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Ladies and Gentlemen... Sex Survey 2000!!
Final answers?
By SASHA and YOU
(Part I)
1. Have you ever suggested something and had someone just freak out on you?
The top three answers were foursomes, peesomes and "don't even think about putting that in my ass." Here they are, and more.
I asked my ex-boyfriend to piss on me. He feigned shock, but I knew that secretly he was turned on and with a bit of prodding, he'd let his bladder unleash onto me. He was a bit freaked out afterwards, but I convinced him that we shared something extremely special and private. At the time, it strengthened our lovemaking and bond.
I had suggested to my wife the possibility of getting together with another couple. BIG MISTAKE! After the "what's a matter, I'm not enough?" speech, I told her I was only kidding (not) and just wanted to see her reaction.
I tried to stick my finger up a girl's ass once and she flipped. "Well I guess the dildo's outta the question then," I thought.
I often got to experience "rough" sex with my ex-boyfriend. He was more than happy to rough me up a little and use many four letter words to please me. But it wasn't enough. I wanted him to slap me around a little and when I asked him to, mid-coitus, he became angry and lost his mojo altogether.
Sexual intercourse in the Mont-Tremblant ski lift. It was the quickest quickie I have ever experienced. She flipped out when I had my hand between her legs just as we closed the ski lift door. Before you know it, we were in a standing doggy-style position. Having a couple (in the ski lift behind us) stare at us obviously enhanced and completed a successful quickie.
2. What has been, in your opinion, the most bizarre sexual request so far and did you comply? Outcome?
Talking as if I was an announcer at a baseball game. I partly complied. It worked.
My boyfriend asked me to get a pail full of earth and mix it with water, so that he could fuck mud... so he could then fuck me and compare. Of course, I agreed--the mud was COLD.
That guy who wanted me to piss while he was sucking my dick. Of course, I obliged and I just found it quite bizzare. Perhaps it was because another guy was giving me a rimjob at the same time.
To rent a station wagon, then pretend that I'm driving her home after she's babysat my kids.
To watch me have sex with a plastic blow-up doll while he jerked off. I thought this was really odd. I tried it--got to admit it was cool. Now he has one and so do I.
At a party, some guy asked me to piss in his ass. No, I did not comply.
My girlfriend consistently begged me to allow her to apply makeup to my face and I eventually complied. She was very excited. I was not.
To take care of an adult baby and Baby Phil has been a very naughty boy lately.
I was driving back from Toronto with my boyfriend, and I had purchased a new vibrator. He had never seen a girl use one and was very interested in watching me use it, so he asked me to do it in the car while we were on the highway. I did. He got so turned on that he pulled over onto the shoulder and we had great sex in the front seat while all the cars were going by.
To let someone lick my boots and call me Mistress. I complied but could hardly keep from laughing. I put an end to it quite quickly--I wasn't really getting anything out of it. Maybe my boots were.
The time I went home with this girl I met at a club. I was so horny that I really didn't mind her shit-hole of an apartment. But she wanted to have sex only if her dog was in the same bed. Not to join it, but just to be with us. It felt very uncomfortable having a boxer growl every time she would moan or scream. Scared that the dog would have torn off a piece of my ass, I came as fast as I could, zipped up, thanked her and got the hell out of there!
A girlfriend wanted me to shit in her mouth. Even though it was good timing, I don't think I could ever kiss her again if I had. I declined.
3. Worst sex injury?
Missed the hole, hit the wall, rug burns, head butts ("accidental"?), broken penises, bleeding vaginas. People, it's SEX for chrissake's, not the Thunderdome.
Rug burns. Hard to explain to your co-workers when it's on your forehead.
The time my boyfriend nearly got bobbitted when he dropped a live frog down my T-shirt while I was giving him a BJ.
My boyfriend and I had been having intercourse for about 30 minutes, and it wasn't possible for him to have an orgasm. The result was a swollen testicle (about the size of a grapefruit). His urologist told him not to force orgasm.
My partner was really into nude massages as a start to foreplay and wanted to try some new ointment (a liquid heat of sorts) to start up and relax. She was nude, and I was straddling her trying to open the bottle. The bottle suddenly burst open and the ointment went all over her... and quickly followed the curves of her body and then trickled, er, inside. When they state that the stuff should NEVER be used internally, I wonder if what I had to deal with (a really pissed off woman in agony and in an entirely different kind of heat) was ever thought of as a possibility.
Split my big toe open on a fold-out couch in a hotel room while trying to get some traction/leverage.
While having some pretty quick sex with my partner in my sister's room as she was taking a shower, my boyfriend picked me up and was attempting to place me on her dresser when all of a sudden I let out a yelp. Mr. Dumb Dumb didn't look at exactly where, or should I say what, he was placing me on top of. My sister had left her sizzling HOT curling iron on, and it and my butt made instant friends. I mean, I like pain, but sitting on a hot curling iron is another story.
My boyfriend's nail sliced my nipple. I didn't pay attention to doctoring it so it got infected. Ouch, it hurt for a while.
Popped my knee out of joint while we were going at it... had to stop to pop it back into place.
