Best Montreal weirdo
1. Straw man
2. The Great Antonio
3. Spoon Man at Ogilvy's
4. Pierre Bourque
5. Jean Leloup
Honourable mentions: blues taxi driver * Chico * bearded hobo around McGill * Bernard Landry * crackhead ex-con who sells old '70s metal records * Danger Boy * David Cronenberg * flamboyantly dressed woman with parasols * guy selling alien books outside Eaton * guy with glass eye on St-Laurent * harmonica lady * Jesus guy who jumped in front of the metro at Atwater * Jay Rubenstein * Johnson Cummins * Jojo * Julian Samuels * "can you spare some change for food, not alcohol" guy (Brian) * Samantha Diamond * Old Brewery director * Michael Jackson impersonator * Rick Trembles * my creepy neighbour * Plastik Patrick * Screaming Lady * Vietnam vet from Guy metro * Tommy Schnurmacher * that short guy with the bad moustache who sings those awful Broadway tunes in the Peel metro * the guy who slow walks on Ste-Catherine * Willem Bagchus * that woman who walks around in that Acadian outfit * that bald man who sits in a wheelchair (but can walk) outside the Bay but is all wrapped up and looks dead * that punk who dances at all the ska shows * the "Bishop" of the gay village.
Montrealer closest to sainthood
1. Father Emmett Johns (Pops)
2. Nick Auf der Maur
3. Felipe Alou
4. Leonard Cohen
5. Brother André
Honourable mentions: guy who started 99-cent pizza * boys of VICE * Madeleine Parent * guy who plays wooden spoons in front of Ogilvy's * nurses * owner of Il Bolero * STELLA * Bill Haugland * Celine Dion * the Great Antonio * Phyllis Lambert * Catholics * Jean Leloup* Maurice Richard * Matt Collyer * Paul Martin * Pierre Bourque * my dog.
Montrealer closest to hell
1. Pierre Bourque
2. Lucien Bouchard
3. Claude Brochu
4. Jacques Parizeau
5. Brian Mulroney
Honourable mentions: any cyclist * Bernard Shapiro * Elizabeth Bromstein * my absentee landlord * guy who broke into my apartment * owner of the Rialto for wanting to turn the landmark into a niteclub * Don McGowan * cops * Goldilocks * Green Onions * Jojo * Mom Boucher * murderer of Session's victim * my best friend Jenny * Save Sherbrooke Society * superintendent of St-Laurent bus station.
Most desirable man
1. David Usher
2. Danny of Luba
3. Chad Kenemy
4. Felipe Alou
5. James DiSalvio
6. Leslie Roberts
7. Mike McGee of Stomp Records
The new man to be contended with is Danny, the owner of Luba Lounge on Bleury, who debuted at No. 2. He joins longtime list members David Usher, James Di Salvio and Leslie Roberts.
Honourable mentions: any Italian * Johnson Cummins * Dermod Travis * guy who sleeps with me * Jack Todd * Roch Voisine * Mr. Biddle * a man with a job * sandwich guy at Titanic * Joe the tattooed waiter at Presse Café * DJ A-Trak * Felix from Undercovers * DJ Pacman * François (owner of Sona) * Howard Galganov * Prosper Banon * Jean-Luc Brassard * Roy Dupuis * Jordan Swift * the cute squeegee kid on St-Laurent * Jacques Villeneuve * Jean Leloup * Jerry of Luba * Leonard Cohen * Johnny Jackoff of the Vaginal Croutons * spoon-playing man * Dr. Réjean Thomas * Patrick Huard * Norm MacDonald * Xavier Cafeïne * Steve Diamond * Thomas Jungen (La Cité) * Tom Tilden * Sule Mike Heitner (Tribal Groove) * Montreal men as a rule are undesirable.
Most desirable woman
1. Sasha
2. Celine Dion
3. Pascale Bussières
3. Melissa Auf der Maur
4. Heather Hiscox
5. Jamie Orchard
6. Julie Snyder
Honourable mentions: Lucia Kowaluk * Big O staff * Coquette * some skinny 16-year-old I saw on the bus * Mitsou * Mitsumi Takahashi * Phyllis Lambert * Elizabeth Bromstein * any female Montrealer * Sonia Benezra * Pat Caporali * Lady Rita * Lisa (Chez Parée) * Lori Graham * Melanie from Luba * Isabelle from Stomp * angel atop the statue on Mount-Royal * definitely not Celine Dion.
