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This week: Rainbow Chick, Mr. Original, clean cabooses, scalping!
Plus: Talamasca's Chriss Lee to become butterfly!
"edited" by AL SOUTH M Hi, I'm a psychic of the order of the Talamasca and I've just had a REVELATION from God. On May 15--in Toronto at The Reverb--the GOTH group Talamasca will play their last show ever. Chriss Lee was never human. In reality, he was a caterpillar who ate from the leaf of our tree. On December 9, in the year of 1997, he took the shape of a chrysalis and soon he will become a butterfly--or an angel. He is the prophet, he is the second coming--a star of love, peace and harmony. He shall rise and save a lot of people with AIDS. He loves Montreal and his new music will be remembered forever. [BLEEP!]
FAXRANT This is Denis from the Treblemakers and this goes out to the Underground Sound geniuses at CKUT. After playing at your funding drive at the Jailhouse and hearing your special radio show on the event, I have one question--do you have any fucking idea what organization and editing means? We played two hours late at the show because you couldn't handle the responsibility of getting the bands to set up quickly. Then you played about half of our set on the radio because you were too lazy to edit the dead space between songs beforehand. That radio show was our PAYMENT for playing your funding drive, you twits. You owe us, just remember that. And one more thing--your audience doesn't give a shit about your NAPS. Do your work instead of boring us. [BLEEP!]
F I just got back from this so-called BLUES festival and what a load of doo-doo it was! The place was covered with these Équipe CKOI flags--or maybe it was CHOM--and the whole event seemed like it was using blues to sell this sort of mainstream McDonald's kind of culture. This stuff is not blues! It's as if people have forgotten what blues is and I find it all very, very sad. McDonald's everywhere, the war in Kosovo and now THIS. I'm really, really traumatized! [BLEEP!]
F Hi, I'm just going fucking crazy 'coz I see that Citizen King are coming to Jailhouse Rock for only $7. I think this is ridiculous. They are the SEXIEST band. God, they should be getting, like, huge theatre gigs. They certainly shouldn't be playing clubs! [BLEEP!]
M Anybody who pays $300 to $700 to play a gig is an absolute idiot who doesn't deserve to have his voice heard on the Rant Line! [BLEEP!]
M Listen, don't put down the cover bands. There are some excellent cover bands in Montreal. Anybody who wants to see a great one should check out BIG BLUE COOLER on May 7 at the club Zone on Crescent Street. And if Mr. Original Band who called in last week--the loser who pays $700 to play a show--wants to come down to the gig, I'll show him how original he is. I'll give him my fucking guitar over the head! [BLEEP!]
M I was just down in Memphis, Tennessee and they have shitloads of MIDGETS down there. They are everywhere--working at Blockbuster, working in restaurants--tons of them! I don't know if it's something in the water or what. Anyway, we've pilfered enough of the south's music so maybe it's time we start stealing their midgets and bringing them up here to make everybody happy. [BLEEP!]
M I've never been a deeply religious man but I was raised a Catholic and take the concept of our Lord Jesus Christ quite seriously. I just want to say that I hope that person last week who compared Arthur the fucking sicko Diaper Boy to Jesus Christ rots in hell. You are one seriously misguided individual, pal! [BLEEP!]
M (panting) I would like to thank the editors for printing all those great rants on masturbation. But mostly, for their incredible idea of putting a full-page picture of sexy Frankie Knuckles right beside it. The Mirror is great reading! (starts masturbating) [BLEEP!]
M What's with the Indian guy getting all freaked out about some swastika-painting kid for? The swastika was an Indian symbol long before the Nazi's claimed it. By the way, Hiawatha, it was the Europeans who introduced SCALPING to the North American Indians and not the other way around. Learn your history, fool. First Nation Power! [BLEEP!]
F That girl who ranted about talking to squirrels and the rainbows and all that stuff was dead on. What she said was the most AUSTERE thing I have ever read in your publication. She sounds like one amazing chick to me! [BLEEP!]
F Rainbow Chick, you kick ass! It was so refreshing to read your rant. Are you an Aquarius? I am. I want to know you and all your friends. Let's party, man. [BLEEP!]
M Does that Lady Di person really know what she's talking about when she says that I have more germs in my mouth than in my bum-hole? How could she know? She's obviously never been too close to my CABOOSE after a poor wiping session. [BLEEP!]
Next week: Are any other local musicians |