1. Picasso Serre (6810 St-Jacques W., 484-2832 and various locations, 24 hrs)

2. Euro-Deli (3619 St-Laurent, 843-7853, open until 3am; 1206 Peel, 878-3354, open until 12am)

3. Club Sandwich (1578 Ste-Catherine E., 523-4679, 24 hrs)

4. Reuben's (888 Ste-Catherine W., 861-1255; 1116 Ste-Catherine W., 866-1029)

5. Rapido du Plateau (4494 St-Denis, 284-2188)

Best breakfast

1. Chez Cora Déjeuners (various locations)

2. Eggspectations (various locations)

3. Picasso Serre (6810 St-Jacques W., 484-2832 and various locations)

4. Tie: Cosmos (5843 Sherbrooke W., 486-3814); Beauty's (93 Mont-Royal W., 849-8883)

5. Place Milton (224 Milton, 285-0011)

Best pizza

1. Pizza Hut (various locations, 595-7474 for delivery)

2. Pizza Donini (various locations, 383-6000 for delivery)

3. Domino's Pizza (various locations)

4. Tie: Pizzadélic (various locations); À la Pointe de Pizza aka $.49 Pizza (1444 St- Mathieu, 934-4801); Euro-Deli (3619 St- Laurent, 843-7853; 1206 Peel, 878-3354)

5. Amelio's (201 Milton, 845-8396)

Best souvlaki

1. Souvlaki Georges (6995 Monkland, 482-0040)

2. Arahova Souvlaki (3925 St-Martin W., Laval, 688-3535 and various other locations; and of course 256 St-Viateur W., 274-7828, which is not affiliated with the others)

3. Kojax (various locations)

4. Marathon (3938 Notre-Dame, Chomedy, 450-681-7385 dining and pick-up; 784 Labelle, 450-681-9449, pick-up and delivery)

5. Villa du Souvlaki (5347 Sherbrooke W., 489-2039)

Ah, souvlaki. Of all the food categories, this is probably the one that generates the greatest loyalty among connaisseurs. What other food allows you to publicly lick white liquid off your fingers without anyone batting an eye? Add in lots of garlic, onion, grilled meat, yogurt and pita and you're supping on all four major food groups.

Best falafel

1. Amir (various locations)

2. Mr. Falafel (3750 St-Laurent, 843-7482; 415 Mont-Royal E., 499-0010)

3. Basha (various locations)

4. Sara (4495 St-Laurent, 843-9014)

5. Tie: Fattouch (3673 St-Laurent, 499-9093); Boustan (2020-A Crescent, 843-3576)

Best fries

1. Tie: Frite Alors (5235-A du Parc, 948-2219; 1562 Laurier E., 524-6336; 433 Rachel E., 843-2490), McDonald's (various locations)

2. Lafleur (various locations)

3. La Belle Province (various locations)

4. Souvlaki Georges (6995 Monkland, 482-0040)

5. Tie: Mondo Fritz (3899 St-Laurent, 281-6521); New York Fries (various locations)

Best poutine

1. La Belle Province (various locations)

2. Lafleur (various locations)

3. Valentine (various locations)

4. Tie: Fameux Viande Fumée et Charcuterie (4500 St-Denis, 845-8732); Green Spot (3041 Notre-Dame W., 932-2340); Mamma's Pizzeria (75 des Pins W., 288-1128)

5. Rapido du Plateau (4494 St-Denis, 284-2188)

Best burger

1. Harvey's (various locations)

2. La Paryse (302 Ontario E., 842-2040)

3. Mister Steer (1198 Ste-Catherine W., 866-3233)

4. McDonald's (various locations)

5. Burger King (various locations)

Best buffet

1. Buffet Vichy (7205 Newman, LaSalle, 367-1731; 2901 Taschereau, St. Hubert, 450-465-0519)

2. Buffet Maharaja (1481 Réné-Levesque W., 934-0655)

3. La Stanza (various locations)

4. Commensal (various locations)

5. Jade Garden Café (57 de la Gauchetière W., 861-4941)

Upon approaching a buffet of food, there seems to be an inate need to pile as much as possible onto a dish. The joy of buffet-eating is in the unlikeliness that one will leave the resto still hungry. The peril of this type of eating is the possible wave of nausea that may overwhelm the overindulgent eater. Buffet bulimics beware.

Best French

1. Les Halles (1450 Crescent, 844-2328)

2. L'Express (3927 St-Denis, 845-5333)

3. Le Caveau (2063 Victoria, 844-1624)

4. La Belle Province (various locations)

Best Italian

1. Le Piemontais (1145-A de Bullion, 861-8122)

2. Tie: Weinstein and Gavino's (1434 Crescent 288-2231); Casa Napoli (6728 St-Laurent, 274-4351)

3. Casa Vecchia (3872 St-Charles, 620-4444)

4. Buona Notte (3518 St-Laurent, 848-0644)

5. Da Giovanni (various locations)

Honourable mentions: Euro-Deli (3619 St-Laurent, 843-7853; 1206 Peel, 878-3354) * Mediteraneo (3500 St-Laurent, 844-0027) * Primadonna (3479 St-Laurent, 282-6644) * Scarolies Pasta Imporium (950 St-John's, 694-8611) * Da Emma (777 rue de la Commune, 392-1568).

