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This week: Jazzy Maiden, master Dou Dou, ballin' Pamela Wallin!
Plus: Safety tips for innocent Acadians!!
"edited" by AL SOUTH M Woodstock 94 was the shit and nothing will ever surpass it! It was the fucking event of the century and you kids are wasting your time and money with this RIPOFF commercialized shit event that they have the nerve to call Woodstock 99. [BLEEP!]
M I HATE the fucking Jazz Festival and all of the people who go to it. They pretend they know jazz music when they don't know anything but how to change their toddlers' DIAPERS out in Dollard-des-Ormeaux. They steal all the parking on my street, make a lot of noise and generally just bug the shit out of me. I know I'm not alone in this and I'm going to organize to have this idiotic festival shut down for good. After that, I'll go after Ding et Dong and Courtemanche and all that other shit that passes for a COMEDY festival. Oh yeah, Jerry Springer, what a great comedian. What, did he study comedy under Chaplin or Brooks? Either way, he sure can tell a joke--he's almost as funny as Rob Lowe. Ha-fucking-ha-ha! [BLEEP!]
M I'd like to see you guys do a story on that Dou Dou guy--you know, the guy who founded the Jazz Fest back in '79 and owned the Rising Sun on Ste-Catherine. This guy was really cool. He's still a super-cool guy but every time he starts a business he gets fucked over by the city. I'd like to know why Dou Dou is not the MASTER of the Jazz Fest and some turd named Mork is. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
M Man, I've been going to the Jazz Festival for 13 years and I've just come back from the WORST show I've ever heard there. I'm pretty open-minded--I've listened to everything from John Zorn to Bob Marley and back--but this techno/rave stuff has got to go 'coz it really SUCKS. It has to die! This so-called music should crawl back into the ANUS from whence it came. [BLEEP!]
M This is a message for all those amazing DJs who were playing at the Jazz Festival last week. Please don't believe that the crowd of losers in SHORTS, sandals and video cameras--standing around and doing absolutely nothing while you were spinning some of the most amazing music--are a typical Montreal crowd. They are not! Most Montrealers know how to DRESS, dance and enjoy good music. Please come back again after the tourists have gone. Thanks. [BLEEP!]
F Did Iron Maiden play at the Jazz Festival? I was just wondering. I mean, they're no less jazzy than all of the other shit that they book into this stupid festival. Maybe KORN would be a nice addition for next year's Jazz Fest. [BLEEP!]
F I'm calling about those two Maritime girls and their bad night in Montreal. I'm from THE 'TIMES also, born and raised, and I've had a lot of hardening up to do since moving here five years ago. I also came very close to being raped by a cab driver my first month here--he decided to drive me to his place rather than my home. It's true that we are innocent, TRUSTING folks because everyone cares about each other out East. Listen, just don't make eye-contact with anyone in the streets--that way they won't follow you--and don't trust anyone who talks to you. Be a BITCH and have fun with it up here. You can go always go back to being your sweet selves when you get back home. Ciao. [BLEEP!]
M This is for those two innocent girls, those Acadians, who don't realize that Montreal is the sex capital of the world. It's okay to politely ask for a blowjob--to ask, "Could you give me a blowjob please, ma'am?" You can always say "no." We didn't RAPE you girls the other night. We're not rapists. We just politely asked you for a favour. Either you're in or you're not. It's no problem. The problem with you English people from outside of Quebec--and even you Canadians in Montreal--is that you're too puritanical. You see dick and you go, "Oh my God, where is my TEA?" You freak out. When you come to Montreal you should expect to have people come up and ask you for blowjobs. Sex is healthy, fun, wise, intelligent and you should get on your knees and do it. Guys, too. Give in to sex and you won't regret it. Ciao. [BLEEP!]
M Bill Nye, the science guy, is an asshole! I've had no power since Monday and today I tried to make a cup of coffee by boiling water in a paper cup with a candle. Bill Nye says that should be no problem. Well, I had a BIG problem. It took me 45 minutes to get a luke warm cup of coffee and my cup caught on fire 8 times! Well I say, enough of that. [BLEEP!]
F Cher should be shot. [BLEEP!]
M I believe the appropriate term for a St-Laurent street cyborg is a FUCKBOT. [BLEEP!]
M What's everybody so excited about Jaime Orchard for? What about Pamela Wallin? [singing] I wanna be ballin' Pamela Wallin. [BLEEP!]
Next week: Open forum |