It's all about technique

A reformed shoplifter recalls some tricks of the trade

by RUPERT "I DON'T STEAL ANYMORE" BOTTENBERG

1. Warm up. Would a world-class concert pianist simply jump into a major concerto without running through a few arpeggios first? Would an Olympic gymnast fly into a routine without sufficient stretching? Of course not. Likewise, you can't embark on a major pilfering expedition without getting in gear first. Hit a low-security business first, pinch a few tokens, get in the mood. Confidence is your greatest asset. Back in the day, my colleagues and I would precede our large-scale operations at Fairview with a run on Kisber Liquidation, a veritable shoplifter's smorgasbord in the old Caesar's Palace roller rink across the road. Scented candles and cardboard Iron Maiden pins for everyone!

2. Case the joint. Make a few dry runs over a period of several days. That shifty guy with the moustache and the furtive glances? He's an undercover. Think of him the same way you think of the little ghosts in Pac-man. Keep him on the other side of the playing field, or better yet, send your buddy over as a ringer to distract him. Your associate can pretend to boost shit, make like he's leaving, and draw mullet man away from the more sincere efforts in your corner.

3. Hide in plain sight. Keeping a low profile makes you precisely the kind of character they're keeping an eye out for. Try to draw as much attention to yourself as possible instead. This is why it's best to work with a team--three operatives is ideal. Yell at each other and wave products around from opposite ends of the salesfloor. Strike up idiotic conversations with other customers--if they seem nervous about this, it's likely that they're stealing, too. Knock stuff over and make a mess. With any luck, security will try to get you out of the store, with all the loot you can carry.

4. Let the staff know you're there. Ask them dumb questions. Make these nametagged drones hoof it all over the floor on pointless quests for products you have no intention of buying. Harass them for not having products that you don't even want anyway. Have them fill out request forms and rainchecks, ask them if they're hiring, pocket shit right under their noses. Make eye contact surreptitiously. Point at old people leaving the store and say, "I think that dude just stole something." Then steal something.

5. Check product for alarm tags. Carry a pocketknife to remove plastic objects and magnetic strips. Also, if you put stuff in your hat, it will be higher up than those magnetic gates at the door, and will not trigger the alarm.

6. Avoid using backpacks, purses and cargo pants pockets. If you get nailed, they'll ask you to empty these immediately. They're just too obvious. Meanwhile, a CD tucked down your underwear may be, uh, "briefly" uncomfortable, but these dudes can't strip search you, dig?

7. Stay off camera. Video surveillance is your worst enemy. A picture says a thousand words, and the first four are, "You're so fucking nailed." Avoid businesses with low shelves or heavy camera set-ups, but if you must run the risk of being immortalized on magnetic tape, one tip is to use a fat person as a human shield.

8. Pass the product off immediately upon exiting the store. Have a colleague wait for you and take your haul off you within moments of leaving. They can only bust you if you leave the premises, and they can only bust you if you have the product on you.

9. Abort the mission on a second's notice. If your Spider Sense tingles in the slightest, there's a good chance that they are on to you. Ditch what you're holding and poke around innocently for a short period. Then get the hell out of there. You don't need the shit that bad.

The preceding story is for infor-mational purposes only.