The Rex of Romance

>> What kind of name is Engelbert Humperdinck, anyway?

By ADAM GOLLNER

 One of the highlights of pre-dawn television as a kid (beyond hoping that your name would be picked on Romper Room) was giggling madly to advertisements for Engelbert Humperdinck's Greatest Hits 8-tracks. Although the ads were presumably targeted towards the sleepless-housewife demographic, my brothers and I would get all goosey and shriek "Hump her dink! Hump her dink!" and tickle each other and eat milk-bones and stuff.

 These days, the name recalls the spontaneous whimsy of an erstwhile sexual era. What better metaphor for the absurdity of the star-studded '70s than Lord Engelbert Humperdinck's monumental monicker? It conjures up visions of liqueur cabinets, sepia-tinged aviator shades and bellbottom-clad pumping action. Mustachioed lotharios grunting heady and meaningless lovetalk in rundown casinos. Pink silk and voluminous chest hair. Thick honey being poured luxuriously over a velour chesterfield. The delicious tang of hot wax dripping on a bare, nubile torso. The flow of sultry images is neverending...

 Also neverending are the bizarre factoids associated with ol' Humpy. Sure, we all know that the geezmeister, eyes fixed firmly on the youth market's back pocket, recently released a hi-NRG dance album. But did you know that his recent comeback effort was jumpstarted with an appearance on the Beavis and Butthead soundtrack (singing a track entitled "Lesbian Seagull")? Or that he lives in Jayne Mansfield's former Pink Palace, where floor-to-ceiling and wall-to-wall rose-colored shag carpeting is de rigeur?

 "Ah, my Hollywood haven," sighs the Hump. "Heart-shaped pool, lion's den, fountains, cherubs scattered playfully around the garden, a huge statue of Jesus looking over the pool area. Pieces of Jayne are everywhere. The fireplace has 'My love for you forever, Mickey' written above it. We just had the palm trees trimmed. All 110 of them."

 Bump goes the Humpster
 Born Arnold Dorsey (hardly original for a star of his calibre), finding a striking stage name was essential. "We tossed around several tongue twisters for names. One was Sher Kahn (the tiger) but the stage outfits would have been too much to take--sort of a cross between Elvis, Siegfried & Roy and Liberace."

 Settling on the actual name of the 19th-century Austrian composer of Hansel and Gretel, a legacy of goobledygook was born. "Ed Sullivan introduced me as 'Let's hump it for Engelbert Hearadinck,'" he says. Although traditionally marketed as "the King of Romance," Engelbert has a host of other dubious sobriquets. The Man With a Million Names' press kit refers to him, among other things, as Hump, the Humpster and the Rex of Romance.

 "A lot of people call me 'Big Dog,' which is a nickname I got on the golf course," says Sir Humpalot. "I even have it on my answering service--I tell people to leave a message and I'll bark right back at them. My housekeeper of 20 years calls me Mr. Humpy. My Jewish friends call me Engeh and my Japanese friends call me Engie Chan."

 Mondo Quando
 Before achieving fame as a erogenous-zone-targeting crooner, the Dinck made a living doing impersonations (he still spices up his current performance with a dash of flagrantly theatrical mimicry). "My jokes are 20 minute productions with lots of characters. Some of them are such classics that the audience loves to participate. Just ask a fan about the old lady and the stick, or the French couple and the two doooogs, and see what happens."

 The Humpster also claims responsibility for inventing the sideburn. "Elvis said to me, 'If it looks good on you, it'll look great on me.' Who could say no to the King?" Although his press machine claims that he also made "flamboyant leather jumpsuits famous," in actuality, he gives his "good friend" Evel Knievel credit.

 Although dance music appears to be a brand new bag for the Rex, it has always been a secret part of his repertoire. "I dabbled in disco," he reveals, "but don't hold it against me." These days, his top britch-bustin' move is something he calls the Quando Turn. "I'd have to show you. I'm a great jive dancer. My wife and I met that way and I've been throwing her over my shoulder for over 40 years.

 "You know, I had a great time doing this album. Big Dog groovin' in the house!" :

 

At Place des Arts on Sunday, February 6, $32.50-52.50+taxes