Best candidate for Viagra
1. Pierre Bourque
2. Lucien Bouchard
3. Jean Chrétien
4. Jacques Parizeau
5. Louise Beaudoin
It's the medication of the year and the only word that rhymes with Niagara, and our readers want our politicians to get some. Clearly the world would be a better place if Pierre Bourque, Lucien Bouchard and Jean Chrétien spent their time shagging their brains out rather than doing whatever it is that they do.
Honourable mentions: cops * Don Cherry * Jamie O'Meara * Jean Coutu * Leslie Roberts * my Dad * Red Fisher * Ron Reusch * the Habs * those old farts who hang out in Priape * Youppi! * the last guy I tried to have sex with * Howard Galganov * Michel Prescott * Johnson Cummins/Charlie Manson.
Best looking politician
1. Helen Fotopulos, Mario Dumont (tie)
2. Jean Charest
3. P.E. Trudeau
4. Jean Doré
5. Boris from Bloc Pot
Honourable mentions: Sonya Biddle * André Boisclair * Robert Libman * Lucien Bouchard * Kim Campbell * Gilles Duceppe * Sheila Copps * Philip Preville * Michael Applebaum * Vera Danyluk * Pierre Pettigrew * Michel Prescott * a politician in a coffin.
Loudest activist/protester
1. Howard Galganov
2. William Johnson
3. Alexander Popovic
4. Angry students
5. Yves Manseau
Honourable mentions: Anna Louise Crago * David Smaller * folks at Food not Bombs * Tommy Schnurmacher * they all bug me * the guy who runs all the gay rights stuff * SalAMI * Sid Stevens * Michael Hendricks * Jaggi Singh * my neighbour's dog.
Best angry anglo
1. Howard Galganov
2. William Johnson
3. Jim Duff
4. Tommy Schnurmacher
Honourable mentions: Jenny Cuckier * the singer at Mclean's pub * Kristian Gravenor * Johnny Jackoff * my friend who moved out West * Robert Libman * Preston Manning * most McGill English dept profs * Jack Todd * Helen Fotopulos * CJAD audience * Dinu Bumbaru.
Best replacement mayor
1. Helen Fotopulos
2. Jacques Duchesneau
3. Felipe Alou
4. Serge Savard
5. P.E. Trudeau, Dinu Bumbaru (tie)
Honourable mentions: a pile of shit * a shoebox * a squeegee * an empty seat * Bernard Lang * Youppi! * the guy who cooks at Chez Oeufs * Nick Auf der Maur * Thérèse Daviau * Sasha * Mila Mulroney * someone less concerned with planting geraniums * Michel Prescott * Jean Doré * Gerry Weiner * Howard Galganov * Mordecai Richler * Leslie Roberts * Jim Duff * Roopnarine Singh * Jean Béliveau * Grandpa Smurf * Daniel Langlois * John Moore * Liza Frulla * Macha Grenon * Josh Freed * Louise Beaudoin.
Best dressed Montrealer
1. Leslie Roberts (photo circa 1983)
2. Geneviève Bourne
3. Julie Snyder
4. Rufus Wainwright
Honourable mentions: Jojo * Lise Watier * Melissa Auf der Maur * Ian Hodkinson * Helen Fotopulos * Alain Vigneault * Alexis O'Hara * all the ladies in the clubs at night * anyone in the Village * Bruno Blanchet * Chad Kenemy * David Usher * DJ Randomyzer * Elsie Martins * everyone around Eaton Centre * François Beauchamp * girls at Chez Parée * Great Antonio * Heather Hiscox * Hudson Foga * James DiSalvio * Jamie O'Meara in summer * Joffrey Frigid * Johnny Destiny * Jordan Swift * Josh Freed * Kate (owner of Fetish Cafe) * Lamine of Tokyo * Lori Graham * Maria Coletta * Marie-Chantal Toupin * Mike Magee * Mila Mulroney * Miss Sushi * Muts * My brother... where does he get those fucking clothes? * My friend Mark (you go girl!) * My girlfriend * Paul Martin * Pavlo Pshyk * Ron Reusch * Rosanna Caucci * Ruchie * Shayne Corson * Stéphane Quintal * Sure as hell not me * this guy Dan at school * Véronique Cloutier and Vincenzo Guzzo.
