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Tranquilizer wars, big booming clitoral orgasms, earth-shaking vaginal orgasms!
Plus: Skeeter Davis!!
"edited" by AL SOUTH M I'd like to suggest that Mirror Noisemaker Woody Whelan downplay any connections to Primitive Air Raid on his upcoming local band compilation Space Age Air Raid. Or else explain why no attempt was made to contact the only band on the original record that is still in existence, the American Devices. He's apparently been working on this for years and the Devices are not hard to find. Former Nils members making an appearance give it the flavour of an update so what is with the omission? By the way, the Devices are looking for a venue for their 20th anniversary show and they've already ruled out my living room. Any suggestions? [BLEEP!]
M First of all I would just like to say that ska night at Bar St-Laurent is on Wednesdays--not Tuesdays--and secondly that people should just be thankful that Montreal even has a ska night to begin with. I'd also like to remind those people who seem to think that the ska scene is the sole domain of 14-year-old rude boys, that it was skinheads who embraced and popularized ska back in the late '60s and early '70s. The ska night here was started by a skin for everyone to come out and enjoy--not just rudies. As a skin I wouldn't be seen dead at Stomp All-Stars. I find the idea of paying $5 to see a bunch of talentless rich kids singing about being working class an insult. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
F Okay, what is going on with Oldies 990? I mean, do these guys ever change their playlist? I love fucking oldies but come on, there are only so many times I can listen to Ian Thomas' "Painted Ladies" before I want to scream. I've been listening to Oldies 990 since it came on the air and I don't think they've changed their playlist once in all of that time. It's incredible! Shit, all I've got in my car is an AM radio and I've gotten so sick of hearing the same Skeeter Davis and Guess Who and Herman's Hermits songs that I'm being forced to tune in to that idiot Trudi Mason on CJAD. Hasn't anyone ever heard of the Haunted over there on Greene Ave? For the love of God, change the playlist around a little bit. Please! [BLEEP!]
M Hey, hey, this goes out to all those girls that want a breast man. I love breasts! Just not the hairy ones. So make sure you wax it or something. All right, bye babies. [BLEEP!]
F About all this breast talk: I really don't understand what the whole argument is about. Special attention towards breasts, what is that? Why not talk about something that is actually pleasing to a woman--both mentally and physically. Yes darlings, it's the clitoris. Now there's the BIG BOOM. Sure, I like getting my nipples licked. Sure, it's erotic but I don't think it's as worth wasting space on our precious Rant Line as the clitoris is. Now that's where it's at. Well, my boyfriend is waiting to suck me dry. I'll see you in the morning. Ta ta for now. [BLEEP!]
M Ativan, my ass. Serax is the way to go. Serax don't lie. Serax is truth. [BLEEP!]
M What a fuckin' turd that guy is who is so thrilled about his Ativans. I've been taking tranqs for over two decades and I can tell you that the best buzz is without a doubt Valium and Scotch. Ativan, get real dude. [BLEEP!]
F Yeah, I guess Ativan is okay--if you take enough of them. But for a really sexy tranquilizer you got to try Quaaludes. A couple of these babies and I'm ready to fuck almost anything that moves. Quaaludes rule, man. [BLEEP!]
F This is to the girl who was complaining about not being able to have an orgasm when she's getting MOWED by a guy. Girls like you can really piss me off, you know? It's like the whole fucking thing is about your stupid orgasms. What do I care if you get off or not? That's your business, not mine. Sure, I'm happy if you get an orgasm but that's your responsibility and I don't want you to make me feel guilty for shooting my load after I've been plowing your STINK HOLE for a half an hour and you don't even come. Don't blame us guys just because you're frigid. [BLEEP!]
F Maybe that little female who never comes when she is with a guy should forget about guys altogether and spend a night with me and my girlfriend. We'll make you come, sweetie--from deep inside--and you won't be wasting any more time worrying about men for a while. That's a promise, kitten. We'll give you an earth-shaking vaginal orgasm like you've never dreamed possible. Get back to us on the Rant Line. Sleep tight. [BLEEP!]
Next week: Open forum |