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Sasha's Sex Survey: Results
Final answers? (Part II)
9. If you could change one thing in your sexual past, what would it be?
Remember more names and forget more morning-afters.
Lose my virginity in a better situation and with a better guy.
I should have started with goats much earlier. I missed out so much.
I might be a happier person today if I had lost it with the man I loved.
I would prefer to be a girl!
I would want to have the choice of either a penis or a vagina.
To have always used a condom with partners, as STDs followed unknowingly.
To have not fucked half of the losers I let into my bed!
My ex-wife's attitude in bed. I thought I had married a woman... not a piece of wood. But whenever there was money available she was drooling and getting real wet--for that I can get a hooker for cheaper downtown and get a lot more fun out of it also.
I would have had more, that is, been more aggressive in my conquests or more receptive to interesting advances.
I wouldn't have had sex with that one, pudgy, addicted-to-drugs-intelligence-of-a-monkey-wrench-two-inch-penis-piece-of-crap Paul. What was I thinking?
Never to have slept with Talamasca's Chriss Lee.
Being molested.
10. Are you married to someone of the opposite sex but are gay? What's your life like?
Gay? Or married? Me? Look, asshole, I can do it with anyone or anything I want any time, so why kill a good thing?
Married, yes; gay, no. My life is grand.
No, I'm not married, but I think maybe everyone is gay.
11. You wake up and you're the opposite sex. What are your first three priorities?
Stand up in front of the toilet to pee. Get the best BJ ever given. Find a girl to fuck who is just like I used to be the night before.
Sucer, baiser, cafe.
Buy a bra, masturbate, become a lesbian.
Scream for dear life at an unjust universe and pray for instant death, get to a doctor, buy tampons on special [Good luck! They barely ever are. --Sasha] at Jean-Coutu or Pharmaprix.
Buy lots of girl clothes without being so damn embarrassed about it, masturbate, invite about 20 guys over to fuck me in a giant gang bang!
Jerk off, flirt with chicks, then buy some wack clothes and go downtown.
Get the tightest clothes possible, get as much Oriental cocks as possible in all possible orifices, shave my newfound pussy.
Masturbate in bed to see how it feels, take a shower, get my girlfriend over and make a movie.
Masturbate, have lesbian sex, go to the gym and hang out in the girls' shower and locker room, then masturbate.
Play with my breasts, have lesbian sex, show women can be less bitter than some are now.
Check my breast [You'll probably have two. -- Sasha]. Do I have a yeast infection? Am I a virgin?
Spank that MONKEY, put on a pair of pants and sit with my legs wide open on a crowded bus and pee on everyone that pissed me off.
Play with my foreskin for 12 hours, go to a tavern and get shitfaced, then call my grandmother and say, "Guess what? Your dreams came true!"
To masturbate, to figure out how to use feminine hygiene products, and to get to work on time.
12. What is your grossest STD experience?
Warts... I still can't talk about it.
Just a bit of gonorrhea. What was gross was the injection of whatchamacallit I got afterwards.
I got an STD from a girl that I was living with. I was really sick and went to the doctor who ended up telling me what I had. It was a rough way to find out that she had been having an affair.
Non-specific urethritis. My schwang hurt and puss was oozing out of it.
I slept with this girl who had just gotten pregnant with another guy. She was in the first stages of pregnancy so her body was getting rid of "stuff" to make place for the baby in her body. I stuck my dick into her and suddenly I smelt a really offensive smell from under the blanket. She said to me, "Yeah, I know it smells." I lost my hard-on instantly and ran to the shower to wash the stink off. That was the last girl I ever slept with. [Babies are not an STD but this was pretty gross.-- Sasha]
Can't remember what it was called, but it smelled like a gerbil, had crawled inside of me and died.
She was drying off from our shower when a clump of "white gook" fell on her foot. Icky!
13. Does "size" matter to you?
Size of the penis, no. Size of the tongue, yes.
No, it is the quality of the person you are with. I find that guys who are big don't usually like to engage in foreplay for a long period of time.
The only thing I insist is that if something is going up my ass, it better be HUGE!!!
My lover has a four-inch dick and that doesn't make him a bad fucker.
Well, when my boyfriend asks, the answer is "No honey, you use it so well." But in reality: YES YES YES YES.
No, if a woman has a pretty face, average but not overweight body and is adventurous, no problem.
I'm well-endowed but it's not like that ever got me any dates. I am, however, happy that I'm not, like, genitally impaired.
Only when they don't know how to use anything else.
Only personality. Gotta have a big personality.
Size of what?
The size of a dildo? I have them in all sizes, honey! The body size of the person? I don't like them too skinny.
The best lover I've had measured maybe four inches and didn't make up for it in width, whereas the worst was more than double that size. That "it's what you do with it" saying is very true.
I'm a guy so I like the fact that I have a big dick... my size matters to me!
Very much so, and those who say they don't are either men with small penises or women whose men have small penises. A man can come no matter what... for us, actually feeling it in there sure helps. And I've never met a man with a large penis who didn't know how to use it.
14. If you have or want children, how and when would you educate them about sex?
I will try to be more open about all of it from the start and try to have answers for her when she has questions. I am a cool mom. Unlike my mother, I did not marry as a virgin, so I have a few more tricks up my sleeve.
Educate them early by talking openly, but not smuttily or guiltily, about the pleasures of the flesh.
I would buy a book that's educational and interesting, and above all, age appropriate. Sometimes children ask questions that ONLY NEED a simple explanation.