Not 911 worthy, but it's entirely possible that I swallowed one of this guy's cock rings during fellatio. We looked all over the bed for it but it was nowhere to be found. And no, I didn't check my plop the next day. He was like, "Ah, so what. That one got in the way of my jerking off anyway."
My boyfriend cut his balls while grooming and we didn't have sex for a week. He was afraid of getting an erection.
One night during passionate lovemaking (I mean real passionate) my bedpost broke (no big shit). Now that it was loose, however, it continuously hammered into my wall until the plaster began to crumble. In the end I wound up with a matching set of holes about three quarters of a foot big, and I could see into my neighbour's room. As a matter of fact I could see my neighbour. Need I say he wasn't too pleased, and he beat me good. That's not a sex-related injury, but I guess it's an injury related to sex.
4. What is the sexiest book you've ever read? Have you ever jerked off just reading something?
The Story of O.
The Best American Erotica, 1994.
Women on Top, a collection of wimmin's fantasies by Nancy Friday.
Roald Dahl's My Uncle Oswald when I was 12 years old. Not sure I jerked off while reading it, but certainly jerked off thinking about it.
I secretly jerked off while reading a Sasha column once... but I won't say which one!
The "Girls & Girls" and "Boys & Boys" sections of "Penthouse Letters" gave me plenty of inspiration to jerk off.
Smoking, Drinking & Screwing, a collection of short stories.
Imajica by Clive Barker. I'm not gay , but it was so sexily written it made me horny as hell.
A couple of times reading a Betty and Veronica double digest.
The Anne Rice vampire chronicles.
Madonna's Sex.
The "Song of Solomon" in the Bible.
These Mexican comics someone brought back for me. Kitty cat girls with big asses and fat dictators. Woohoo!
Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice.
Part of a series called The Family Album, written by Robert Jamison, this book deals with father-daughter incest. I found it in a second-hand bookstore and its title, "Daughter-Loving Daddies," made me groan and shudder with disgust. I just had to buy it. I figured I'd gross some company out, you know? But when I brought it home and read it, I became too aroused (and a little disgusted with myself). I masturbate with it all the time.
Anka Rakadovich's column in Details magazine... unfortunately, she's gone now.
My cousin's diary.
The Happy Hooker.
5. Who is the most famous person you've slept with and how were they in bed?
Just so we're clear on this, I said "the most famous person you've slept with." Not on, not beside. As I suspected, people (myself included) were reluctant to name names.
I know way too many people in Mtl who read the Mirror and I'd get in trouble if I responded to that one. But she was Francaise, fatter than I thought and really paranoid about diseases.
Mara Tremblay--she's taught me everything.
The industrial band Kevorkian Death Cycle and their roadie as well. Let's just say they are an amazing bunch of guys! (P.S. I am male.)
I once passed out at a party next to Jude Law but that doesn't really count. Does it? [I don't know. Does your anus hurt? --Sasha]
A girl named Natasha who is now a model in Le Chateau commercials
Kristy McNichol. Quite wild. Not like her TV personality. Could suck a golf ball through 40 feet of garden hose.
I don't want to name any names, but a famous "Friend" was in town this past summer. I'd love to say he was great, but the truth is he had a little trouble getting it up due to the amount of stuff he was putting up his nose.
A magazine model (Marie-Claire, Chatelaine)... She was a hot, steamy and wet bed partner.
I once made love to a famous (now washed up) Canadian starlet who I refuse to name! I recently had a crazy dream that I was molested by a certain Mirror cartoonist, none other than the legendary Rick Trembles. In the dream, his superstar girlfriend lured and drugged me unconscious with a Pepsi laced with chloryl hydrate. When I awoke, I found myself tied up and dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl, and Rick was molesting me while she videotaped the whole affair. I awoke feeling like a new man.
Michael Ashton from Gene Loves Jezebel. Amazing sex, very flattering and gentle.
6. Have you ever read or been given any sex advice that actually worked? What was it?
Well, I can see my job is done here.
I had a gay friend teach me how to give amazing blowjobs... still works wonders.
Not that I can think of, besides the usual lower, faster, harder, go down on me kind of thing!
I had read about how the space between the vagina and the anus was really sensitive. Turned out it was true; made her more receptive to anal sex.
Yep, sucking and licking a guy's balls.
Picked up a couple of good tricks from the Kama Sutra.
I read about tantric sex in a magazine article. One paragraph discussed the myth of the male "G" spot, saying the way to stimulate it was through the ass. So one night, after instructing my ex-boyfriend to take a good shower, I experimented. It's true: I've never heard a man moan like that or look so sexy in all my life.
To relax when I was having trouble reaching orgasm, and to picture myself in a happy place that had nothing to do with the person I was sleeping with!
To reduce hemorrhoids and keep a nice asshole: if constipated, instead of "pushing," which creates hemorrhoids, relax yourself and twist your torso from side to side and it will help you get it out without causing your hole to look like a red carnation.
No, I never did. I am a Scorpio, we don't need the advice.
