Sex and the single Smuggler

>> Straight answers on sex from Canada's favourite discount Casanovas

By RUPERT BOTTENBERG

Why is it that sex 'n' romance advice columns are always written by women (take the Mirror's Sasha) or gay men (Savage Love, to wit)? It's time the hoary, heterosexual male had his say on the matter. With that in mind, we've asked members of Vancouver's prurient party machine the Smugglers (on their way to town to pimp their new long-player Rosie) to put their thinkin' galoshes on and solve a few poignant riddles of the heart.

Dear Smugglers "I'm a healthy, outgoing guy in my mid-20s. The thing is this: I was sitting with some pals, drinking beers, and our conversation drifted to Gilligan's Island. My buddies were arguing the relative merits of Ginger and Mary-Anne, but they were shocked and disgusted when I admitted I'd always preferred Mrs. Howell. Is there something wrong with me?" -Thirstin' for Lovey

As the Howells were the only castaways with a seemingly endless supply of booze to fuel their bamboo cocktail containers, I'd say ol' Mrs. Howell is pretty much a lush and therefore probably pretty easy, which is kind of a turn on. So no, TFL, there's nothing wrong with you. The next time you're in the shower for a three minute cruise, whip out your SS Minnow and think of the "golden" island girl, and think of me, too. That'd be real swell, "lil' buddy." -Grant, voice

Dear Smugglers "My boyfriend and I have a normal, heterosexual relationship. Recently, however, he's taken to wearing billowy pirate blouses and lace-up jodhpur pants, and buying Cirque de Soleil CDs. Jocks on the street are always calling him 'fag.' The sex is as magical and poetic as ever, but do you think my boyfriend is keeping a swishy secret from me?" -Frowning on Clowns

Magical, poetic sex? Time to turn that clown upside-down and show him the cruel end of the cotton candy stick. -David, guitar

Dear Smugglers "I can't get a boner unless I'm wearing a Batman costume. What's up with that, eh?" -the Masked Masturbator

We've all had boners in strange outfits, TMM. Take me for instance... let's just say you'll never catch me in track pants, speedos, mini skirts, labcoats, kilts, short shorts, bathrobes, trenchcoats, flowery summer dresses, hospital gowns, moo-moos, togas, or Robin the Boy Wonder costumes EVER again. But hey, our bassist Beez once popped a boner while playing on stage with a band called the Mummies. True to form, Beez was dressed in mere bandages, and when one audience member whipped her top off, Beez sprung a stage stiffy that ripped right through his mummy wear in front of 500 people. So holy hard cock, Batman, don't be a Mr. Freeze! Get suited up, find the batcave on your Cat Woman and make her howl! -Grant, voice

Dear Smugglers "I'm a strong, proud, no-nonsense lesbian with a gorgeous girlfriend and a definite preference for tacos over hot dogs. Secretly, though, I harbour fantasies of rough, submissive sex with beloved character actor Ernest Borgnine. I'm so ashamed, I can't even tell my lover. How can I drive this hairy-knuckled sex demon from my subconscious?" -Importance of Doing Ernest

Just because your Taco Bell isn't ringing 24-7 for your "gorgeous girlfriend" isn't anything to worry about. A hot dog served up by Ernest is something many people, male and female, I'm sure, have secretly or overtly been hungry for. My recommendation for you is something this Smuggler witnessed at young enough age to fix me good for life: the made for TV movie "Meteor." Find it, watch it, and focus on the excessive nose hair put forth by our man Ernest. Put it on pause for a while if you need to. It turned me off but good. -Nick, drums

Dear Smugglers "I have records by only three artists in my CD collection: Burl Ives, Zamfir and some unpronounceable Mongolian throat singer guys. Which is most suitable for getting ladies 'in the mood,' so to speak?" -Stumpy McGee

Stumpy, you obviously do not need any music to get the ladies in the mood. Did you know that 83% of Cosmo readers have sexual fantasies that they have not acted out, but want to? Did you know that amputee sex is in fact the number one fantasy among women over 35? Throw out all of the records... and hold that stump high! -Beez, bass :

With Flashlight and Orange Fix at Jailhouse Rock on Friday, February 11, 9pm, $10