Sounds like Christmas Yuletide CDs of questionable quality for everyone!

by ADAM GOLLNER

Our annual CD buying guide:

Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum! Throw another log into the hearth and slosh some more rum in that nog! What with all the great Yuletide CDs coming out now, 1999 is going to be the best Christmas ever! And it's about time. How many more holidays could we possibly suffer through, listening to garbage like the Beach Boys' "Little Saint Nick," Booker T.'s "Jingle Bells," Chuck Berry's "Run, Run Rudolph" and Phil Spector's terrible Christmas album? I mean, like, whoosh, that stuff's for old farters. And how could Rocket From The Crypt ever write a song like "Cancel Christmas?" We would've missed out on great [note: he's being ironic, the whole damn way through--ed.] new stuff like this:

980 This Christmas (Universal) Why not start with the best? Forget all the shameless knaves and quacksalvers who only release Christmas albums to fill their own ermine-lined pockets, these wise boymen have restored my faith in humanity. Attired festively in different shades of cream, they push the boundaries of modern R&B with their colossal vocal talents. And they never lose sight of priority number one: giving to those less fortunate than ourselves is the real meaning of Christmas. All of us ungrateful little people should rejoice at being offered such a momentous outpouring of love. 980--thank you for being so damn honest.

Ringo Starr I Wanna Be Santa Claus (Mercury) Goodnight Vienna! The original schnozz is back! And better than ever! Believe it.

Jewel Joy: A Holiday Collection (Atlantic) Is there anything this multi-talented prism can't do? Whether it's starring in Civil War period-pieces, composing poetry anthologies or posing nude for Art, this diamond-in-the-ruff shines like a veritable platinum snowflake. Jewel is a way better X-mas gospel singer than fat ol' Mahalia ever was.

Reba McEntire Secret of Giving (MCA) Oh, Reba, you fiery-haired vixen! Even though you are an "older babe" you've still got that thing. Shake them sleighbells!

George Strait Merry Christmas Wherever You Are (MCA) Baby Jesus is gonna be havin' a hoe-down in Nashville this No-el, y'all. Woo-eee! This is some real honky-tonkin', barnyard-stormin', cradle-robbin', moonshine-guzzlin', six-gun slingin' leather-vested cowboy-sonovabitch C&W merry-makin' stompers!

Various Christmas At Home (EMI) Various CBC Radio Christmas Sing-In (ATMA) Ahh, sweet Canada. We have it all, don't we? These releases are the perfect audio companion to our unbeatable standard of living. Let's forget language issues and drink Caribou and gaze deeply into each others' eyes over the majesty of these compilations. Merry Christmas, eh?

Our annual CD buying guide: