So-Cal goes lo-cal

>> A trio of Fat Wreck bands offer inch-pinchin' tips

By RUPERT BOTTENBERG

There was a time when eyesore factor was a bonus for a punk rock band. Frightwig hair and corrupted complexions were good things, as was spectacular girth (just ask Poison Idea). These days, though, punk bands are competing with N-Sync and Boyzone for those precious schoolgirl ducats. Hence, they have to figure their figures into the equation.

So how does a band of the ilk not known for sensible, healthy behaviour keep their spare tires under control? Let's ask some of the Fat Wreck Chords gang, in town this weekend at the Spectrum. If anyone should know, it's people obliged to "do lunch" chez NOFX's Fat Mike--without cracking up.

No Use For a Name:
"Touring is a really easy way to gain weight. With all the beers they put backstage, the late-night truck stop snacking and the random boxes of almond rocca, it's almost impossible to keep the figure trim. We have all come up with ways to keep our 'image conscious' band in check. Since we are going for a boy band vibe, we need to make sure that every diet is the right one. Here's some plans, tips and pointers, if you will, from the sexiest band alive.

One, carbs are out. That stuff is useless. No carrots, no potatoes. Two, Diet Coke. Better for you than regular Coke, but it will make you shake and do the Fish when you're only 40 years old. Three... try cocaine and cigarettes."

Mad Caddies:
"Our weight-loss plan consists of the following: one, repeated consumption of large amounts of hard alcohol. Beer is good, but then you get the dreaded beer belly effect. Two, lots of jumping around with instrument in hand. If you don't have an instrument, a silly dance step nobody can duplicate will suffice. Three, BBQ. All great athletes need their nourishment, because man can't live by alcohol alone (though we're willing to give it a try!). But let's face it, who really wants to lose weight? After all, we're all perfectly happy being FAT!"

Consumed:
"Hey, we Brits abide by a strict binge-and-purge diet, at least when hanging out with ex-members of the Queen's royal subjects. It is difficult staying trim on a strict diet of Guinness, where all essential nutrients and vitamins can be found. But we are all rather tall, and hence can keep a thin appearance." :

At the Spectrum on Monday, February 21 (the Saturday night show is sold out), 8pm, $15, all ages