Best Indian

1. Bombay Palace (2051 Ste-Catherine W., 932-7141)

2. Buffet Maharaja (1481 Réné-Levesque W., 934-0655)

3. Golden Curry House (5210 St-Laurent, 270-2561)

4. Taj Mahal (5026 Sherbrooke W., 482-0076)

5. Étoile des Indes (1806 Ste-Catherine W., 932-8330)

Best Caribbean

1. Curry House (1433 Bishop, 845-0326)

2. Rainbow (5245 de Maisonneuve W., 486-9496)

3. Ma's (5889 Sherbrooke W., 487-7488)

Best sushi

1. Koji Kaizen Sushi Bar (4120 Ste-Catherine W., 932-5654)

2. Soto (3527 St-Laurent, 842-1150; 500 McGill, 864-5115)

3. Katsura (2170 de la Montagne, 849-1172)

4. Mikado (1731 St-Denis, 844-5705, 368 Laurier W., 279-4809)

5. Tie: Tokiwa (1184 Bishop, 876-0056); Yakata (5115 St-Laurent, 272-8667); Sushi Maki (1240 Crescent, 861-2050)

Best noodle bar

1. Just Noodles (2061 Ste-Catherine W., 989-5826; 355 Bernard W., 274-7452; 3711 St-Laurent, 288-9593)

2. Soups & Noodles (1871 Ste-Catherine W., 933-0531)

3. Tie: Nantha's Kitchen (9 Duluth E., 845-4717); Tampopo (4449 Mentana, 526-0001)

4. Pho Bang (6135 Côte-des-Neiges, 344-9776)

5. Ginger (16 des Pins, 844-2121)

It took long enough, didn't it? One of the most sensible means of nourishment for the busy urbanite has finally come to Montreal--and in numbers. There's been a whole slew of Asian-style fast-food noodle bars popping up around town this last year, and there's a whole slew of good reasons why they're a better call than Mlle. Poutine or Achmed's Buck-a-slice.

Firstly, they're fast. If you don't believe me, drop by Just Noodles and try this test yourself. Place your order, light a smoke and watch your meal show up while you're still puffing. Now that's service.

Secondly, they're healthy. Healthier than deep-fried lard nuggets and a basket of starch twirlies, anyway. Vegetarians will find plenty of interesting options available, as well.

Thirdly, they're... unpretentious. Meaning that not only are they fast, as noted above, but affordable, too. The bottom line with noodle bars is turnover, and the decor is usually a chintzy travel agency poster or a Chinatown calendar, so you're not shelling out for the ambiance. If you're doing the pocketbook limbo, you can get fed for a fin at most of these places.

Best Thai

1. Thai Grill (5101 St-Laurent, 270-5566)

2. Chu Chai (4088 St-Denis, 843-4194)

3. Souvenirs de Bangkok (1925 Ste-Catherine W., 938-2235)

4. Tie: Chao Phraya (50 Laurier W., 272-5339); Nantha's Kitchen (9 Duluth E., 845-4717); Red Thai (3550 St-Laurent, 289-0998)

5. Thai Express (3677 St-Laurent, 844-4440)

Best Chinese

1. Tie: Hot & Spicy (1616 Ste-Catherine, 937-6000; 7373 Décarie, 731-1818); Kam Shing (6767-A Côte-des-Neiges, 731-1401; 4771 Van Horne, 341-1628)

2. Tie: Le Piment Rouge (1170 Peel, 866-7816); Mandarin (various locations)

3. Kim Foo (990 St-Antoine W., 871-1515; 6690 St-Jacques W., 487-1515, not affiliated)

4. Deer Garden (1162 St-Laurent, 866-7138)

5. Jade Garden (57 de la Gauchetière W., 861-4941)

Best Mexican

1. Mexicali Rosa's (1425 Bishop, 284-0344; 2800 St-Charles, Kirkland, 428-8878)

2. Carlos and Pepes (1420 Peel, 288-3090)

3. 3 Amigos (1237 Guy, 939-5990)

