Love and other catastrophes

>> Boy Meets Girl is an utter mess

by MATTHEW HAYS

The press information for Boy Meets Girl proclaims that "the tide has turned on the big screen--cynicism is a thing of the past and romanticism is now in vogue."

Certainly there are tides that turn on screen--trends come and go, and come back, obviously. But let's all get down on our knees and pray to our respective gods (all religious denominations are invited to join in) that Boy Meets Girl is not an indication of cinematic things to come.

Citing the work of Billy Wilder, Canuck director Jerry Ciccoritti has gathered together an able-bodied but misguided cast, and carried them through a sloppy, syrupy, sickening script.

Emily Hampshire is a young Italian lass who longs for love. Enter Sean Astin, a cynic who feels true romance will simply never happen to him. Men and women speak different languages, he tells his soon-to-be-wed buddy (Kevin McDonald), and he doubts he'll ever understand the lingo of the opposite sex. When Astin stops over at the resto Hampshire works in, she somehow stumbles over a terrifically romantic poem, written entirely in Italian, which she assumes he wrote (but he didn't).

Yes, the belaboured comedy of errors begins there, and doesn't let up for the entire film. Timothy Lee and Douglas Bagot's treachorous screenplay has its characters sink into a morass of pathos more suffocating than quicksand. And the audience gets dragged in with them (I was gasping for breath ten minutes into the film.) There are wedding-related scenes (plenty of opportunity for yuks there), the drink-fest at the bachelor party (including a mix-up involving Hampshire and the tarty stripper who's been hired to entertain), and the arrival of Hampshire's jealous fiancé. And there's a terrible sense of wasted talent, in particular while watching supporting players Kate Nelligan and Joe Mantegna (how, by the way, did they end up in this?)

As well as Wilder, Ciccoritti points to the films of Fellini and Blake Edwards' Breakfast at Tiffany's as influences on this work. This film allegedly champions fantasy and romance over realism. But even the most fantastical Fellini films contained an inner logic, something that made those sequences and moments seem truthful and, well, real. Everything about Boy Meets Girl feels false; from beginning to end, Astin and Hampshire attempt to warble the melody of love. Only the tone deaf will appreciate.

Boy Meets Girl opens Friday, April 30