Best radio show
1. André & Ted (Mix 96)
2. Aaron & Tasso (Q92)
3. Rage (CHOM)
4. Brave New Waves (CBC)
5. Howard Stern (CHOM, defunct)
Eliminated were those ballots which named only a station. Honourable mentions: Daybreak (CBC) * Terry Dimonte (CJAD) * Buzz Back Lunch (BUZZ) * Melnick No Limit (CIQC) * I Feel a Song Coming On (CKUT) * Underground Sounds (CKUT) * Travel World (CIQC) * Phlipped out Phil (CKUT) * Gray Matters (CKUT).
Best radio DJ
1. Claude Rajotte (CHOM)
2. Terry Dimonte (CJAD)
3. Mario Tremblay (Mix 96)
4. Howard Stern (CHOM, defunct)
5. Steve Anthony (CHOM),
5. Cat Spencer (Mix 96) (tie)
Honourable mentions: Aaron Rand (Q92) * André Maisonneuve (Mix 96) * George Evans (CKUT) * Picard (BUZZ) * Jack Curran (CIQC) * Jim Duff (CIQC) * Patti Schmidt (CBC) * Mitch Melnick (CIQC) * Tommy Schnurmacher (CJAD) * Rod Dewar (CJAD).
Best local news cast
1. Pulse
2. Newswatch
3. Global
4. TVA
5. La Fin du Monde est à 7h
Honourable mentions:Téléjournal *Sports 30 (RDS).
Best local news anchor
1. Bill Haugland, Pulse
2. Mitsumi Takahashi, Pulse
3. Dennis Trudeau, Newswatch
4. Heather Hiscox, Global
5. Leslie Roberts, Montreal AM
The seats have been rearranged slightly, with Haugland nabbing the top spot from last year's winner Dennis Trudeau, but the five leading names remain the same.
Honourable mentions: Carmel Kilkenny (CBC) * Jamie Orchard (Global) * Patricia Rodriguez (CBC) * Patty Kim (CBC) * Simon Durivage (TVA) * Todd Van der Heyden (TCV9) * Herb Luft (CFCF) * Stéphane Bureau (Radio Canada) * Jeniene Phillips (Global) * Marc Labrèche (TQS) * Michelle Viroli (Radio Canada) * Lloyd Robertson (CTV) * that blond girl whose eyes are too far apart.
Best actor (male)
1. Roy Dupuis
2. Luc Picard
3. Nicholas Cage, William Shatner (tie)
4. Alain Goulem
5. Alexis Martin
Our dear, enlightened readers seem to be taking a while to catch on about this category. (And it's only been 10 years.) For future reference, this is meant to be a vote on local types. People from here! Mssrs. Pitt, Stallone, Willis, Travolta et al don't really qualify. (We'll let Nic Cage fly, as he did shoot the Brian De Palma film Snake Eyes here, but that movie really, really sucked.)
Honourable mentions: guy who was customs officer in Red Violin * Tom Adrian * Lothaire Bluteau * Donald Sutherland * Pierre Bourque * Alejandro Mora * Lucien Bouchard * Corey Haim (I amuse myself) * Gabriel Arcand * Jamie Elman * Marc Lebrèche * Serge Postigo * Bill Luxton * Jason Burack * Jean-Louis Milette * Jeff Roop * Marcel Jeauin * Michel Courtemanche * Michel Perron * Mitch Michaels * Julien Poulin * Andre Umbriaco * Ryan Phillippe * Ted Whittal.
