More bang for your buck

>> Two cents' worth on Jailhouse Rock's Dollarama Cabaret

By RUPERT BOTTENBERG

In another of his crackpot, "so-crazy-it-just-might-work" kinda schemes, Jailhouse Rock's "Dazzling" Dom Castelli has cooked up something called the Dollarama Cabaret.

The way it works is, as Castelli puts it, "a lot like an open mic night, where anybody who has a song, a poem or a comedy sketch can lay it on the crowd. Pay a buck and see the show or pay a buck and be in the show. Just show up, sign up with the MC so we can introduce you, wait for your turn and play."

Apparently, each participant gets five to 10 minutes. So what to do, to get your dollar's worth of stage time? Here's a few suggestions.


Hollerama: just git up there, stamp your feet and carry on about "those people." The more you drink, the more right you are.

Bawlarama: sorta like the above but for sensitive people. Take the child inside out for stroll, but keep the lil' bastard on a leash, okay?

Scholarama: school the youth with your extensive knowledge of postmodern Pythagorean paradoxes. That'll learn 'em, perfesser!

Brawlarama: take your shirt off and yell, "Who wants to go, eh?" Then stand there seething in the embarrassed silence that follows.

Gallarama: help yourself to people's beer and then tell them they're ugly. Of all the gall!

Stallarama: expend your allotted time by fussing with the mic, getting drinks, coughing, fidgeting and make up nonsense about technical difficulties.

Sprawlarama: lay around on the stage in assorted lazy, sensuous poses, rubbing your belly and groaning contentedly. Simply disgusting!

Y'allarama: dress up like a hillbilly and tell the crowd you're fixin' fer some corn fritters, by cracky.

Callarama: as in prank calls. A number-blocked cell phone and a contact mic patched into the house system is what you need to let everyone in on rousing renditions of "Is Your Fridge Running?" and "Prince Albert in a Can."

Allarama: make a fortune, raise a family, sail a boat, write a novel, eat, shit, fuck, die. Do absolutely everything that any human being can possibly do, all packed into your brief moment of glory. If you can actually do this, you can have your buck back. :

At Jailhouse Rock on January 25, 9pm. Admission is, obviously, one fine Canadian dollar