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This week: Social Darwinism, vegan bullies, waxed grundles!
Plus: Mr. Farhat!!
"edited" by AL SOUTH M I'm SICK of these vegan straightedge kids running around like they own this city. Man, I went to see Earth Crisis because I wanted to see the Cro-Mags, and there were 25 of these guys and they were swinging their arms and I kept on getting hit. You know, veganism is so 1999, you guys better learn. [BLEEP!] F Hi, this is to that guy who hates ska, especially the horn players in ska bands. Well, I play the TROMBONE in a band and let's see if he can do any better. [BLEEP!] F Aw, c'mon fella, leave ska alone. Ska is cool and you are not. Go to hell, ya creep! [BLEEP!] F I'm calling to tell everyone that they have to come to Polyvalence. It's a party for bisexuals and it's happening on Friday, February 11 at the Fetish Funhouse and Cabaret. It's really fun--it's kind of like an old Lezard atmosphere. So for people who miss those days when you could show up in a three-piece suit or as a punk rocker, now's your chance to relive them. And the rumour is there's going to be lots of FULL PLAY, so I hope we see all of those glorious, glamourous bisexuals and their friends. Bye. [BLEEP!] F Are you familiar with the word BUMS? You should be. They're everywhere, in every metro station, begging for your change through their rotted teeth, holding a hat in one hand and a brown paper bag in the other. I just give them a bad look when I see one approach me. I mean, with all the jobs available, everyone can earn a living in this country. In my opinion, anyone who'll accept this should be left in the wild. Then he would at least have to get his food or he would die. It's the way of NATURE, only the fit survive. By giving these people money, we've allowed them to become social pests. I'm asking you to stop and think before you dig in your pockets for change, thinking that you're doing something good to humanity. 'Coz you're not! If we stop giving bums money, they'll realize that life is not free and if they don't make it, well, tough shit. [BLEEP!] F Can't we all just get along? [BLEEP!] M I'm calling from a cell phone. Cell phones suck! [BLEEP!] M Hi Rant Line. This actually isn't a rant, this is props going out to MR. FARHAT the OBSTETRICIAN. He's got ads for glasses and uses actors and actresses who are not models, but in fact look like your everyday ugly housewife and ugly businessman. I think it's kind of cool to see on TV. Thanks. [BLEEP!] M Yes, good evening. I am a 39-year-old Montreal-born person and I've smoked dope every day for 25 years. I've also dropped acid easily over 5000 times. And I've been on coke for 15 years, ending up on freebase. But I've quit the coke. I'm also an alcoholic. But now I just drop acid, smoke a lot of good pot and drink. My question is--am I insane or am I normal? Thank you very much. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, my name is Steve and I was calling about the guy who was having a problem keeping his puppy off his leg. The best way to have your dog stop humping your leg is to pick him up and give him a blowjob. Ciao. [BLEEP!] F In response to the girl who was offended by talk of clits and nipples--if you find such frank and open discussion about our human anatomy so offensive, go join a NUNNERY. Or maybe we should have a Rant Line devoted to a frank discussion of butterflies and kitty cats, if it would make you feel less disgusted. [BLEEP!] F I'm calling about the brown nipple thing. Not only do brown nipples rule, they are the rules. From Kujuuac to Mexico to Morocco to Hawaii to the Philippines, this is a brown nipple planet. And in fact they're like chocolate--the darker, the better. [BEEP!] F Hi, I'm calling about this whole pink or brown nipple colour debate. The thing is, I can't really tell which colour mine are. Maybe it's because I'm mulatto, but to me they are sort of like a combination of pink and brown. The closest way I can come to describing them is they're sort of salmon coloured, you know, coral-pinky-brown. So I want to know how people feel about pinky brown nipples--is that like the best of both worlds or what? [BLEEP!] F Hi, never mind chest hair. I'd like to say that guys who wax their GRUNDLES are not very cool. And if you don't know what a grundle is, it's the place between the sack and the asshole. Bye. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, I work at Copie 2000 and I just caught my fellow employee trying to take colour Xerox copies of his genital area. I need help. Should I tell my supervisor or should I just leave him to do what he does and let him have his little fetishes? I'm afraid of what could happen! [BLEEP!]
Next week: Frank discussion of butterflies and kitty cats. |