When I do have children, and after I fitted them with custom-made infra-red remote sensing chastity belts, I plan to simply toss them into the London Museum of Man during their next human sexuality exhibit... though I will join them too out of old times' sake.
I'd just keep an open mind, never chastising them for exploring themselves "down there" as little ones and always answering their questions honestly.
I have kids and I tell them straight what sex is. I have been telling them this since they have been old enough to ask questions about it. Don't forget, children do have sexual tendencies and they are curious, so when they ask questions you answer them truthfully.
I would educate them by telling them about all the options. I guess I would talk to them, but parent-child discussions are always a little icky, so I would probably try to find them other resources to consult. I would start very young--educating your five year old about sex does not have to be graphic, it can be really basic, more along the lines of love and relationships.
Let them learn on their own. It's funner that way.
15. The best and/or worst sex toy you've purchased. If it was the worst, did you try to return it?
The best was the computer--I can have access to all the exciting images known to mankind.
The Tongue. What the fuck was that?
Worst: jelly beads, there were no instructions, never tried to return it, but we asked how to use it.
The best was a vibrator that could be used with you having placed it inside of you and then your partner enters, so you both feel it.
The worst toy was a vibrator sleeve with tiny, hard plastic nubs. Despite copiously applied lubricant, this toy hurt when it was used. In fact, the sleeve probably caused microscopic tears near the urethral passage and vaginal entrance. These tears allowed bacteria to enter my bladder, resulting in a wicked case of cystitis.
The best toy: a medium buttplug which I often wear while biking. The worst: a ribbed dildo with a handle. Not very practical--it has to be inserted deep before the ribs start being effective. But I didn't return it--sometimes I play with it when I feel bold.
The beaver: a vibrator (dildo) with a thing for your ass and a little beaver tongue for the clit.
I have only purchased a vibrator for my spouse (it was probably more for me) and it is great fun. I love using it on her, and watching her use it. Or even her just telling me she used it while I was out drives me crazy--hours of fun.
Worst: penis enlarger. My mother found it in the toilet.
Clit butterfly: thumbs up. Medium-size butt plug: gave it to my friend, I hated it.
I bought a leather dildo that was stuffed with a heavy metal so it was thick and solid in the ass.
My ex-wife was the worst toy (sad to say) and her mother wouldn't take her back.
Lately it's been my leopard-print vibrator. The fact that I have matching shoes and vibrator fills me with indescribable joy.
The best was this leather strap-on/harness from Il Bolero--a little pricey but worth every penny.
I believe in make-shift sex toys. Handcuffs from an army surplus store, a very phallic bottle from the dollar store and some Vaseline. Yum!
Bought some strawberry-flavoured lubricant for my g/f one time... I returned it because it tasted like candle wax.
We bought liquid heat for our genitals but it got in her eye and on my lip. We had to soak with ice for the rest of the night. Also: smearable chocolate, but it went bad in the tube and we both got crotch pimples. Ugh! :
The Bonus Round
The most astonishing, embarrassing, ridiculous or hilarious Loss o' the Cherry story in 100 words or less.
This has Heinrich Boll written all over it. The desperation! The loneliness!
I was seduced by an older woman around puberty. I was kinda in heat at the time and an easy catch. A few hours later, still quite aroused, I took a walk out into the cold air into a cafe where some lonely woman picked me up and the rest was history.
Why it was negative? I certainly didn't care for the woman and I didn't find her attractive. I have no idea who she was. Being young, stupid and inexperienced, the whole act was unprotected (looking back 15 years now, I still can't believe I did that), which later scared the hell out of me for months afterwards (thank god I was given a clear bill of health later through years of blood tests). Now, when I think of my first time, instead of thinking of my first serious girlfriend or my first real love, all I have to remember is some unattractive woman in a cafe.
The plot smacks of every '80s film I've ever seen! Starring Anthony Michael Hall!
The older lady next door took it when I was 17. I was helping her with some painting around her house. It was summer and I was wearing shorts. She had a loose-fitting shirt and shorts (no bra). She bent over and I got a good look at them, and she knew it. "Like what you see?" she asked. I got really embarrassed, but she led me into the bedroom, took off all her clothes and told me to feel free to touch. WOW! Did I ever! My first orgasm was in her mouth while she blew me, and she liked it! Then I just lay down and she climbed on top and that was the first time I fucked a woman.
Ah the plight of the Irish. Will they ever have their peace?
I was trying to impress a couple of Yanks I had met at the Venus de Milo cafe on Ste-Catherine. We went on the St-Laurent Main for a lady of the evening. I found her. The price $5 for her and $2.50 for the room. I was afraid. Afraid to take off my pants. Then, before I knew, the dirty deed was done. She smiled and patted my head and said, "You must be young." To which I replied, "I'm 17-and-a-half." Not true. I was only 17. It was no big deal. Being partially of Irish origin I discovered that I preferred booze to women...
Falls into sex accidents but award winning, to say the least.
I bought a glow-in-the-dark cream for my little friend. Anyways I just wanted to make my girlfriend laugh, because it was mainly just a joke. So she's in bed, I'm in the washroom putting the cream on. I come out, it's shining like someone's high-beaming you on your rearview mirror. We both laughed, had sex and after an hour of fun, the pain started kicking in--the cream was burning my dick like a torch! I tried to rinse it out but it still burned. I tried everything to get rid of the burning sensation: ice, Vaseline (don't ask!) and any other over-the-counter stuff. Nothing really worked. So I went to a doctor who gave me this cream that helped, but even that shit burned. Finally, it went away in a few days. The moral of this story is, except for a rubber, don't put any shit on your dick.:
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