When I was 19, I read the book The G Spot that told me that with practice and lots of masturbation, women could make themselves squirt up to 6 cups of liquid when they orgasm. So I practiced every night until I got it (about a month).
7. Did your parents teach you about sex? What was their approach?
The conversation with the bees and the birds and aunts.
One night, my parents went to bed earlier than usual. I went upstairs and noticed their bedroom light was on and that they were watching TV. I opened the door to say goodnight and to my surprise, they were doing it doggy-style on the bed. I just closed the door and said, "Oops!" The next morning, my mom comes up to me and says that "what you saw last night is totally natural and one day you'll do it too."
Nothing, beside finding pictures of them in compromising positions and learning what positions you could actually do.
Yes and no. My folks never directly taught me about sex. Back in the late '70s and early '80s, my dad would insist that I watch Benny Hill with him at all times to learn about the innuendoes (I developed a strange sense of humour after that). But I never really learned the actual mechanics of the whole act until I was 13 when they tossed me into the London Museum of Man (England) where there just happened to have a human sexuality exposition involving all kinds of 3D MODELS. It was a bit of a shocker from my original innocent school choirboy self.
My mother offered me condoms when I was 12. My father said that if he found out I was dating anyone over 18, he would get them arrested.
Yup. When I was a kid, if I was nice, I was allowed to read Playboy, Penthouse and Hara-Kiri. And, indeed, in the two first cases, the articles are more interesting.
Nope. They even gave me shit when they found my porno collection.
No, thank god, their sex life seems so boring. Not that I want to know.
I found naked Polaroids of my mother in my dad's wallet. My parents had a very healthy sex life.
My mother was open to answering any questions I had through the course of my sexual exploration, which was mainly from books. She explained what "coming" meant when I read Forever by Judy Blume--"Mom? Come where? It just says that he came and then the sentence ends."
Their approach was to leave a copy of Where Do I Come From? lying around the house and frightening the hell out of me with graphic naked cartoons of big fat mommies with huge bright red nipples and very hairy scary daddies doing it in the bathtub.
They gave me pamphlets and told me where the pads were kept and that was that.
When they offered advice I already knew everything.
Book thrown on the bed. Strict European Mom: Any questions? Had-Enough-Spankings-Kid: Nope.
It was such a struggle because they were Jehovah's Witnesses.
8. Was your first experience positive, negative or somewhere in between? Why?
The first guy I slept with rushed up to me in a club years later and said, "If I ever read about me in your column, I'll sue!" To which I replied, "Oh honey, it wasn't that good."
I don't know 'cause I was dead drunk at prom.
Pretty negative. The guy was looking at his Hustler magazine all the time so he could see how to do it. I eventually screwed the magazine, and that's less fun than a guy.
First experience was with a man and positive. We jerked each other off and it was fun (although nobody came and I was too young).
Amazing. We both were virgins. We both were in love.
It was okay, I've always wanted to suck cock since I was eight and, five years later, I was fulfilled.
My first sexual partner was a very good friend of mine. I was 16 at the time, and he wanted to have sex with me because we were so close, and he actually wanted to find out if he was gay. Well, maybe I wasn't that good, it turned out he lived a GAY life. But 30 years later, he is still my best friend.
Negative. I was 16 (still a virgin), went to a party, got drugged, four months later found out I was pregnant. My daughter is now 3-1/2 --turned out to be the best thing in my life.
First time blowjob, I swear I lost a good pound of flesh as sparks were flying off my erection due to intense teeth involvement.
I could not get it up. Too nervous. I jerked off afterwards, and caught the ceiling with my cum shot... really.
I didn't know the man, so there was no intimacy. He didn't even believe me when I said it was my first time. It was exciting for the same reasons and I was too drunk to give a fuck anyway.
My first experience was a joke. I told the world's biggest mama's boy that I'd give him a blowjob and to meet me at recess, but he was too scared. Anyway, at lunch that same day he approached me and for the entire five highschool years we stayed together.
Negative: I am gay but in high school I was in the closet and didn't really sleep with many guys. In order to stay cool and lose my virginity, I slept with a girl just after my 16th birthday. I hated it. I slept with a few girls afterwards but I just could never get to like the hairy box.
It wasn't bad, but the guy wrecked it by telling me afterwards that I would be perfect if I lost a few pounds. Thank god I went to England three weeks later where they like big babes. But I still had sex in the dark for the next five years.
Somewhere in between. I was 14 and it was with another girl. We had just watched a movie on Bleu Nuit where two girls were kissing and then some guy fucked them both. So then we started kissing but we did not know what to do next. Today I know!
Watching television when I was five, I became aroused and learned to orgasm by playing with myself. Losing my virginity, on the other hand, was something I vowed not to do until I loved someone. It happened when I was 17, in a hotel room filled with candles and MuchMusic on. Very cheezy, but definitely worth it.
Very positive because it was in someone's bedroom with the biggest slut in my grade at some football party in the West Island back in 1987. Everybody found out about it in school on Monday so I was a SUPERSTAR for a week.
The only thing that made my first experience negative was it took two years to get any more. OUCH!
---> to Part II
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