Best actor (female)
1. Macha Grenon
2. Pascale Brussières
3. Sylvie Drapeau
Honourable mentions: Paulina Abarca * Katie Emme (Student Bodies) * Ginette Reno * Alexandra Haber * Anne-Marie Cadieux * Celine Bonnier * Geneviève Brouillette * Ginette Reno * Janis Kirshner * Joanna Noyes * Joanne Coté * Jude Beny * Karine Vanesse * William Shatner * Mitsou * Pol Pelletier * Rita Lafontaine * strippers at Super Sexe.
Best play
1. Waiting for Godot
2. Grease
3. Sleuth
4. Death of a Salesman
5. Titters
Honourable mentions: Notre-Dame de Paris * Fame * Les Oranges sont vertes * Möcshplat * A Midsummer Night's Dream * Puppet Master of Lodz * the musicals I'm writing.
Best dance show
1. La La La Human Steps
2. Ellementale 5
3. Bouge de là
4. Chez Parée
5. Margie Gillis, Stomp (tie)
Honourable mentions: Fame * O Vertigo * Étude sur la séduction * les Amazones * Sona at 6 a.m. * 281.
Best gallery
1. Montreal Museum of Fine Arts
2. Musée d'art contemporain de Montréal
3. Isart (defunct)
Honourable mentions: Oboro * Le Parchemin * Circa * Canadian Centre for Architecture * Clark * the Belgo Building * Concordia's Visual Arts building * Articule.
Best cartoonist
1. Aislin (The Gazette)
2. Serge Chapleau (La Presse)
3. Rupert Bottenberg (Mirror)
4. Julie Doucet (Dirty Plotte, Ici)
5. Rick Trembles (Mirror)
Honourable mentions: Dave Rosen * Richard Suicide * Geoff Isherwood * Napoleon.
Best local filmmaker
1. François Girard
2. Alan Handel
3. Catherine Bainbridge
4. Denys Arcand
5. Gilles Carle
Honourable mentions: Sara Morley * Bill Mariani * Albert Nerenberg * Anthony Seck * Bashar Shbib * Charles Binamé * Cronenberg * Daniel Langlois * Denis Villeneuve * Euro-Deli twins * John Greyson * Norman Jewison * Peter Wintonick * Pierre Gang * Richard Desjardins * Robert Lepage * Roger Frappier * Romy Goulem * Ryan Sargent.
Best sports personality
1. Felipe Alou
2. Vladimir Guerrero
3. Randy Tieman
4. Shayne Corson
Honourable mentions: Ron Reusch * Sensei * Ron Philpott * Red Fisher * Hiltons * Vladimir Malakhov * TSN cast * Benoit Brunet * Terry Haig.
Best busker
1. Sax-playing guy on stilts
2. Grayson the accordion guy
3. Harmonica Lady
4. Spoonman in front of Ogilvy's
Honourable mentions: two drunk guys in front of dollar store on Ste-Catherine * tin flute girl in Beaudry metro * Michael Jackson guy at Lionel-Groulx metro * Mexican guy with sombrero * little guy who does acrobatics at the tams every summer * Elvis impersonator * mime in gold spray paint on Ste-Catherine * Peruvian guys * Spanish guitar & foot pedal guy at Lionel-Groulx * homeless men's choir * blind recorder lad * guy who plays guitar on lap with crazy harmonica * any didgeridoo player * woman with Walkman on Parc ave * Rafael Sebastien the fire-eating magician * violinist in Guy metro * Pachelbel's canon brigade * they're all annoying.
Best pop/rock band
1. Bran Van 3000
2. Moist
3. Vendettas
4. Sky
5. Kingpins, Planet Smashers (tie)
Once again, James DiSalvio and his movable musical monkeyhouse--Bran Van 3000--take top honours. David Usher and his soggy compadres in Moist pull in second, but the dark horse in third are the Vendettas. Not even on any label yet, much less a major, these rock-reggae-revolutionaries from the West Island came in ahead of not only Sky, who are on a major, but also the Kingpins and the Smashers.
Honourable mentions: Jazz Pharmacy * Tricky Woo * Lili Fatale * Les Colocs * Spaceshits * Undercovers * Slaves on Dope * Vilain Pengouin * Godspeed You Black Emperor * Golden Mean * Parkside Jones.
