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This week: Else eulogized, ska wiggers, chest stubble!
Plus: Mack Mackenzie declared bicoastal!!
"edited" by AL SOUTH F This is a rant on behalf of Else Christiansen, who died January 28 in a fire in her house on Hotel de Ville. First of all, whoever gave the information to the cops or the Gazette claiming she was in a wheelchair and recently moved here from Toronto, you're wrong. Else had been living in Montreal for many, many years and had travelled various countries and places around the world. Originally, she was from Norway. She was one of the biggest hearts and best people ever to grace the Plateau. Also, she was not in a wheelchair but was forced to stay in bed due to illness. Your true friends know and will always love you, the Norwegian goddess Else. [BLEEP!] M This is to answer that question about Mack Mackenzie. Mack Mackenzie is in Vancouver doing some gigs and living there. He was in Montreal recently doing gigs at the Barfly, but now he's back in Vancouver. You can find him at "mackmackenzie.com." That's it. Ciao. [BLEEP!] F I heard that Mack Mackenzie has left Montreal to go be a SHAMAN at a MicMac reservation in New Brunswick. I don't know if it's true or not, but he has always been a very mystical person. So I think it probably is. [BLEEP!] M I hate ska. I HATE SKA. I hate the Montreal music scene because it has ska bands and ska bands are monotonous. It's all the same crap and they're all stupid fucking brats. They think they've got HORN sections that can play, but they just fucking learned how in their stupid high school band. They all sound out of tune and they're just a bunch of WIGGERS. I'm glad that the ska scene is a dying scene in this fucking pathetic city. So fuck you. I hate everybody. I hate everything. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!] M Hey I'm pissed. Who took away those two dancers at Foufounes on Thursday night? I need my visual candy sexual duo. I mean that dude and that girl, they're too awesome and they're too great. C'mon, Foufounes, put them back on. [BLEEP!] F My roommate and I would like to rant about men that insist on shaving their chests. What's up with that? I mean, hair is nice and warm, but STUBBLE is another issue altogether. On your face, stubble is okay, but all over your body is just weird. Stubble. Why? [BLEEP!] M Pink, pink, pink, pink, pink fucking pink pink pink fucking pink pink nipples. Thank you. [BLEEP!] M Brown nipples rule. Pink nipples don't rule. I vote for brown nipples. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, I'm calling about that girl who says she has brown nipples and if men prefer brown nipples. Well, let's just say I'm like a DOUBTING THOMAS and let's just say that I gotta see, touch and feel and then I'll let you know. Ciao. [BLEEP!] M Brown nipples are the way to go on girls but I like pink ones on the TUBBY young boys who I see at the swimming pool. [BLEEP!] M Brown nipples win hands down, man. Pink nipples, I don't know, they look like candy or, like, some kid's nipples or something. I'm out. Peace. [BLEEP!] FAXRANT Dear Nippleman: two words. Hot wax and your scrotum. [BEEP!] F Hi, is suddenly decency and respect lost on all of you? Do we have to be talking about clits, penises and orgasms every single time we call the Rant Line even to get our message printed? Why does everything have to be so crude and VULGAR? I'm sick of it! What do we gain by it? What is this world coming to? [BLEEP!] M Okay, so it's my birthday and I'm very drunk and all I have to say is--I have never had a human lover. [BLEEP!] M Please somebody! My horny PUPPY is raping me. He keeps jumping on my leg and wrapping his paws around it and he won't let go. Help! [BLEEP!] M Yeah, I have a fucking rant. It's Monday night and my fucking girlfriend is watching this stupid, bullshit, garbage fucking Dawson Creek show. This guy's like a fucking girl and all I want to know is there anybody else in the whole fucking world who thinks this Dawson guy ought to be BITCHSLAPPED? [BLEEP!] F Okay, my friend and I noticed this trend where guys who masturbate by, like, rubbing against their beds--instead of the normal way--don't get off on blowjobs and handjobs. And I personally think that this theory carries some scientific weight. Unless anybody out there can prove that it's wrong, all I can say is that you BEDHUMPERS out there are really missing out on a good time. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]
Next week: Open forum |