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This week: Morgentaler fantasies, Orchard reveries, loud fucking motorcycles!
Plus: The sixth mass extinction!!!
"edited" by AL SOUTH F Twenty-six bucks for Me Mom & Morgentaler? That's a lot of money, man. I can't afford that. Why don't they play the Jazz Festival for free so some of us poor people can go see them as well? [BLEEP!]
M I know that I'm DRUNK but I can't stop FANTASIZING about Kim from Me Mom & Morgentaler and Mud Girl. I'm in love with her and I need her here now. [BLEEP!]
M (same drunk guy) Hi, it's me again and I'm still in love with Kim from the Morgentalers. I love her so much that I'd even lower myself down upon her and EAT HER in her private place. I can't stop thinking about her. It's too much and I can't take it anymore! [BLEEP!]
M This is for the guy who wants to see that kid who bangs out beats on his BUCKETS. He's playing on July 3 at Rainbow, 5345 de Maisonneuve West, with Shades of Culture and the Planet Smashers. So be there. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, what ever happened to the CREEP? I'm calling because I want that creep to call in and make a creep of himself. Come on, Creep, it's me, your creator. Remember me? I miss you, Creep. [BLEEP!]
M Why in the hell are these fucking MOTORCYCLES and these big loud muscle cars allowed to come rumbling up our city streets at three and four o'clock in the morning, knocking the pictures off my walls? Just because some mechanic certifies these things as roadworthy means the rest of us have to suffer? Are there no bylaws for this sort of thing? If this is the way it's going to be, then maybe I should just take out my cannon and start blasting CANNONBALLS into the air above Ste-Catherine. [BLEEP!]
F This is for that girl who feels threatened by the female CYBORGS of St-Laurent street. Look, if you can't handle women who look good then it's your problem, not theirs. Don't blame all of your low self-esteem issues on women who take care of their bodies. Besides, you don't even know who these women are, so how can you go calling them cyborgs? The real problem is men, not other women! [BLEEP!]
M Hey, not all of the girls on St-Laurent are beautiful. Some of them are pretty UGLY, too. [BLEEP!]
M Beauty is subjective, lady. I have a feeling that I'd much rather be looking at you and your flabby ass than all of those fashion fakes we're all subjected to on St-Laurent street. [BLEEP!]
M Hey there female with the low self-esteem! Listen, some of us men can get pretty intimidated by those St-Laurent street cyborgs as well. Try being a FAT GUY in a world of JUNGLE JIMS and beautiful women sometime. [BLEEP!]
M I'll tell you what happened with 1-800-GOLFTIP. None of you fucking kids can keep your fucking mouths shut and I keep getting busted. Maybe if some of you people learn to keep quiet, it will come back on again. [BLEEP!]
F Are there any men out there who are not intimidated by lesbians? My girlfriend and I don't think so. [BLEEP!]
M Who the hell doesn't get aroused by Avi Lewis, girl? What makes you think you're so fucking special? [BLEEP!]
M Right now I'm fantasizing about Jaime Orchard in a wet T-shirt contest. VA-VA-VOOOM! Oh man, it's good! She's going to win hands down. [BLEEP!]
M Jaime Orchard, got to love those MELONS. Num, num. [BLEEP!]
M Jaime, what do you eat to get those boobs so big and beautiful? What is your secret? Oh man, I love those CANS. [BLEEP!]
M Pamela Anderson, you got nothing on Jaime Orchard. That girl has some fine jugs. Yes-siree!! [BLEEP!]
M All right, I've reached the fucking Rant Line and now I'm going to leave a fucking rant. Do you people really think that Mother Nature is going to put up with your bullshit? As far as we know, in the history of this planet there have been five MASS EXTINCTIONS. And believe me when I say that the sixth mass extinction of life on this planet is going on right now, people. That's right. There is no number a person can phone when they get in at night to just spill their guts out. I've got no one who I can call and say, hey, I need to talk. This planet is fast on its way straight to hell and nobody gives a shit. All they care about is fashion and their little piece-of-shit lives that are completely pointless--kind of like this rant, right? Fuck all of you and your bullshit world. Shove it up your asses, you bunch of fucking MAGGOTS. You fucking SHEEP. You can laugh at me now if you want but when all of this shit starts happening, when the sky turns red, just remember this fucking rant and that you were all too concerned with your clothes to pay attention to what was really going on. [BLEEP!]
Next week: Open forum
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