Shallow thinking

>> T-Boz's deep Thoughts is full of preachy poetry

by JULIET WATERS

According to video auteur and Gap commercial maker Hype Williams, "Tionne Watkins is a visionary. Over the years I have watched her become one of the most popular icons in music history... Her written work is inspiring, and should be read by all those looking for the positive in life." Praise echoed and amplified by producer Tracey Trench: "Like Zora Neale Hurston in the Harlem Renaissance, Tionne is brilliant, beautiful and ahead of her time."

Well, sorry for sounding as clichéd and unoriginal as Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins in her book of poetry Thoughts, but don't believe the hype. There isn't a single line in Thoughts that merits the adjective "visionary." And frankly, only an idiot could compare Hurston with a 29-year-old--going on 12--pop star who writes verses like "racism is real/a touchy subject/i must admit/so as much as i can/i stay away from that shit."

As for ahead of her time: okay, I'll give her the moon boots she wears as a member of the mega-selling girl group, TLC. But the same can't be said for her pro-life politics. As she explains in one of the notes to her poems (as if any of these transparent ruminations needs an explanation) "abortion is a very touchy subject. I just feel it should be called what it is." Ergo the poem "It's Murder" and its final lines, "how can you say an embryo and fetus are nothing/you're just making an excuse/because you know you're killing something!"

Would that she'd stay away from that shit too, given the scary percentage of T-Boz's fans who are barely out of puberty and may very well be facing an unwanted pregnancy at some point in their teen years. "It's just an opinion!" chirps Tionne in her notes. Fair enough, if Tionne were just your average simple-minded zealot. But she's very aware of the influence she yields.

As she writes in one of her essays: "If [kids] don't have strong role models at home, they'll be looking at the television or listening to the radio for that wisdom. I try to be sensitive to that, and I wish that every celebrity would realize he has followers--that he's in a position to help mold and influence young people. Everyone's looking for something to believe in and I hope they want to make it positive. But if you're getting people to believe in killing chickens; or if you're walking around with your butt hanging out, wearing titties as a man, with red demon eyes and hair like a girl--you're exposing kids to some weird stuff."

Apart from the awkward homophobia in T-Boz's description of Marilyn Manson, it's safe to say that teenagers won't be exposed to any "weird stuff" in Thoughts. Just stupid stuff, lame stuff, irritating stuff and plain ol' wrong stuff.

I only made it through Thoughts propelled by the hope that it might occasionally turn into something like "Deep Thoughts," Saturday Night Live's satire of positive thinking. Given all the sunsets and daisies sandwiched in between pictures of T-Boz in all her fashion victim splendour, the book holds out the constant promise of unintentional self-parody. But the closest it ever really gets is a moment on the companion CD during T-Boz's reading of "Weight" ("loss of weight/should be done for oneself/being anorexic or bulimic/is not good for your health") when a black male background vocalist suddenly starts warbling, "Wei-ei-ei-ei-ght... Talkin' about wei-ei-ei-ei-ei-ei-ght."

If it were this funny anywhere else, the book might be worth it. But Watkins manages to take every issue affecting young women today and turn it into something tedious and trite. Frankly, if I were the parent of teenagers, and T-Boz and Marilyn Manson were the only pop icons left on the planet, I'd rather expose them to the guy with the titties.

Thoughts by Tionne Watkins, Harper Collins, hc, 148pp, $29.95