Great White North trash

>> Does Dr. Verne have anything to teach Canadians about being trash?

by JULIET WATERS

One important thing you'll learn in Dr. Verne's Northern White Trash Etiquette is the difference between Northern and Southern white trash.

 "See, most white trash self-help is geared for them Southerners, who's the lesser of the white trash species. They need basic self-help, like how to operate a can opener or ways to make their 11-year-old cousin unpregnant. The Northern Trash is more refined. We got union jobs and don't sleep with immediate family. We can hold our liquor and hardly ever shoot each other unless it's important. We need more sophisticated advice. Like tips on scamming bookies or who we should kidnap if we're aiming to impress a woman."

 The P.R. that came with the book claims Dr. Verne's White Trash Etiquette started as a newspaper column in Minneapolis in 1986. But in his foreword, Edstrom claims that it started in Des Moines at the "sissy" alternative weekly Cityview. Whatever the case, Dr. Verne's respect for Canada is subtle but evident: hockey is clearly the white trash sport of choice.

 "Nothing better than toothless guys trying to filet each other with unsharpened lumber. The only problem is you can't pronounce their names, on account of half of 'em got drunk and spent their vowels on hookers and tattoos." But even a mispronunciation of their name can come in handy. Should you find yourself stuck at a high cultural event with nothing to say, Dr. Verne suggests something like, "I find a disturbing sense of gaetan duschene in her work."

 When one letter writer complains that hockey can't be all that great because it's dominated by "pussy foreigners like French Canadians," Verne counters with "for your info, Canadia [sic] is the Mecca of the Northern White trash. Hell... wouldn't you wanna live where the government pays you to eat donuts, shoot caribou and pass out on the highway?"

 But only on the associated Web site (http://homestead.com/drverne) does Dr. Verne clarify the relationship between Canadian and American white trash. When Judi from Iowa complains of problems with her "elite" white trash Canadian in-laws, he writes:

 "Canadia trash is superior to us American trash. Truth be told, they got a way better country than us. They got classy restaurants that serve donuts for supper and put gravy on their french fries... Canadias also got a lotta other decent stuff, like snowmobiles and whiskey and them big fur hats they probably stole from some Russian army guys. Their cops wear Santa Claus uniforms and it just so happens to be the homeland of hockey, our people's sacred religion. Which means it's like the Northern Trash Jerusalem. Which is why bad-mouthing 'em is one of them blasphemies. Which is why I probably wouldn't go outside no time soon, on account of God might zap your ass with a lightning bolt for talking that bad smack."

 This isn't to say that "Canadias" are perfect. "They do got some funny looking money, seeing as how it got a picture of the Queen, which is this lady from England who mooches off the government, on account of she ain't got the pride to run herself a decent back injury scam. But that's the only downside I figure them Canadias got."

 Dr. Verne's advice is charming and practical, and may turn even the ugliest trash into Steve Buscemi. But given that Canadians are the greater of the white trash species, why would we need it? :

 

Dr. Verne's Northern White Trash Etiquette by Dr. Verne Edstrom, Esq., toExcel, pb, 180pp, $15.95