The Newf is out there

>> The Canadian conspiracy of the century

By JOHNSON CUMMINS

 We've all heard of the tradition of kissing of the cod and becoming an honourary Newfie. Insiders, however, have leaked that this is all just for show, to limit immigration to the secret utopia known as Newfoundland. I placed a "friendly" call (which I secretly tape-recorded) to Fur Packed Action's bassist Smug Bastard, to find out what exactly does go down up there. As you will sure agree, what follows is some of the most illuminating journalism since those two hacks at the Washington Post brought Watergate down on Nixon.

 Mirror: (lying) I have privileged information that this "screeching in" thing is bullshit. So what really comes with being a fullblown Newf?

 Smug Bastard: Okay, so you know the fish-kissing/oath thing is bogus. Then you probably know that when legitimately screeched in, one assumes full NFLDer status, and is accordingly eligible for the myriad of wonderful benefits associated with it. The unlimited transfer payments which, when filtered through our Masonic underground connections and offshore accounts around the world, pay back one-hundred fold. This is why NFLDers never have to work, yet there is no poverty.

 Eighty per cent of this cash is divided equally amongst all holding NFLDer status. The other 20 per cent goes to maintaining our mandatory military service, which protects our lifestyle. During the two-year mandatory military service, NFLDers learn basic survival skills, such as how to speak as non-grammatically correct as possible, yet still be understood in other English-speaking provinces.

 Upon completion of their military service, NFLDers are sent across the country to work for varying degrees of time. Thus the smokescreen is maintained and we merely come home to be deprogrammed and enjoy our basic right to leisure on our beautiful island with its eight-degrees-year-round temperature (thanks to the Gulf Stream and ozone control manipulation machines).

 Hey, is that a click I heard? Are you taping this?

 M: Uh, that. No, (lying) it's just this cheap phone I got free with a gas fill-up. Tell me more about your secret Newfie society.

 SB: (launching into his thick, defensive Newfie accent) I, uh... I means, hell, I means I was only joking b'y. Ya kisses a cod, sings a song, shoot some rum, it's a grand ol' time. :

 

With the Hashimoto Show at Jailhouse Rock on Saturday, January 29, 9pm, $5