banks. Viscera, warm caress the vampire fragrance rotting flesh. Bones crack and crumble into snowflakes of calcium. Waves upon waves of maggots feast and grow and fly out of sockets. Death, grateful majestic decomposition, erotic rigor mortis. Images of NECROPHILIAC AROUSAL. Earth and rot blanket, cold, deep sleep. One with the planet, blue pebble infinite universe. Unnoticed absence in the sea of faces, dark cold empty nothingness, faded shell. Sunset, sunrise, another life comes into the insane theatre, the carnal stage. Neverending epic melodrama, another marionette. (demonic laughter) [BLEEP!] F This is for everyone who has been calling in about No Holds Barred. The drummer may be a hottie but he can't play his way out of a PAPER BAG. I saw them play at the Haraiki in LaSalle and the locals beat the shit out of all of them. So just that you all know, he may be a hottie but he's a fucking wimp. [BLEEP!] M Hi, I'd like to rant about the really lousy quality of attitude in some of the RECORD SHOPS around here. I'm talking about being a faithful customer and not even getting acknowledged when you walk into the shop. Just because a clerk can list off the Matador and Drag City new releases for me is no reason to have this superior kind of approach. Anyway, I just want to say these places are going to lose more and more customers. They're going to go under soon enough and it's a bad deal to be going there. Bye. [BLEEP!] F Hey y'all. This is concerning the local music scene. I don't think that local artists are very well supported by us. Take Ray Bonneville. He's a local guy, an incredible musician, his music is amazing, but I think he's more popular outside of Quebec than he is here. It's a shame, people should support their local artists. It would help hard-working people like myself--who work in the MUSIC BUSINESS--to continue looking for new local artists and work with those people. [BLEEP!] F Hi, I'm just calling in to say props to my GANGSTA friend who called in to bitch about those little punk asses walking around with meaningless cans of spray paint. I'm all for graffiti, but only when it's used in an effort to reclaim part of our environment or as a gesture against individual and political submission. This is fucking ridiculous and it's making our city look really ugly so I have to agree, fucking stop it! Enough already. [BLEEP!] F This is for the person who was talking about Mumia last week. Apparently you're the one who doesn't know shit. People should go to www.danielfaulkner.com 'cuz then you'll read the real trial transcript and you'll realize you've been supporting a lost cause. Yeah, that's right, Daniel Faulkner, the guy that Mumia fucking killed. Mumia fucking killed him and so many people saw him and you know what? His own BROTHER who was there didn't deny that he killed him. Yeah, that's right. [BLEEP!] M All I want to know is which Java U employee is going to be STREAKING at Reggie's Pub next Friday night. Word. [BLEEP!] M Okay, this is for the guy looking for the G-SPOT. Buddy, sit back and take out your pad. Number one, find her clitoris. Good luck. Number two, directly inside her and underneath her clitoris go one inch north and you've found the G-spot. Enjoy. This has been a fun front-door tip from your buddy Gumbo. [BLEEP!] F G-spot dude? You're right, it is a goddamn treasure hunt. Sometimes I'm not even sure where it is myself. Why don't you ask the woman you're with to tell you how to find it? You don't need to be embarrassed--every pussy is different and we don't expect you to be a pro navigator each time you chart out new TERRAIN. But if it helps, recently I gave some advice to my gorgeous man that made me come like the floodwaters of Mozambique. As he lavishly licked my swollen clit, I told him to try and stretch his tongue with his finger from the inside of my pleasure palace. Within seconds I was purring like a kitty in heat. Good luck and I hope you make her scream for mercy--and more. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this is to the guy looking for the G-spot. Buddy, you don't know what you're missing. The G-Spot is down around Notre-Dame and Atwater. I've lived in Montreal my whole life and it's the best, okay, they've got the best hamburger steaks! Bon appetit. [BLEEP!] M Yes, I'm 36 and the last time I had sex I was younger than 30. So I'm calling to say that Johnny Rotten was right, sex is ugly. I hate everyone. No, no, I don't hate everyone but yeah, okay. Hello? [BLEEP!]
Next week: Open forum |