Best hip hop act
1. Shades of Culture
2. Dubmatique
3. Rainmen
Those remarkably cultured gentlemen from NDG--that's right, Shades--are the top of the hip hop crop for Montrealers this year. Dubmatique got their share of props, though, and Rainmen too. Good to see Ellementale 5 get some mention, reminding us that "hip hop act" can refer to a lot more than two decks and a mic.
Honourable mentions: Rabbi-T & the 3 Hares * Obscure Disorder * Ellementale 5.
Best metal band
1. Grim Skunk
2. Groovy Aardvark
3. Overbass
4. Vaginal Croutons
It's an interesting comment on the state of metal today that none of our winners are a true and proper metal band. No spandex, no flying Vs, and the closest thing to pyrotechnics they've got is a fancy lighter for sparking up the bong.
Honourable mentions: Necronomicon * Necrotic Mutations * Bionic * Little Dutch Boy Bugle Corps.
Best Latin act
1. Lhasa de Sela
2. Papo Ross
3. Paulo Ramos
4. Those Peruvian panflute guys
Sorry, Montreal, but über-prettyboy Ricky Martin doesn't live here, so votes for him were diqualified--as were votes for Santana, Menudo and Slayer. Note to the nasty little cracker cuss who scawled in, "Who gives a fuck about spics?": put on your best suit, we have a lovely Colombian necktie picked out for you.
Honourable mentions: girls on the street in my hood * the two cuties at Exotica bar * The Pope.
Best club DJ
1. Mark Anthony
2. Mario Tremblay
3. Tiga
4. Jojo Flores
5. DJ Quest
You spin us 'round, baby, spin us right 'round. House-meister Mark Anthony takes the cake this year, even though MC Mario, overlord of all that is hi-NRG, cut himself a nice big slice.
Honourable mentions: Dick Knight * Alain Vinet * Arkin Allen * DJ Pacman * Kulwant * Steve Gat Soul * Parapfino * Kwite Sane * XL * Patrick Dream * Johnson Cummins (who should have been voted Best Psychic for his amazing ability to operate a tape deck while drinkin' and yakkin' on the other side of the Bifteck).
Best scratch DJ
1. A-Trak
2. Kid Koala
3. Steve Gat Soul
We promise that next year, this category will be renamed "best turntablist"--a nod to the fact that these guys are every bit the musicians that Satriani and Vai are. This year's winner is A-Trak with Koala in a tight second, and there's no ignoring their spectacular talent. We suspect, however, that the high cuddly factor of both swung the girl vote.
Honourable mentions: DJ Choice * Brass Knuckles Crew * Martin Tétrault * P-Love * G. I. Joel * my sister, she scratched all my records.
Most prominent scenester
1. Me
2. Jake Brown
3. Mado Lamotte
4. John Jordan (although he'll deny it)
5. Plastik Patrick
6. Greg Hall
7. Jacklyn Jet
8. Mike Cohen
9. Otto
10. James DiSalvio
Nice to know so many people feel they make their own scene. Poetry slam organizer Jake Brown comes out as man about town again this year, followed by representatives from the gay, ska, after-hours and Jewish scenes.
Honourable mentions: Eramelinda * Andrew from the Cartel * Anne-Marie Sylvestre * Bob the bouncer * boxing guy at Gypsy * Brad Smith * Carlos Correal * Cesar Saez * Christine Long * Claudie * Dana Rempel * Danger Boy * Dr. John * drag queens at Sona * Fish Piss Louis * Geneviève Borne * Geraldine Hunt & Auralie Laforest * Hudson Foga * I hate that word * Jaybo * John the heater Hatz * Jordan Swift * Lavilla bros * Marc Gagnon * Mark Monroe * Marky * Martin Siberok * Michel Dorion * Michel Langevin * Mireille * Mitsiko Miller * Mordecai Richler * Patricia Paquin * Paul Gott * Paulo Petrillo * Quan * Robert Laliberté * Rochelle Lash * Russel * Saska Thuot * spoon-playing man * Sue Farquahar * T'cha * Tommy * Tracy Mckee.