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The Alternative Pokédex
Cards you gotta have
by MICHAEL CITROME
Name: Slowbro
Type: Water/Psychic
Card Value: $1
Previous employment: A&W spokesbear, prior to the incident.
A pink bear, Slowbro should logically be some sort of fuzzy wuzzy cutesy thing. However, his propensity for having large mollusks crimp on to his posterior brings his credibility into question. Approach with caution and watch your backside.
Name: Charizard
Type: Fire
Card Value: $182
Previous employment: Model for Chinese restaurant menus, freelance BBQ starter.
Charizard is what happens to your cute little Charmander if you keep shooting him up with a mixture of high-grade steroids and Jamaican hot sauce. He's a big scary dragon, and if you let people know you have him, 7th graders will knife you and take him away.
Name: Weezing
Type: Poison
Card Value: $1.25
Previous employment: Bit player in high school science respiratory system filmstrip The Wonder of Noxious Fumes.
A floating ball of nasty liquid filth, Weezing exists to poison and destroy. Although he might think he's a big tough guy now, new provincial legislation that comes into effect next year will put an end to him, at least in public places. Currently illegal in Westmount and in Second Cups throughout Canada.
Name: Cubone
Type: Ground
Card Value: 25c
Previous employment: Roadie for Gwar; appliance on The Flintstones.
Cubone is a lizard that fashions clothing for himself out of the bones of other Pokémon. Far be it for us to label him a necrophile, but he is certainly a possible totem for goths, bikers and anyone who wears fur. Given enough training, Cubone will evolve into something called a Marowak, which uses bones to hit things. The cleverness of that name will be left to your contemplation and possible contempt.
Name: Mr. Mime
Type: Psychic
Card Value: $7
Previous employment: Busker on Ste-Catherine street.
After Nintendo made him an offer he couldn't refuse, Mr. Mime bid adieu to his former friends outside The Bay and moved to Japan to star in a video game. Although he will be missed by stilt guy and the guy who plays the sax outside HMV, his replacement by that Gold Elvis character has left the city with a certain sense of calm.
Name: Snorlax
Type: Normal
Card Value: $12
Previous employment: Passenger on night bus to the West Island; Canadian Tire clerk.
Possessing an uncanny ability to fall asleep anywhere, anytime, Snorlax proves himself time and time again to be more of a liability than an aid. Commonly seen populating the libraries of universities and Cégeps, right around this time of the year.
Name: Jynx
Type: Ice/Psychic
Card Value: $2.50
Previous employment: Member of the Parliament Funkadelic All-Stars.
Jynx is one funky badass mamma jamma. Hit this cat once and he'll mow you down with his bop gun, then summon the mothership on your funky self. Get down before he tears the roof of the sucker, hyuh! Gotta get up get up and get down! f
Thanks to Empire Comics, 1221 Crescent, for the Pokémon cards.
Main: Pokémon madness
Sidebar: The Alternative Pokédex
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