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This week: Rhyming skins, fat cats, toe socks!
Plus: Local woman probed by alien!!
"edited" by AL SOUTH M My rant is about the drum & bass scene in this or any other city--it sucks! Drum & bass has not evolved in four years--it all sounds the same. There are no superheroes, you all suck! Play me something original! Don't tell me you're innovative or advanced or modern--you're tired. Drum & bass, dumb and boring. Bring me new music. Make new sounds. Use your mind. Use your creativity. [BLEEP!] M Hello my name's Scott, aka Bucket Boy. I just got back from playing a few shows in London and on the return trip, I got bumped up to first class and I was sitting three rows behind George Wendt from the show Cheers! You know, the guy who played Norm?! And the whole trip I felt like screaming out NORM but I didn't do that because I was too shy. So I just want to say that I feel really, really cool and thanks for reading. [BLEEP!] M This is not a rant, this is a suggestion. It's for Tony 2000 from NDG. Anthony, if you or your brother, Discord Dave, are reading this, you guys need to have a REUNION TOUR. Call your SCUM friends up and have a scummy reunion tour. For sure. [BLEEP!] M What happened to Foufounes? We used to see punks and all this kind of shit. All you see know is BAGGY PANTS. I want to listen to some good rock, some good heavy metal, some good punk. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against skaters, man. It's just that I want my fucking Foufs back--I have no other place to go. And I don't want to hear any more fucking swing, trance, dance and techno. [BLEEP!] M (singing) Put your braces on, stomp those boots/Shake your head but know your roots/Dance the reggae 'til the sun comes up/Drink your beer and never give up/We aren't the mods, we aren't the punks/We don't do drugs, forget that junk/We drink, we fight 'til the new day comes/'Cuz one day when our youth is gone/We'll look back and smile for sure/'Cuz skins will live forever more. Heh, heh, heh. [BLEEP!] F This is a rant for all those nasty fucking little aliens with their skinny little bodies and their big bug eyes who like to come through my window at night and PROBE me. I want to know how many other people out there in Montreal have been probed by these motherfuckers. [BLEEP!] F I think it's really too bad that that guy is offended by women who wear BINDIS. I, for one, made sure to find out as much as I could about the tradition and its symbolism before I decided to start wearing them. And I also asked my friends of Indian descent whether or not they find it offensive and they don't. Most of the women I know who wear bindis are mature, open-minded and extremely eager to learn about and appreciate different cultures regardless of their own background. So if that makes us disrespectful and stupid, then I think it is he who has the problem. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, I'm calling about the Wayne Gretzky. What's up with that guy there? He's a gazillionaire and he's on every damned fucking commercial you can think of from Tylenol to Ultramar to Folger's coffee to every fucking marketable product on the face of this earth. It's time for him to go away. He's an old pathetic ARTHRITIC has-been. [BLEEP!] M My girlfriend is NOT pregnant. Thank you, sweet Jesus! [BLEEP!] M To the person who was talking about Coca Cola in universities. Well, if it's a free market just tell me why such companies want to have a monopoly on campuses. Having one company in one market isn't really what I'd call free. Bye. [BLEEP!] F Yeah, do you ladies want to get your man's mojo running? I have two words. If he has a leg fetish, this is the thing: TOE SOCKS. Multi-coloured toe socks. You can buy them in little accessory stores. They're kind of like woolly knee socks but with toes that are kind of like gloves for your feet. Drives my man nuts. Fucking A, man. [BLEEP!] M You know, I'm watching TV really stoned and tae bo comes on. And I don't want to work out, but just watching it I'm sure I lost five pounds in the last three days. Tae bo, man, is really tiring to watch. You really get your muscles into it sitting on the couch, man. I pull a sweat. I go and have some juice. And then I'm drenched and I'm dehydrated. Once I took a 45-minute tae bo couch lesson, forget about it, man. I couldn't even roll my joint at the end. I mean, tae bo rules. It'll really, really get your heart rate going. [BLEEP!]
F My cat Cosmo weighs 24 pounds and I just wanna know if there's any other cat in Montreal that's fatter than him. [BLEEP!]
Next week: The search for the city's fattest cat!. |