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We're here. We're NOT queer. Get used to it >> New Hampshire author Lisa Rogak carries the torch for straight spouses everywhere
by PHILIP PREVILLE
But according to author Lisa Rogak, for the straight spouses who one day come home to the announcement "Honey, I'm gay!", it's no laughing matter. Rogak, whose husband came out to her in 1997 after a five-year relationship, is the author of Pretzel Logic, a novel about a woman in precisely the same predicament (though Rogak insists it's not autobiographical). Rogak is also at the centre of a growing movement to create support groups for straight spouses everywhere.
Mirror: So, last month was Straight Spouse Awareness Month. Says who? Lisa Rogak: I came up with the idea and I declared June to be Straight Spouse Awareness Month. We hold a small celebration here in rural New Hampshire every year. We don't have parades or rainbow flags or anything, but we do have our own logo: a ruler, because it's straight. And we're publicizing the idea over the Internet. M: What's the point? LR: The problem straight spouses face is that there's no support network, so we're trying to build one. When it happened to me, I had nowhere to turn except an online chat group. M: How did you react when your husband came out? LR: Believe it or not, we tried to work it out. That's what most couples do after this kind of announcement. It may seem strange because the writing is obviously on the wall, but the dynamics aren't that simple. When my husband came out, it was the first time in years he was being true to himself. He became the man he was when I first met him. Meanwhile, I became the first person to truly accept him after he came out. The companionship became really good again, and the marriage got better for a couple of months before we realized it had to end... It was my second marriage, and after that, I won't ever get married again. M: But you are currently seeing a man who has been through the same thing--whose former wife came out as a lesbian? LR: Yes, I met him online with the chat group. It happened to him around the same time. He lives in rural New Hampshire, too, about a 45-minute drive away. He doesn't want to get married either. M: Was his experience similar to yours? LR: More or less. But he has kids, too, which makes it much harder. And the dynamics are different when a wife discovers she's a lesbian. In those cases, from what I've heard, there's less willingness to try to work things out. Women who were married seem to need to totally renounce their previous life. They leave quicker.
Spurned spouses rising M: If this happens twice at around the same time in rural New Hampshire, imagine how often it happens in big cities. LR: No kidding. The openness that surrounds gay issues now has made it more acceptable for previously straight spouses to come out of the closet. I think there are more spouses coming out than there used to be. M: How do you feel about gay pride festivals and parades and all that kind of celebration? LR: It sticks in my craw. Don't get me wrong: there's absolutely nothing wrong with pride parades. But when formerly straight spouses come out, they get all sorts of support from their new community. Meanwhile, the spouse who's still straight is left alone to deal with the aftermath. A married person who comes out has obviously been living a lie to everyone. But for the spouse, it's a little more shocking, to say the least. And many straight spouses lose themselves in the issues. They often feel the need to campaign for gay rights, even though they're the ones dealing with real wreckage. What's wrong with this picture? M: Sounds like you guys are the last undiscovered victim's group. LR: I hate the word victim. I hate it. I don't think that's how we're really approaching the issue, either. I prefer to say that we are "the one chapter of gay liberation that hasn't really been written."
Pretzel Logic by Lisa Rogak is available by direct order through Williams Hill Publishing. $15 U.S. + shipping. Call 1-800-639-1099 or visit www.straightspouse.com. |
In the world of bone-straight nuclear-family suburbia, there is no juicier gossip than "the neighbour whose husband/wife turns out to be gay." For housewifey-types, it's one step up from news of someone's extramarital affair; for the macho husbands, nothing's better fodder for jokes around the barbecue.