4. Casa de Mateo (440 St-François-Xavier, 844-7448)

5. El Zaziumm (1276 Laurier E., 598-0344; 4525 du Parc, 499-3675; 51 Roy, 844-0893)

Best vegetarian

1. Commensal (various locations)

2. Chu Chai (4088 St-Denis, 843-4194)

3. Santropol (3990 St-Urbain, 842-3110)

4. Wrapps (5124-A Sherbrooke W., 482-8542)

5. Tie: Faim du Monde (3655 St-Laurent, 281-9825); Les Vivres (4434 St-Dominique, 842-3479)

Best bagel

1. Fairmount (74 Fairmount W., 272-0667)

2. St-Viateur (263 St-Viateur W., 276-8044)

3. R.E.A.L. Bagel (4940 Queen Mary, 737-8841; 6160 Côte-St-Luc, 484-3323)

4. The Bagel Place (1616 Ste-Catherine W., 931-2827; 1455 Peel, 848-1802)

5. Dad's Bagels (5732 Sherbrooke W., 487-2454)

Best bakery

1. Pain Doré (various locations)

2. Pâtisserie Belge (3485 du Parc, 845-1245; 1075 Laurier W., 279-5274)

3. Première Moisson (various locations)

4. Tie: Swiss Vienna Pastry (Pointe-Claire Shopping Centre, 697-2280); Duc de Lorraine (5002 Côte-des-Neiges, 731-4128)

5. Tie: Pâtisserie de Gascogne (various locations); Le Fromentier (1375 Laurier E., 527-3327)

Best smoked meat

1. Schwartz's (3895 St-Laurent, 842-4813)

2. Ben's (990 de Maisonneuve W., 844-1000)

3. Main (3864 St-Laurent, 843-8126)

4. Tie: Lester's (1057 Bernard W., 276-6095); Dunn's (defunct)

5. Chenoy's (various locations)

Honourable mentions: Reuben's (888 Ste-Catherine W., 861-1255; 1116 Ste-Catherine W., 866-1029) * Nickels (various locations) * Jarry Smoked Meat (6549 Jarry E., St-Leonard, 322-3220) * Fameux Viande Fumée et Charcuterie (4500 St-Denis, 845-8732)

Best locally brewed beer

1. Boréale

2. Cheval Blanc

3. St-Ambroise

4. Molson

5. Tie: Griffon, Unibroue

6. Brutopia's Honey Nut Brown Ale

Honourable mentions: La Maudite * Fin du Monde. Of the Boréale drinkers, it appears that Rousse best satisfies the yen for yeast.

Best terrasse

1. St-Sulpice (1680 St-Denis, 844-9458)

2. Santropol (3990 St-Urbain, 842-3110)

3. Tie: 737 (1 Place Ville Marie, 397-0737); Luba Lounge (2109 Bleury, 288-5822)

4. Tie: Thursday's (1449 Crescent, 281-5320); Winnie's (1455 Crescent, 288-0623)

5. Miami (3831 St-Laurent, 525-0600)

Best coffee

1. Second Cup (various locations)

2. Starbuck's (various locations)

3. Tim Horton's (various locations)

4. Tie: Brûlerie St-Denis (various locations), Open da Night (124 St-Viateur W., 495-0746)

5. Olio Café (3407 Peel, 286-4046)

Best decadent indulgence

Air hockey * alcohol * almond croissant * an enema with a $250 bottle of champagne * baklava * being fed grapes & strawberries while receiving a massage by Chad Kenemy * being force-fed black forest cake while in handcuffs * Ben & Jerry's * café au lait * cannoli at Euro-Deli * Celine Dion cake * chocolate dildo * chocolate truffles * cold chicken soaked in mayonnaise * Cosmo's * Dairy Queen Peanut Buster Parfait * dinner at the Beaver Club * Doritos * English clotted cream * fast cars * fine herb * going to school * group sex * Hagen Daaz * Halloween in Mtl * Heineken with General Mao * hooters * ice cream * ile flottant * Kathy's chocolate fondue * Le Cirque * le queue de cheval cheesecake * lounging * maple syrup * marijuana * marzipan * M Felix & Mr Norton * Oreo cheesecake * pancakes at 2 Maries * pot * poutine! * power tools * renting porn * ribs at Baton Rouge, then licking the sauce from my lover's fingers * Rockaberry's pies * sipping vodka-cranberry with a $200-hr escort from Annik's * smoked meat * sperm * strawberry cheese cake * Sucrerie de la Montagne (it's in Rigaud but really decadent) * tire sur la neige on Mount Royal with tank-topped teenage girls * Troika * truffles from Divine * veggie breakfast & dinner * whiskey-laced crème brûlée after midnight.

Best barbecued chicken

1. Chalet BBQ (5456 Sherbrooke W., 489-7235; 6825 Décarie, 739-3226)

2. St. Hubert (various locations, 385-5555)

3. Côte St. Luc (4006 Ste-Catherine W., 935-5000; 5403 Côte-St-Luc, 488-4011; 4175 Jean Talon W., 731-5000)

4. Coco Rico (3907 St-Laurent, 849-5554)

5. Bar-B-Barn (1201 Guy, 931-3811; 3300 Boul. des Sources, Pointe Claire, 683-0225)