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This week: Fumbling girl guitarists, angry strippers, pussy galore!
Plus: Babies endangered at Moist show!!
"edited" by AL SOUTH F To the girl that wants to start an all-girl punk band, all I can say is GOOD LUCK. It's almost impossible to find a girl who can play more than three chords or pull off a decent guitar solo. [BLEEP!]
M The Cybertech club. That's where all the good Brit-pop is going down these days? At the ex-Double Deuce? Oh yeah, that's got to be a CRAZY FUN party. One can only imagine. [BLEEP!]
F Yeah, I'm calling about that stupid bitch who called in about the Arrival party. Excuse me, but I'm a STRIPPER and I don't want you to associate me with those trashy girls or those fuck-me girls either. I work at a RESPECTABLE club and I won't let just anybody take me for money, you little bitch. [BLEEP!]
M This is about the Moist show at Parc des Îles. I was in the back of the crowd with other people who were with their BABIES and children. There was, though, this gang of guys who seemed to think they were at a death metal show, even though both Live and Moist aren't actually that heavy. I was protecting my son and girlfriend while these guys were MOSHING. After telling them for the third time to watch out for the baby, I got fed up and pushed one of them. So then the 10 guys that were moshing ATTACKED me. I don't agree with the mentality of this generation--I'm the same age as these guys! Where do they get off trying to beat up a father who is protecting his son? This is really uncalled for! And no one jumped in to help me. When people see an INJUSTICE happening, do they just sit there and watch? It's ludicrous!! Thank you. [BLEEP!]
M I was wondering if anybody else has noticed the serious lack of good street musicians we've got here. We've got guys who look like statues, guys who play spoons, we have harmonicas up the nose and idiots on STILTS who blow on saxophones that they don't know how to play. I asked one good street musician what was going on and he told me that PANHANDLERS were taking over the streets and there was no more room left for musicians. What happened to that really loud guy who knew a million songs outside of Le Faubourg? Where did he go? [BLEEP!]
M Hi, this is the guy who plays on BUCKETS. I know I should put up flyers and stuff but for now I'll just try and use the Rant Line to promote my shows. I'm playing at the Spectrum on September 10 with Herbaliser and Jah Cuttah. I promise I'll start putting up flyers this winter. [BLEEP!]
M Man, did I make a mistake or what? I told my new girlfriend last week that I thought Karla Homolka was one of the sexiest bitches alive and now she thinks I'm, like, Paul Bernardo. Guys, take my advice, never tell your girlfriend that you have sex fantasies about other women. It isn't worth it. [BLEEP!]
F Yeah, I'm calling about the BLACK LIGHT at the McDonalds on Mount-Royal and Parc. You see, I smoke a lot of pot and that fucking light is the best. I like to go there and fuck with a girl--or one of my boys --and I really hope they never take it out. All you junkies should go shoot up somewhere else--maybe Burger King will take you. [BLEEP!]
F This is for all these girls who are so desperately looking for PUSSY. Listen ladies, there is something called a GAY VILLAGE in this city. It's on Ste-Catherine between Beaudry and Papineau. There is a big, big, big PLOT of gay bars there where lots of lesbians can be found. You just walk in, say hi, start talking to a girl and then you go home with her. It's easy, just like in the straight bars. [BLEEP!]
M My name is Rupert and I like my name. It is a good name. It's better than everybody thinks it is. Bye. [BLEEP!]
M This is a message for all of you people who think that those CHOCOLATE BARS--the 2 for 1 ones--are a good deal. I took it upon myself to call up Nestle's and give them the lot number for a bar I had purchased in 1998. Well, they informed me that this particular bar had been produced in 1992! So this chocolate bar had been sitting around for six years! Just imagine the shit that you're eating. I really think that the manufacturers should put a date or a "best before" date on the labels of their bars. Who the hell wants to eat a 25-year-old chocolate bar? Buyer beware! [BLEEP!]
M Wow, life doesn't get much better than this. I'm sitting in my living room, listening to some dynamite drum and bass, watching lesbian porn and I just finished a delicious Domino's pizza. Man, life is great! Maybe soon I'll go out for a couple of chocolate bars, pick a couple of prostitutes, and later re-read The Catcher in the Rye from back to front. [BLEEP!]
Next week: Open forum
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