French quiz!

>> Les Rythmes Digitales' Jacques LeCont gets tested on all things froggy

by quizmaster MIREILLE SILCOTT

Two big things you should know about the great Jacques LeCont, aka Les Rythmes Digitales: 1) He's not French, he's British. 2) He just took on his froggy persona to spice up a dancescape he thought was lacking a bit of je ne sais quoi--and he did it before the whole Daft/Stardust thing, before "French!" was actually a feather you could wear in your cool-cap.

Anyhow, Frenchies really love him, maybe it's his name, maybe because they don't know he is actually a roast-beef-eating Limey, maybe because he makes beaty music that sounds like it was made in 1985--having resurrected both Nik Kershaw and Shannon for his debut Wall of Sound album Darkdancer--a pop music era obviously held very dear to the Francais heart (see Axelle Red).

So we decided to see how far the Jacques persona goes. Too see if, when eating jambon, Mr. LeCont would know which colour wine to drink. We quizzed him--and he sucked. We may like him even better now.



81. Name the two most popular brands of French-made cigarettes: Um, oh! Are Lucky Strikes French? Winstons! Lucky Strikes and Winstons! NO, Baguettes! I'll go with Winstons and Baguettes.

842. What is the difference between an allongé and a café simple? OK, one is a plain coffee and the other is like a tall tea.

83. If a concièrge in a French hotel asks you if you need a "couverture" for the night, what is he asking? He's asking if you need some help with your bags. Or if you want some food.

84. Who was the architect who designed the pyramid in the courtyard of the Louvre? What pyramid? Is there a courtyard?

85. What is the French national anthem? Le Electric Boogaloo.

86. How do you make fois gras? Oh, that's easy. You take a duck and cut out its insides and mash them up and make paté with it. It's a liver thing.

87. When was the Eiffel Tower built? I dunno, but I heard they wanted to tear it down a couple of years later.

48. What is the second largest French-speaking city in the world? Oh, this must be Canada. Er, Toron... Montreal!

49. When did the French win the World Cup? This past year, 1998. Yes! I got one right!

810. Who is the father of Vanessa Paradis' baby? Jacques Cousteau?

8411. What does Depeche Mode mean in English? Ooh, I know, it was from a magazine, a fashion magazine... um, smashing fashion.

8 12. Who were France's answer to The Cure? Le Cure.

813. Alexander McQueen is presently the designer at what French fashion house? Oh, I should know this, Alexander McQueen is British, eh, I don't know any fashion houses.

814. Who is the big-titted French model who was recently made the "Face of France"--a title once held by Catherine Deneuve? La Big Tittie.

415. Who is the Frenchman who designed the spider juicer, the Paramount hotel in New York and the Stark club in Texas? Who knows designers? Philip Stark?

816. Who directed A Bout de souffle? Jacques Cousteau.

417. Which French president is famous for saying "vive le Québec libre"? An airport is also named after him. Oh, I know airports! Charles de Gaulle.

818. How do you say Wall of Sound in French? I CAN'T speak French, FUCK!

819. What does a French actor say before going on stage? Help! French! Oh, how much longer?

820. Who designed all of the clothes for French pop group Niagara in the '80s? Alexander McQueen! House of Givenchy!

8421. Translate the following: petit four, petit pain, petit point. Um, a little cake or something, a little bread, and a little kiss.

422. Who was the first famous French rapper? MC Solaar.

823. Who was the DMC France champion DJ featured scratching in a high-rise window in the French film La Haine? Oooh! I remember that scene... I don't know his name. Scratch DJs! Who really knows their names?

424. What colour wine is traditionally served with ham? It's probably red, so I'll say white.

425. Who is Johnny Halliday? The only French pop star for, like, the longest time. An old bloke with a fake tan.

426. Name one famous French mime. Me.

427. Who is Asterix's partner? Obelix.

828. French etiquette states that when cutting brie you must never what? Fart. Or cut off your finger.

429. Étienne de Crecy is who? One half of Motorbass. Good French house.

430. What do you call the tube in Paris? Le Métro.

4831. Name two kinds of French automobile. Citröen and Citröen.

832. How do you say Smurf in French? Un SHMOORF.

833. What is the French derogatory term for a British person? Un non-Frog? Un smelly English?

834. Who is Jacques Tati? Jacques Cousteau?

435. What was the most famous gay club in Paris in the '90s? The Queen.

4BONUS QUESTION: Jacques LeCont means Jack the Count. What is the other phonetic meaning of the name? Well, in English it's Jack the Cunt. I know in French it has something to do with being really stupid.



Answers: 1) Gauloises, Gitanes; 2) One is espresso with hot water poured in it, the other is a plain espresso; 3) If you would like a prostitute; 4) I.M. Pei; 5) "La Marseillaise"; 6) Stick a tube down a goose's throat, force-feed it until it's liver is super-fatty, make paté with it; 7) 1889; 10) Johnny Depp; 11) Fast fashion; 12) Indochine; 13) Givenchy; 14) Laetitia Casta; 16) Jean-Luc Godard; 18) Mur de son; 19) Merde; 20) Jean Paul Gaultier; 21) A cookie, a roll, needlepoint; 23) Cut Killer; 26) Or Marcel Marceau; 28) cut off the tip; 31) And Peugeot or Renault; 32) Schtroumpf; 33) Un Rosbif; 34) A French filmmaker, mainly slapstick comedy; BONUS: Or Jacques le Con--Jack the dumb.